In The Stale Cold Light of Dawn

Hmm. OK, so I was upset last night, I guess....

Y'know, in retrospect, this morning - who am I to judge her boyfriends. I judge HER, for giving up on a marriage that was VERY salvagable.

We didn't have one-tenth the problems of marriages that I have been hearing about, that stayed together and improved. There was a good chance at the beginning, even into the affair, that if she'd just have stopped long enough to see the man she married is still here, we could have gone on and gotten past this, each with equal blame and equal honor in saving it.

So, what I'm really angry about of course, is that she won't try, doesn't care, doesn't seem to think it's worth it. I will never stop saying I think she's childish and immature in the way she is acting.

But, reading her Email to new prospective boyfriends, and making fun of what losers they are, and the stupid way she's acting and the things she is saying...well, that's not very adult of ME now is it...?

I mean, what if she were a fly on the wall of one of my dates...what could she make fun of about them, or what could she make jokes about that I said about myself?

I have represented myself truly and fairly to anyone I've talked to or met/dated to this point, don't get me wrong. But seen through a filter of her own perceptions of me, I'm sure she could pick.

Who the hell knows, maybe she's had a major desire to go camping and just never told me, for some reason. Or maybe she wants to go camping again like she did as a kid, with some new person, to help get past me - much the way I'm considering taking up skiing or playing the violin, as a way of getting past her.

So, I need to at least be mature in my bitterness, if some such a combination is possible. I AM angry at her, I think she's incredibly stupid for what she is doing.

I also think she's acting incredibly slutty and is driven by fantasy and lust in her affair with the Other Guy.


But, in her chatting with guys online, well, she's just trying to be a person. I guess that's really nothing to make fun of her for or hate her for, in and of itself. My meeting women through the internet personals and chatting with them is no different. My REASONS have been different, but whatever hers are, she thinks they're valid.

So, rather hypocritical of me to make fun of her for writing to some guy who was nice enough to write to her.

She's still a whore, don't get me wrong - I really am disgusted by the way she's acting towards the other guy, and me, and her family, and herself in all this...but those guys have nothing to do with that. She doesn't appear to be soliciting them to join some kind of threesome or be a new sexual adventure for her. I guess she does deserve some kind of privacy in that regard.

Not saying I'm gonna stop reading Email just yet, because I don't want to make a promise I can't keep, but I am a little ashamed of myself for last night's tirade.