Boring.
I guess my blog is somewhat boring nowadays, that it's not chock full of angsty posts about what might be going on, what I should do, etc.
Seems I haven't anything to contribute anymore. Acceptance is boring.
I'm still not happy about what's going on, I don't even have a whole lot of interest in snooping and spying because, after this personal ad crap, what else is there to find? I mean, I've said that before, but now I really did hit the wall, I think. There's nothing else to read that would shock me or concern me.
I mean, the personal ad tells me in pure black and white more than anything else that not only has she "moved on" but as many people here said 3 months ago - she made up her mind a looonnnnnnng time ago.
Who knows, maybe the affair really ISN'T in any way connected with her decision to get a divorce, without counseling, etc. I still think she'd have tried if not for the Other Guy and the fantasy of the affair, though.
We've not really gotten down to talking about the divorce agreement yet, which bothers me, I still want to get that done as fast as possible before things change. She's been acting all pissy lately though, I think the stress is really getting to her. Not second thoughts, though, just the stress of what she's doing to herself. It seems to be showing in a lot of small ways.
And maybe the Prozac IS working a little, as I've gotten somewhat mellow about it. I no longer feel the need to mess with her. In fact I think my absolute calmness just pisses her off more. She's programmed herself to think I react in anger to everything and my not doing so seems to annoy her. I dunno.
Or, it's just the acceptance on my part, combined with my determination to NOT get angry anymore. Hard to tell. In any case, makes for a boring blog, doesn't it?
I didn't take the new medicine today, wanted to "save it" for a day I had a good night's sleep and then got up at a decent hour, to mimic an actual workday. Especially a day when I've got some duties to attend to around the house and stuff.
Going out tonight to dinner, but it's a business thing. Even though I'm off work, a director from out of town is coming in for a few days, we said we'd get together to do some catching up, we've been friends for awhile, so that's cool.
And, that's it, nothing else happening. Boring, like I said. I think I'm going to hit the mall for some quick Christmas shopping, I want to get out of the house. Tonight's JD-The B0y dinner was cancelled, EL wanted to take him out with her mom to go to the outlet malls in Reading, and I figured, what's the big deal, it's her mom's only day off but he and I can go out anytime.
posted by Fensty at 4:23 PM
15 Comments:
Dude...
you sound like a totally different guy.
Even your writing style seems different.
I agree. The JD I know seems to be withering away. This new "mellow" you somewhat scares me.
But, I know how mood swings go, especially on meds. When I first started taking Paxil (and then Zoloft) I could go from "down in the dumps" to chatterbox in about 6 seconds. The dumpy moods were the depression and the chatterbox was the real me - it's like the two were battling for my mood. But, after 3-4 months (a long time, I know), things started to level out and I was hardly ever dumpy, but hardly ever chatterboxy either.
Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot lately, hoping all is well. I'll e-mail or call soon - you know how my schedule can get.
TC,
D
Man, I agree with Sara-
You seem so different. Is it true acceptance or the meds (or both)?
Good call letting "the boy" go with Grandmom. Even if she is "batshit" crazy, she still a part of "the boy."
I've always been a little concerned about how you refer to your son. Perhaps it's unintentional, but it betrays somewhat of an emotional distance. I would never ever refer to my daughter as "the girl."
Something to think about. Keep posting even when it's boring to you. It gives your readers a frame of reference into you.
Woohoo! Someone agrees with me!
I believe (& correct me if I'm wrong, J) that "The Boy" is JD's way of not using his son's rather unique name. I love his son's name, but I don't know anyone else with it so I guess he's just sticking with the old "names have been changed to protect the innocent." El's name hasn't been changed because she's not so innocent, but The Boy deserves his anonyminty (or however you spell it). I guess JD could have picked another name to call his son, but this way The Boy doesn't get lost in a cast of characters. And he's not "A Boy" he is "THE Boy" as in the most important thing in JD's life.
Dana
This is the first time I've been to your blog....but being someone who is now going through a divorce I can relate.......I am the YOU and he (the X) is your Spouse....soon to be X.
Prozac is a substitute for your own "will power", and that's totally fine guy, for now...to get you through the "rough" spots.....but don't count on it forever, it's too easy.
Eventually, and I do mean that it takes time...you too will be well and OVER her, and will be moving on and doing your own thing........!!! Find some people who make you laugh....crazy ones are good....it certainly helped me ALOT! Go out whenever you can, and get busy.......idle hands breed depression, but busy bodies, have fun.
Stay well my friend.........you are not alone! :)
Dana, goofball, EL's name HAS BEEN CHANGED. You just THINK it hasn't. Ahem. :)
But Dana is correct, the names are changed to protect the guilty - the only really innocent person in all this is The Boy.
And, no problem there Anon, I actually thought that very thing and addressed it WAAAAAAAY down at the first ever post, where I explain The Boy is that way just 'cuz he's the center of my universe, really the only Boy who matters, kinda. And also I stole it from a Stephen King novel. :)
Don't blame you for not seeing it, that was 2 months ago. I don't know how long this blog is now because Blogger hasn't updated my Word Count or Post Count since soetime in early November, go figure.
IT was also weird, I had not gotten any comment Emails for awhile, thought you were all so bored you weren't commenting anymore, and now I see there are a bunch here. Blogger freaking out again I guess.
That reminds me I wanted to archive this entire blog on my local drive (hidden of course) in case anything ever happens to it. Gonna do that now.
And, as for the meds, nope I never really wanted them at all, definitely not going to turn into too much of a crutch for me, just 'till this crap is mainly overwith and I'm back on track in my life and work.
Sara, lots of people agree with you, including me, almost all the time. Only one I'm still on the fence about is calling his wife. :)
JD
Boring is way underrated. Not stagnant, mind you. But a nice, calm, peaceful boredom can be good.
-- Barbara
I am sorry things have gone this way for you. Sometimes we just need to move on.
I think you need an outlet, do something that you always wanted to do but never did, take a class, learn a new skill, and meet some new people.
Take some time for yourself and give yourself the time to heal. When you are going through something like this, you experience a roller coaster of emotions, it takes a long time to get back on an even keel.
Learned.
All: I'm sure I'll find something to post about, just in a boring phase at the moment. I mean, there are months and months of dreadful crushing pain ahead of me, after all. :/
Learned: Yes, actually, two things... #1, going to join a gym to keep up that aspect of what I'm doing to better myself. But, also, and this sounds strange, but I always wanted to play the violin, even bought one on Ebay a couple months ago. Looks like I'll have plenty of time in the near future.
Well, that's it. Another entry coming up...
hey jd,
I am still reading your blogs. I wish I could be as "free" as you in my blogs, but you know why I cant,lol.
nicky
Wow that's great JD!! The violin, huh? I have no musical talent whatsoever, but somehow my kids got all this amazing musical talent. I took violin lessons way, way back, (we won't say how many years back) in the fourth grade, and I was terrible.
Go for it!
Learned.
Yeah...I have always wanted to learn a musical instrument, and violins are just f'ing cool. :)
I think I'd be more of a "fiddler" than a "violinist" though. I juist don't know, that's what I'll find out I guess.
AS for talent, I don't know if I have any yet or not. And I'm kind of old to start the violin anyway, but what the heck, I don't need to be great, just to amuse myself. :)
Hey! I play violin. I started in fourth grade and was seroius enough that I thought about going into performance in college. Just wasn't dedicated enough. But I still play, most often with a group of friends. We do bluegrass, Celtic, etc. But I'm still more of a clasically trained violinist than a fidder (though I try! I try!) Tell me all about the fiddle you got and let me know if I can help you at all :-)
-- Barbara
Yeah, funny, I also considered a martial art for the physical and also the mental aspect of it, but same thing, I thought, that's all I need is for her to feel somehow "threatened" by my practicing something like that in the house...
Once she's out, maybe.
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