A Strange Phone Call, and, EL Sweats It

(These two entries are NOT related, she has no idea of the phone call I'm about to describe...)

So, not 10 minutes after I wrote that entry this morning about re-examining things in the light of day, EL's brother TS called me.

He had just heard about the divorce, I guess she told him at work on Monday (he works as a truck driver at the company she does sales for, and the Other Guy works in some capacity in Marketing I believe...) and he was very upset. He called to see how I was doing, and to find out where I stood on the divorce.

Now, first things first - I do NOT believe he is working any kind of agenda. TS is a very open and loving person. He is EL's adopted brother, he came into the family in his early teens as he had always been EL's brother WB's best friend. So when TS's parents passed away, EL's parents adopted him. That's a pretty nice thing to do. And while he's always been grateful for that, he's never had a good relationship with her mother, my mother-in-law. ("MIL")

She had "banned" his wife from the house for some perceived slight at some point, I don't know what, and other things that have some parallel to my own relationship with her. So he's got a good perspective on all that.

The first thing he wanted to know, was did I want the divorce or not? Now that was a hard question to answer, because I'm doing a pretty good job now of getting over it and accepting it and deciding I don't want to be marrried. BUT, I didn't want to tell him about the Other Guy or any of that - it's not the time to do that, though I might someday as I've been saying. (Read on for more on that in the 2nd part of this entry...)

So, I told him where I stood - that I thought it was hopeless, that she'd made up her mind a long time ago, and that I'd fought hard to save the marriage and, "I've put up with things that most men wouldn't, because I know I have issues that got the marriage to this point."

I didn't go into details, nor did I even "hint" about an affair or anything. I did say there are issues that only she can choose to tell him about. But I made it pretty clear that I would have wanted to be married and knew what guilt was mine to bear in the relationship.

TS is a very smart guy, very spiritual and very religious, too. But he doesn't proselytize about it, he will work the Bible into conversations for example, but in an earnest way to make a point, not to try to push his beliefs, etc. So I trust him - he's not working an "angle" here, he doesn't have an agenda other than wanting to see two married people he's close to work it out. I'm certain of that.

So anyway, he wanted to make sure I did want to stay married, and then said he'd have some conversations with EL. I told him he didn't have to do that, but if he wanted to it couldn't hurt, but that her mind was pretty well made up. But honestly, it's time she start hearing from some other people in her family how stupid she's being, from people she might trust. I really DO NOT think it'll make any difference, but it doesn't matter, I think she needs to hear from a fresh voice who isn't taking sides but just preaching common sense. Even though I don't think I could go back now anyway.

I told him it would be better if she didn't know he called me, and I didn't tell him anything about the affair. I did ask, what did she tell him, that I throw things at her?

He said that's what she told him - that I throw things AT her, and she's afraid. -sigh- I guess she really believes that, but it's just not true. I have thrown THREE THINGS in her presence in the last 4 years, I've already talked about this. A dishrack when she wasn't in the room, a broken computer printer went over the bannister onto the landing when she and The Boy were upstairs behind me, and the phone I threw at the floor - that's the only thing that ever came remotely close to hitting her, when the plastic battery cover came off and hit her.

Funny thing is we talked and he admitted to doing the same kinda stuff. Kicked a fan once when he was arguing with his wife, punched a stereo, etc. He also hasn't ever struck a person in anger, either. So that was interesting, I guess he really did relate. I know it was wrong to throw things, I don't do that anymore and won't, but it really isn't the reason she's getting divorced, and she knows it. But again, I just told him there are some things he doesn't know that she may choose to tel him.

He also went on about her mother and how she tries to run EL's life, control her decisions, and interferes in our marriage. I agreed of course...it's nice to have outside confirmation. He said he's had conversations with EL's dad where her dad has said, "I might as well not be married anymore, she just goes off with EL all the time and barely talks to me anymore."

That sounds familiar, doesn't it? Anyway, I'm not hopeful ANY of this will make a difference, honestly I'm not sure I WANT it to anymore, as I've been saying, but it is nice to know that someone in her family sees some of the truth. TS understands it's a 2 way street, that she has issues of her own and some culpability in all this, and that marriage is sometimes work that people should fight for. -shrug-



Now, onto the 2nd part of this entry - EL and I had a calm friendly discussion about her moving out. We talked about what items of major furniture she was taking and what she was leaving, and there were no arguments about any of it, so that was fine.

We discussed the house and mortgage, and came to a gentleman's agreement (for what that's worth) that if there is negative equity I won't go after her for her half of that, but if there's only a negligible amount of positive equity, she won't ask for that either. As long as we'd either break even or owe money on sale of the house, she'll sign over all rights to me without any hassles, and even consider staying on the mortgage (not paying, just on it) for a few months to a year as I work through financing.

We also agreed that as a show of good faith, we'd not work out an "official" seperattion agreement at first, we'd just agree that she'd continue to pay her half the mortgage and home insurance, and I'd pay everything else since I'll be the only one living here. We'll start doing the joint custody thing with The Boy right away, we have yet to agree on exactly how many days with each of us, but whatever we agree on as part of the official divorce agreement, we'll begin right away during this seperation.

So, all that was kinda positive, I guess. She restated her desire to get some sort of psychological opinion on how many days The Boy should spend with each of us. I said I'd listen to any opinion but didn't want to agree to follow it until I heard what it is. She claims that The Boy should be with her a lot more, like 5 days to my 2, at first, because "he'll miss his mommy" and "he needs his mommy."

Of course that's true, but I think SHE'S the one who's going to miss HIM. I think that at this time in his life, he needs to bond with his Daddy more, because the natural inclination is to be bonded with Mommy no matter what. But I will listen to outside opinions on that as I really do want what's best for The Boy.

I did say, however, that regardless of what time he spent with either of us, I wanted the child support amount of money to be based on 50/50 time. She was OK with that, though I still would rather we do child support based on expenses and not a flat amount monthly. If we fight about anything, I think it'll be that.


So why does the title of this post say EL Sweats It?

At the end of the convo, she said - "Can I ask you a favor please?" I said of course...

She said, "Can you agree that once our divorce is final, you won't be meddling in my life?"

I really wasn't sure exactly what she was getting at at first, I said I wouldn't be doing that, thinking she meant "controlling" or something like that. But she made it clear with her next statement:

"You know, like telling The Other Guy's wife, you know, or anything..."

Aha. Interesting. She kept saying, "If you want to be reasonable, you need to stop holding that over my head."

Interesting, because I haven't even made a comment about that in weeks. She's obviously concerned about it and worried about it.

My reply, "Well, you know, I don't want to promise something I can't be sure of. I think she has a right to know. I think you and the OG need to tell her, but I really don't know what I might do, so I'm not going to promise anything. Not to be sarcastic or spiteful, but just like you couldn't promise not to bring him into our house while I was gone - same thing. I don't want to lie. I've never lied to you yet, even if I have snooped on you."

She kept repeating - if she wants me to keep her "reasonable" I better never do that. I asked who was looking like a manipulator now. Fact is, I said, how could she trust me anyway? So I wouldn't promise that.

I did do an EL-style manipulative lie (like her "I didn't have sex" comments, meaning intercourse, but not meaning everything else...) and said, "After our divorce is 100% final and over with, I've already told you, I'll give you back that Email you printed out, and other things, and it'll be over."

Because, of course, if I am going to tell her, it's going to be after the agreement is final, but before the divorce actually is. Yes, that's a pretty sneaky little comment, but it's the sort of thing she'd do. She claims I'm "blackmailing" and "holding it over her head" but she's now the one trying to get me to promise to not say anything, if I want her to stay "reasonable."

And I was sincere, too - I DON'T want to agree to anything I don't plan to be honest about. I still consider that I will tell his wife, and members of her family, what really happened - and prove it, too. Bastard move, but if she keeps telling people I throw things at her and abuse her and other shit, well, I'm gonna do it for my own psyche.

Lomg entry. Looks like the drama isn't entirely over, eh?