Wow, helpful therapy...
No slam against Dennis the therapist/counselor I was seeing back in October '04 when this whole divorce, but that was mostly just talk therapy...made me feel better to talk stuff out, but there were really no outcomes or goals or that kinda thing.
Couple weeks ago when I started feeling like I was back in the same 'ol same 'ol rut again, getting complacent (aka "fat and happy") with my life, and letting things slide, I decided to pre-empt the situation and called my EAP line at work and hooked up with a much more outcome-oriented CBT therapist, Jane.
It's much nicer. Not only have I already made some basic progress in "getting shit done" in my life, we've also done some digging into my psyche kinda thing that Dennis never really bothered with.
Now, the answers to most of that digging have been the easy, cliche' answers of "daddy issues" with my father and antiauthority streak going back to my pre-teen years, but just because they're the easy cliche answers/insights doesn't make 'em wrong. In fact this is the same thing that I was learning about myself back in the '80s when I was seeing a child psychiatrist for my "school phobia" (transalte: underachievement, disengament from social norms, anxiety, etc) issues.
Thing is I seem to be in a place where I can address it more, and Jane seems like a much more active, hands-on kinda counselor who'll help me dig into these things a bit more and make some progress.
As such I definitely will be blogging more as a way to write out some of the issues and keep a log of sorts.
My "homework" for this week is to try and identify different times when I do feel internal anger, dare I say "rage" at things (though, I'm happy to note, when I DO feel that irrational rage/anger these days, the worst that happens is I say to Alicia or The Boy or whoever, "Sorry, give me a minute here, OK, I'm getting a little upset, lemme walk away for a minute." (obviously The Boy gets a more simplified, "Daddy needs to count to 10 to feel better, want to count with me?" kinda thing)) vs. when I am in a situation where I don't feel any anger at all even though it might be warrented.
What I'm trying to explain is that it's very odd and there's a pattern I'd like to try to identify -- sometimes I get really pissed off and feel that desire to just kick the shit outta something (never someone, honestly...) vs. other times when I just shrug it off and move on.
Like, last night for no reason my laptop decided to stop working. Like, flip the switch and nothing, man. And after a few minutes of fiddling with the battery, and the charger, and the socket, etc....I just felt that feeling of "fuck this shit, this fucker's gonna break into a million pieces when it hits the driveway from the 2nd floor window over there" and had to tell Alicia, "OK, please, gimme a minute here, please don't ask me if you can help or offer suggestions right now, I gotta calm down..." Same thing happened a couple days ago when TurboTax wasn't calculating something correctly and telling me there was an error in my return over a credit I never even tried to enter...software kept arguing with me, I finally had to walk away...
On the other hand, other day I was stuck in traffic and late for something and it never even occurred to me to be uptight about it. Why, can't do anything, it is what it is... Or, I'm in a "dispute" situation with a very sneaky, nasty Ebay seller over a book I bought and never received, and I am so laid back about it as we email back and forth it surprises me I don't feel the least anger. Lotsa things like that.
There's some kinda pattern there and I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully, logging it more when it happens might help it emerge.
OK, gotta get moving for the day here...
BTW I will soon be switching from this blog to another one that I created like a year ago, since my divorce is just about over...and I will no longer be a "husband" in any sense obe the word...
IF you'd like to follow me over to the new blog, you have to send me an Email so I can email you back the new blog info. Sorry 'bout that but it's the only way, I have some people, friends, family etc. who've been reading this one that spread it to others who I'd rather NOT be reading it so in an attempt to weed 'em out a bit it's the only way...
Couple weeks ago when I started feeling like I was back in the same 'ol same 'ol rut again, getting complacent (aka "fat and happy") with my life, and letting things slide, I decided to pre-empt the situation and called my EAP line at work and hooked up with a much more outcome-oriented CBT therapist, Jane.
It's much nicer. Not only have I already made some basic progress in "getting shit done" in my life, we've also done some digging into my psyche kinda thing that Dennis never really bothered with.
Now, the answers to most of that digging have been the easy, cliche' answers of "daddy issues" with my father and antiauthority streak going back to my pre-teen years, but just because they're the easy cliche answers/insights doesn't make 'em wrong. In fact this is the same thing that I was learning about myself back in the '80s when I was seeing a child psychiatrist for my "school phobia" (transalte: underachievement, disengament from social norms, anxiety, etc) issues.
Thing is I seem to be in a place where I can address it more, and Jane seems like a much more active, hands-on kinda counselor who'll help me dig into these things a bit more and make some progress.
As such I definitely will be blogging more as a way to write out some of the issues and keep a log of sorts.
My "homework" for this week is to try and identify different times when I do feel internal anger, dare I say "rage" at things (though, I'm happy to note, when I DO feel that irrational rage/anger these days, the worst that happens is I say to Alicia or The Boy or whoever, "Sorry, give me a minute here, OK, I'm getting a little upset, lemme walk away for a minute." (obviously The Boy gets a more simplified, "Daddy needs to count to 10 to feel better, want to count with me?" kinda thing)) vs. when I am in a situation where I don't feel any anger at all even though it might be warrented.
What I'm trying to explain is that it's very odd and there's a pattern I'd like to try to identify -- sometimes I get really pissed off and feel that desire to just kick the shit outta something (never someone, honestly...) vs. other times when I just shrug it off and move on.
Like, last night for no reason my laptop decided to stop working. Like, flip the switch and nothing, man. And after a few minutes of fiddling with the battery, and the charger, and the socket, etc....I just felt that feeling of "fuck this shit, this fucker's gonna break into a million pieces when it hits the driveway from the 2nd floor window over there" and had to tell Alicia, "OK, please, gimme a minute here, please don't ask me if you can help or offer suggestions right now, I gotta calm down..." Same thing happened a couple days ago when TurboTax wasn't calculating something correctly and telling me there was an error in my return over a credit I never even tried to enter...software kept arguing with me, I finally had to walk away...
On the other hand, other day I was stuck in traffic and late for something and it never even occurred to me to be uptight about it. Why, can't do anything, it is what it is... Or, I'm in a "dispute" situation with a very sneaky, nasty Ebay seller over a book I bought and never received, and I am so laid back about it as we email back and forth it surprises me I don't feel the least anger. Lotsa things like that.
There's some kinda pattern there and I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully, logging it more when it happens might help it emerge.
OK, gotta get moving for the day here...
BTW I will soon be switching from this blog to another one that I created like a year ago, since my divorce is just about over...and I will no longer be a "husband" in any sense obe the word...
IF you'd like to follow me over to the new blog, you have to send me an Email so I can email you back the new blog info. Sorry 'bout that but it's the only way, I have some people, friends, family etc. who've been reading this one that spread it to others who I'd rather NOT be reading it so in an attempt to weed 'em out a bit it's the only way...
posted by Fensty at 8:25 AM
1 Comments:
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