Have I Turned The Corner?
My friend who will henceforth be known as "Punky" in the blog (long story) has been a great influence lately.
Lots of conversations with her over her own reasons for leaving, understanding what I can and can't control, and so forth.
I was just talking to her, and the metaphor I used was, "I wouldn't say I've gotten over the wall yet, but I seem to have taken enough steps up the ladder now to at least see over the top."
I can see life after EL now. I accept that - she IS going to do this. Nothing I do is going to change it.
Even if she did break off the affair, come to me and say she was sorry, and want to do anything to save the marriage - now, I think I can honestly say, I don't think I would be able to.
It's trust of course, but it's also respect. NOTHING she has done lately has shown the least bit of respect to me, "us", our son, our families, our history. Nothing.
Getting the trust back would be nearly impossible. Looking past the utter lack of respect, well, I don't know.
She's right. She doesn't love me. Nobody could love someone and act this way.
Me giving her the "out" of saying, she's lost in the affair and doesn't know what she's doing....that has run it's course. I still DO believe that to an extent (although there are those who have commented it's just my ego saying that all along, who knows, maybe you're right) but the simple fact is, I'm ready to move on. I knew this day would come, I thought it would take a lot longer, but nope, I think it's here.
Or, it may be just a phase. I may be right back down the bottom of the hill next week wishing and hoping she'll "come back to me." But somehow I'm not sure.
I really can't put it any clearer: This week - the papers being filed, the time off work spent 1:1 with my son, the letting go of the spying and snooping, and yes, certainly, the "date" with my friend....have all combined to show me that yes...there's life after EL. I don't deserve to be treated this way, it's wrong. I've done what I could, I stated my position, I tried to get her to see it my way, and it didn't work.
Besides, she's getting nastier by the day. Not about the divorce, just indifference, snottiness about things, etc. Hard to explain completely but overall, just not showing any interest in improving things.
Today, I'd emailed her at work saying, hey, I'm gonna cook my chicken/chinese veggie stir fry tonight, is that OK? Her dad was going to pick up The Boy at day care 'cuz he hasn't seen him in a few days, since I'm home, and so there'd be 4 of us, and he's not particularly fond of chinese food. But she said yeah, no problem.
Then at 4:45 she calls to say she's going bowling after work with LH (a girlfriend of hers - the one I've mentioned before who's her closest friend and has had a longterm boyfriend for the last 8 years but sleeps around at work, not my favorite person as you might imagine) and is that OK.
So what am I supposed to say? I took a deep breath telling myself, "You're letting go, you don't care, remember?" and as I started to say yeah whatever, she said (as I said she's getting snotty) "I'll BRING you a RECEIPT from the ALLEY if you DON'T BELIEVE me."
I just said, "EL, you filed. It doesn't matter anymore, no longer matters what you are doing or who you are doing it with, just let me know what time you'll be home."
But the annoying thing is now I had all my food prepped for stir fry for 3 people, when one wasn't coming and the other doesn't like it. So instead I just threw a frozen pizza in for her dad and The Boy to share, with some garlic breadsticks, and made a much smaller plate for myself, and I'll eat the rest tomorrow.
Why did I get off on that tangent, I don't remember, sorry, going on 2 hours sleep in the last 40 hours. I guess it was just the most up to date thing that shows lack of any respect at all. I mean she probably was going bowling with her friend, Other Guy might've had nothing to do with it, and I really was honest - I just don't care anymore. Maybe that was also the point.
Now I'm not blind, I may not be snooping, but she's also indiscreet and doesn't care herself. So, I can't help but notice that when she came in, her shirt was missing 2 buttons on it that it wasn't this morning. But you know what? I just don't care. That was the moment it hit me - I saw that and thought, "Whatever, EL."
It didn't matter. Wasn't just empty words. I really, at that moment, didn't give a shit if it was the truth or a lie, 'cuz it no longer mattered.
Maybe this is in fact the logical outcome of the depression I've been feeling this week. It's been worked through? I made the transition from anger to acceptance?
I dunno, maybe just a false plateau and I'll be angry and in denial again next week.
Yes, I'm aware, it's a strange coincidence I went out on ONE social night with an unattached woman and suddenly think, "I'm over EL forever!"
I'm cautious and skeptical of course.
Then again, it may also be the other way around. I may have been ABLE to go meet my friend in person and have a nice night, BECAUSE I'd internally decided I'm finally over the "acceptance" stage and moving onward.
Don't know, but I'm watching myself and my motives carefully.
Regardless of the reason, I'm glad I'm here. I can see the end of the line and it doesn't seem as bad as it did. Spending the days with my son this week has been a major part of that as well. I'll always harbor some bitterness at EL for doing this to him without a fight, but he's more important than harboring any bitterness.
Lots of conversations with her over her own reasons for leaving, understanding what I can and can't control, and so forth.
I was just talking to her, and the metaphor I used was, "I wouldn't say I've gotten over the wall yet, but I seem to have taken enough steps up the ladder now to at least see over the top."
I can see life after EL now. I accept that - she IS going to do this. Nothing I do is going to change it.
Even if she did break off the affair, come to me and say she was sorry, and want to do anything to save the marriage - now, I think I can honestly say, I don't think I would be able to.
It's trust of course, but it's also respect. NOTHING she has done lately has shown the least bit of respect to me, "us", our son, our families, our history. Nothing.
Getting the trust back would be nearly impossible. Looking past the utter lack of respect, well, I don't know.
She's right. She doesn't love me. Nobody could love someone and act this way.
Me giving her the "out" of saying, she's lost in the affair and doesn't know what she's doing....that has run it's course. I still DO believe that to an extent (although there are those who have commented it's just my ego saying that all along, who knows, maybe you're right) but the simple fact is, I'm ready to move on. I knew this day would come, I thought it would take a lot longer, but nope, I think it's here.
Or, it may be just a phase. I may be right back down the bottom of the hill next week wishing and hoping she'll "come back to me." But somehow I'm not sure.
I really can't put it any clearer: This week - the papers being filed, the time off work spent 1:1 with my son, the letting go of the spying and snooping, and yes, certainly, the "date" with my friend....have all combined to show me that yes...there's life after EL. I don't deserve to be treated this way, it's wrong. I've done what I could, I stated my position, I tried to get her to see it my way, and it didn't work.
Besides, she's getting nastier by the day. Not about the divorce, just indifference, snottiness about things, etc. Hard to explain completely but overall, just not showing any interest in improving things.
Today, I'd emailed her at work saying, hey, I'm gonna cook my chicken/chinese veggie stir fry tonight, is that OK? Her dad was going to pick up The Boy at day care 'cuz he hasn't seen him in a few days, since I'm home, and so there'd be 4 of us, and he's not particularly fond of chinese food. But she said yeah, no problem.
Then at 4:45 she calls to say she's going bowling after work with LH (a girlfriend of hers - the one I've mentioned before who's her closest friend and has had a longterm boyfriend for the last 8 years but sleeps around at work, not my favorite person as you might imagine) and is that OK.
So what am I supposed to say? I took a deep breath telling myself, "You're letting go, you don't care, remember?" and as I started to say yeah whatever, she said (as I said she's getting snotty) "I'll BRING you a RECEIPT from the ALLEY if you DON'T BELIEVE me."
I just said, "EL, you filed. It doesn't matter anymore, no longer matters what you are doing or who you are doing it with, just let me know what time you'll be home."
But the annoying thing is now I had all my food prepped for stir fry for 3 people, when one wasn't coming and the other doesn't like it. So instead I just threw a frozen pizza in for her dad and The Boy to share, with some garlic breadsticks, and made a much smaller plate for myself, and I'll eat the rest tomorrow.
Why did I get off on that tangent, I don't remember, sorry, going on 2 hours sleep in the last 40 hours. I guess it was just the most up to date thing that shows lack of any respect at all. I mean she probably was going bowling with her friend, Other Guy might've had nothing to do with it, and I really was honest - I just don't care anymore. Maybe that was also the point.
Now I'm not blind, I may not be snooping, but she's also indiscreet and doesn't care herself. So, I can't help but notice that when she came in, her shirt was missing 2 buttons on it that it wasn't this morning. But you know what? I just don't care. That was the moment it hit me - I saw that and thought, "Whatever, EL."
It didn't matter. Wasn't just empty words. I really, at that moment, didn't give a shit if it was the truth or a lie, 'cuz it no longer mattered.
Maybe this is in fact the logical outcome of the depression I've been feeling this week. It's been worked through? I made the transition from anger to acceptance?
I dunno, maybe just a false plateau and I'll be angry and in denial again next week.
Yes, I'm aware, it's a strange coincidence I went out on ONE social night with an unattached woman and suddenly think, "I'm over EL forever!"
I'm cautious and skeptical of course.
Then again, it may also be the other way around. I may have been ABLE to go meet my friend in person and have a nice night, BECAUSE I'd internally decided I'm finally over the "acceptance" stage and moving onward.
Don't know, but I'm watching myself and my motives carefully.
Regardless of the reason, I'm glad I'm here. I can see the end of the line and it doesn't seem as bad as it did. Spending the days with my son this week has been a major part of that as well. I'll always harbor some bitterness at EL for doing this to him without a fight, but he's more important than harboring any bitterness.
posted by Fensty at 9:48 PM
3 Comments:
Congrats JD. Be careful though, probably a bad time to get your heart broken.
Well, I do think the two things (date with Punky, and sudden realization that I'm ready to admit EL is gone for good) may be related, but they're not THAT strongly related. I may yet have another change of heart towards EL and our situation.
And Punky may end up being nothing more than a great friend. My two best friends in the world I ever had, post-high school, were RHG and EM, and they were both women who started out as "dates" but became friends instead. Well RHG, that's a long story in itself (isn't it, RHG? I hope you are reading this with a smile, you're the only person I know who comes in from your domain with a FireFox browser!) but we were defintely FAR more friends than ever anything else.
So "heart broken" isn't really applicable. Besides I think I'm objective enough to know that's going to happen anyway, it's not like I'm not going to get rejected by women again in the future on dates, I survived it before and will again. I just need to remind myself that's all it is, not related to the self-esteem crushing blow of the divorce.
Saying that and feeling it may be 2 different things, but I'll cross the bridge when I come to it.
That's good dude... sounds like you have it all in perspective. Punky sounds like a cool girl with a good head on her shoulders too so congrats on meeting a new friend/seeing some potential for your future without EL/maybe finding something special beyond friendship.
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