Sunday Night Update - Warning, Pornographic Email Ahead...
Went out again tonight, with Erin. A nice date. A nice conversation, and an agreement to go Christmas shopping Wednesday night for our last minute needs.
An auspicious beginning - tonight was the first snow and freezing roads night so far here in the Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania. Which isn't too bad considering it's already December 19th, but, remarkable that she was willing to drive out in that just to meet 'lil ol me, eh?
Hit a local restaurant, a few drinks, couple of salads (we're both doing the divorce diet :) ) and plenty of conversation. Once again had to go find an all-night diner for the coffee 'cuz the bar closed at 10...
Ironically, her cellphone isn't working at the moment (that wouldn't have happened if she had service with the wireless company I work for, I should point out...hehe) so since we couldn't call each other once we arrived, we agreed she'd be looking for my Mustang in the parking lot. Of course, when I came out to leave at 5pm, there was already a nice dusting of snow on everything and black ice all over the roads under it.
So, here I am, on the first winter driving night of the year, and instead of taking my '93 Eclipse GSX (all wheel drive turbo) which I SPECIFICALLY BOUGHT as the new winterbeater....I had to drive the 300 HP, low end-torquey, 3.73-equipped, rear wheel drive Mustang GT. Somewhat ironic. But at least it has V8 powered heat - it was f'ing COLD out there! Like below zero cold. (Farenheit, that is, for my non-American friends...)
OK...and now this entry will take an uncomfortable 180' turn to nastiness. You may wish to stop reading now if you have ever before read something here and thought, "Too much information!" What you are about to read may change your opinion of EL forever, if you are someone who knows us in real life.
(Yes, I admit it, I have read more of her Emails. I haven't done that for weeks but now I am on the lookout for things relating to their impending 3-some and/or personal ad, in case I can use that in court. Read on...)
Anyway, I am feeling comfortable and happy in this stage of my divorce.
I am preparing myself now for the day that EL comes to me saying she's made a mistake. I am not sure that will EVER happen, but even if it does, I know it will not be a "real" emotion on her part but a reaction to what's going on in both our lives, and I won't trust it. I think we're done.
I debated a bit before deciding to post something like this, but I need people (and myself!!) to understand why I suddenly have made this 180' turn on things. It's not just because suddenly I'm dating and now I'm in the same trap EL is and thinking the grass is greener elsewhere.
I can never look past things like this....an actual transcript of an Email she sent:
"Can I tell you something? I have a vivid dream about you coming on another chics breasts and me licking it off, yum! Had to tell you that, I just can't get that out of my head. I can't wait to give you head again (and again). She could also blow you, as long as I can lick you dry. Oh, I am so horny right now, can you tell? I want you to take me from behind while I have her nipples. You can share, if you're nice. We really have to do this soon. I can't wait. Talk to you later. LOL"
I ask you, would you stay married to that woman? I don't care if it IS just a silly fantasy Email that she's just sending to be sexy, titillating and exotic - it also kills any desire I"d ever have to want to be her husband again.
I no longer value her privacy at all, if you are wondering why I'd post that. Fuck her and fuck her boyfriend too, they deserve each other. When he gets tired of his new toy (I smell delicious irony in that he might dump her for whatever 3rd party they may find to join them) and she's living alone in an apartment dating 30-something tattoo artists and car stereo installers (two men who have responded to her personal ad, LOL) and I'm still in my nice home, secure in my happiness....I hope she can read Emails like that back to herself and decide they were worth it.
You can claim I'm jealous because she's talking that way to a new guy and not me, and hell, wouldn't I be human if there WAS some element of that? But it also speaks to the utter wantonness of her affair, the lack of any perspective, the lack of any self-respect, etc. Yes, maybe this is what "gets her off" but I don't have to feel it's appropriate.
I pity her for even writing something like that to a man, even if it had been me, her husband, she had written it to.
I pity her, I really do. She has so lost who she is to her desires, anger, and need to move on....that she's writing things like that. There's been a lot more, worse even than that, I should point out.
Yeah, I'm not proud I read more email, but reading stuff like that helps me get over her at this point. Reminds me why I don't want to EVER think about going back.
So if you distrust my sudden change of heart and desire to get divorced now, maybe that'll explain it.
If I ever post in this blog that I've changed my mind and want to make another go at staying married and working through it, point me back to this post, willya?
posted by Fensty at 1:23 AM
8 Comments:
Hey JD,
LET it go babe....Keep moving forward, one foot at a time...Let the EX have her privacy, her splurge of lasciviousness, her wanton desires. These things dont make her a bad person, just a person who may be making bad choices. People have desires, needs and wants. She sounds like she just "breaking out". Shes not the 1st, and she definately wont be the last...
Your a good man JD, but dont let all this jade you. As I have heard my H utter a few times...."Lifes a bitch, then you marry one"....
nickyxxx
Well, Nicky, objectively I know that's true. Someone else (Mac or Digger?) posted awhile back that she's "spreading her sexual wings" and hey, I can relate to that. But it ALSO talks to her state of mind, is my point. She's "exploring" all this stuff with a rather depraved abandon for common sense, don't you think? With a guy she's divorcing her husband over, that she's known less than 3 months, now picking up a relative stranger and adding them into the mixture, not particularly "safe sex" either....
It's NOT just the "erotic" nature of what she wants to do that bothers me, in other words - but the way in which she's going about it.
And flirting with a 30 year old tattoo artist, well, I'm sorry, but she can and should be doing better than THAT. At least the guy she's having the affair with is a professional college grad guy, even if he is a schmuck. I know she's just being a "rebel" and everything right now, but AGAIN, that's what I'm saying - it's extemely unattractive and downright embarrassing and pitiful that this is the type of guy that appeals to her right now.
I don't want my son having a stepdad who tattoos asses in his spare time, in other words, y'know? I know, again, nothing I'll be able to control...but do I need to be happy about it? No.
No offense to any 30 year old tattoo artists out there. Well, I'm sure I HAVE offended you...but...I don't mean it personally. I'm a little pissed off right now.
One of the many things I learned from having an affair, is that having sex with someone just for the sake of having sex is SO not worth it. It is so much better when you have the emotional and physical intimacy between a man and woman who truly love each other and are concerned about each others wants and needs.
Anything else as pleasurable as it may be is just an empty and meaningless escape from the reality of life.
Just my 2 cents.
Learned.
P.S. You only live about an hour from me. Keeping warm? It's damn cold out here. Brrr.
Yep. And she's gonna figure that out the hard way... Oh well.
Like I said, I'm now trying to mentally prepare for the day she comes to me saying she realizes she goofed up. I only think that's about 25% likely though everyone else (Yourself included, I think) has told me to expect it.
Anyway, it's freakin' cold. Last night was a freezin' cold night for a first date, but we managed. :)
I am upstairs, not even using the fireplace downstairs right now, but this afternoon I gotta fire it up and keep it going all week...save some electric bill.
Learned, have you ever Emailed me, I can't remember...I think you did...drop me a note if you don't mind, I will keep your privacy secret, but I forgot you're also from PA...
JD the BH
JD,
Hey babe, I hope Im NOT pissing you off with my comment, But I am just telling you how I see it..... Also I think I am a tad qualified in that department..
As for EL's choice of partners, I believe she chooses people who are UNNAVAILABLE for a very good reason. She just wants to fuck them, not marry them.
And I definately CANNOT speak for all women, but mindles emotionally unnatached sex can be a great stress reliever.....After the separation....
nickyxx
Nicky baby!
No way do you piss me off. I choose to disagree a little, but that's fine, ain't it? :)
Basically, I hope I don't piss YOU off when I sorta imply that my wife is a slut. I'm not lumping you and her together - there are SOOO MANY differences in our situations that I would never imply that!
I'm just saying that, to me, it seems like she's not thinking too clearly that she wants to have multiple partner unprotected sex while still not even fully seperated, and only 3 months into this.
I"m not making judgements about other women who might want to do that months and months after they've seperated and/or divorced. And again I'm not a hypocrite, would I be turned on if she'd been writing that Email to ME? Once upon a time, yeah, of course I woulda been. Just trying to be clear on that...
JD
Not that I'm sure I believe this myself....
but maybe it's easier for EL because she decided a long long time ago to leave you, so she's really months or years into this in her head?
Are you sure this is her first affair?
You have to think that really, she isn't leaving you for another man (although, who knows, maybe she is) but rather she's leaving you and maybe just is the type of person who needs someone there to soften the fall?
I'm no longer sure of much. I would have thought it was, because she's so shitty at hiding anything.
But I truly don't know.
I do agree she's months ahead of me, mentally, in internalizing what's going on. I've known that from the get-go, and books on divorce bear that out.
She did make up her mind awhile back, she just couldn't admit it to herself. The Other Guy was just the "grass is greener" myth she needed to push onward.
Thing is, she'd have tried counseling if he'd not been in the picture, and you know, I think it would have worked. I really do. If she'd honestly tried, if we'd started just one month before all this happened, it probably never would have come to this.
-shrug-
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