Not Much Happening - So I'll Vent Some More
A mostly uneventful day.
The Boy and I spent the day together. Took him for a haircut in the afternoon, after a nice long nap...you'd think he'd be in good spirits, but nope.
He hates haircuts. With. A. Passion!
This is only the 2nd time I've taken him, I was hoping he'd do better than the first, when he whimpered and fretted but didn't outright freak. Then again, he was also pretty sick that day.
Today he was in rare form. Screaming and bawling. Poor guy! You just can't reason with a 2 year old, as parents out there know, and I am learning. :) But Sue the Hair Lady did a great job, as good as the first time, if not better. He looks great with a real little boy haircut and not a "bowl cut" like he'd had before I started taking him to Sue. I've been going to the same place there for like...sheesh....10 or 12 years now. Since the Domino's Pizza Delivery driver days at least...
After that it was a quick run to Wegmans for more fresh fruit and vegetables.
Then home, where EL was already here. She had been in the car when we came into the garage. She said she was getting her lawyer's card out of the car, which I could certainly believe, because it has now been two full weeks since she signed the divorce filing papers with her lawyer and I have yet to be served.
If I hadn't already seen her copy of the papers (yes, I was spying...) I'd be concerned she was actually playing some kind of head game. But no, I guess her lawyer just isn't too quick about things.
Which is good for me, I'm sure.
Did I blog yet that she's rented an apartment? She has. Half a house in a town not far from here, and by an amazing coincidence, it's only a few blocks from where her boyfriend lives.
So I pointed that out, and she got offended. Whatever, EL....it's just the one you liked best, sure.
Apropos of nothing: When I went into the bathroom tonight to gather up the trash, I saw she'd worn crotchless panties to work that day. Christ, what a slut. Who wears that to work? I am wondering if she and her boyfriend took another "snow day" or something. Or perhaps just needed the easy access for a nooner or something.
I know I need to let it go, that it doesn't matter, that I shouldn't care, but you try walking in my shoes, bub.
Later that evening, after she gave The Boy a bath (I'd given him one that morning, but she didn't bother to ask me. She is so not used to the New Me it's rather amusing...) we ended up with some more angry words. Mostly her. The New Me doesn't get angry. Whether that's the Prozac, the lessons I've learned, or just my way of annoying her (likely a combination of all three) I don't know, but I really don't. It just doesn't phase me.
I don't remember how the initial conversation started, but it ended up with me asking, what exactly did she tell people about why she was divorcing me? She couldn't be telling them the truth, I said - was she lying? Saying I had an affair? That I abused her? Was she still telling people I threw things?
She got mad and said something like, "Don't lie, you know you did."
THAT bugged me, but I still didn't get angry, in the New Me calm and rational voice I just pointed out that one of us has been lying about virtually everything since this started, telling different stories to different people. Meanwhile the other person has been sneaky, but hasn't really lied about anything. And that person has also been putting up with a lot, still wished his wife hadn't made such a stupid choice, and so on.
She gets upset whenever I say how stupid she's being. I try not to say it as much anymore because it's over and done now, but I can't hold back when she gets moralistic on me. I just can't do that to myself. I simply say, "EL...nobody could possibly think you are doing the right thing if you are telling the truth, so I don't think you are. You tell people I throw things at you, but somehow, I've never hit you with any of them. So you know that's a lie."
She indignantly pointed out that, once, the phone did in fact hit her.
Now people, scroll down to where this blog started. What hit her was the plastic battery cover of the phone that had bounced off the floor.
Was that bad? Of COURSE it was. Was it intentional, or dangerous in the least, or aimed at her? Of course not.
I repeated to her I am sorry I ever acted that way, shouted and threw things, but that it wasn't fair for her to claim I threw things "at" anyone, or shouted "at" anyone, because I don't and never did. I used to throw the object that pissed me off, usually cursing at it. This behavoir stayed the same for the last 20 years of my life, never hit a soul. Was it right? Hell NO, that was a juvenile assinine thing to be doing but I'm not going to rehash all that in the blog again. I regret it and I've changed. I won't do it again.
Anyway I get defensive on that subject. She tells people lies about me, lies about her, lies about her boyfriend...all of it.
So, yeah, I think she's being stupid.
I told her flat out - just like she tells me too bad, I don't have to like her affair or the divorce 'cuz it's going to happen, I told her - she doesn't have to like me telling her she's being stupid, but I'm not going to stop saying it. It's wrong to throw away 9 good years and a marriage with a 2 year old boy in it, over her stubborn feelings and desire to be "free" all of a sudden, without a try, without ever telling the husband how bad she felt until it was already over.
I don't know why I'm blogging this it really is just more of the same, but it's had me annoyed.
She really does think she's the victim here, and the one who is acting completely rationally and fairly in all this. Boggles the mind.
Meanwhile, yes, I am fully spying on her email again. Fuck it, I don't care what anyone thinks.
Yes, I'm rationalizing - I am telling myself I'm doing it to help me in court, and to help me see what a whore she is so I get over it quicker.
She's now carrying on Email flirtations with two men who wrote back to her personal ad. Interestingly, not any of the women as far as I can tell - but then again, none of them were from our area that I saw.
She continues to tell the boyfriend she can't wait to fuck him and another chick.
But meanwhile, she's emailing these other two guys - both about 31 years old. One's a tattoo artist, and the other is a car stereo installer.
You go girl! Sounds like a plan! Give up stability and a marriage that, if not healthy, was still alive - for an ass artist and a crimp tool jockey. Both of whom have kids and, therefore we'd assume, pay child support. Be nice if she gives the tattoo guy her yeast infection and he gives her a 'lil hepititis.
IS that shallow? Fuck yeah. I'm WALLOWING in my shallowness right now, much as she is wallowing in her depravity. I know it's an unhealthy phase for me - I'll be bringing this up with my therapist Dennis Tuesday in fact - but I'm enjoying it anyway. Wrong, but oh so satisfying. Just like her affair, in fact, but arguably a lot less painful for all involved.
So she's now sneaking around on the affair boyfriend with these guys. Oh, and by the way, telling them she's divorced already, and that she loves "camping and hiking."
This woman has not set foor in a tent or on a trail in the 9 years I've known her, and I've been willing. I was pissed when we went to Hawaii neither of us was in any shape to hike into the national forests there to see some of the cool stuff, and if not before, she definitely knew then that I'd have loved to start hiking with her. Whatever, EL. I'm sure the tattoo guy will really be all about hiking the Appalachian Trail with her.
(which incidentally runs right through our county here and which I've walked a few times, and she knows this, and she knows I'd love to take The Boy and her along...)
I'm GLAD I'm reading her email again. I get so much dark amusement from it now. It's like seeing a fully loaded clown car* stuck on the railroad tracks with a trainful of live lobsters bearing down on it at high speed, and Casey Jones at the throttle. It's tragic but you can't look away 'cuz you just KNOW it's gonna be fucking FUNNY when it all blows up.
*(And not Ringling Brothers clowns either, but those fucking annoying Cirque du Soleil whitefaced mime clowns. And Paris Hilton. Just because.)
The Boy and I spent the day together. Took him for a haircut in the afternoon, after a nice long nap...you'd think he'd be in good spirits, but nope.
He hates haircuts. With. A. Passion!
This is only the 2nd time I've taken him, I was hoping he'd do better than the first, when he whimpered and fretted but didn't outright freak. Then again, he was also pretty sick that day.
Today he was in rare form. Screaming and bawling. Poor guy! You just can't reason with a 2 year old, as parents out there know, and I am learning. :) But Sue the Hair Lady did a great job, as good as the first time, if not better. He looks great with a real little boy haircut and not a "bowl cut" like he'd had before I started taking him to Sue. I've been going to the same place there for like...sheesh....10 or 12 years now. Since the Domino's Pizza Delivery driver days at least...
After that it was a quick run to Wegmans for more fresh fruit and vegetables.
Then home, where EL was already here. She had been in the car when we came into the garage. She said she was getting her lawyer's card out of the car, which I could certainly believe, because it has now been two full weeks since she signed the divorce filing papers with her lawyer and I have yet to be served.
If I hadn't already seen her copy of the papers (yes, I was spying...) I'd be concerned she was actually playing some kind of head game. But no, I guess her lawyer just isn't too quick about things.
Which is good for me, I'm sure.
Did I blog yet that she's rented an apartment? She has. Half a house in a town not far from here, and by an amazing coincidence, it's only a few blocks from where her boyfriend lives.
So I pointed that out, and she got offended. Whatever, EL....it's just the one you liked best, sure.
Apropos of nothing: When I went into the bathroom tonight to gather up the trash, I saw she'd worn crotchless panties to work that day. Christ, what a slut. Who wears that to work? I am wondering if she and her boyfriend took another "snow day" or something. Or perhaps just needed the easy access for a nooner or something.
I know I need to let it go, that it doesn't matter, that I shouldn't care, but you try walking in my shoes, bub.
Later that evening, after she gave The Boy a bath (I'd given him one that morning, but she didn't bother to ask me. She is so not used to the New Me it's rather amusing...) we ended up with some more angry words. Mostly her. The New Me doesn't get angry. Whether that's the Prozac, the lessons I've learned, or just my way of annoying her (likely a combination of all three) I don't know, but I really don't. It just doesn't phase me.
I don't remember how the initial conversation started, but it ended up with me asking, what exactly did she tell people about why she was divorcing me? She couldn't be telling them the truth, I said - was she lying? Saying I had an affair? That I abused her? Was she still telling people I threw things?
She got mad and said something like, "Don't lie, you know you did."
THAT bugged me, but I still didn't get angry, in the New Me calm and rational voice I just pointed out that one of us has been lying about virtually everything since this started, telling different stories to different people. Meanwhile the other person has been sneaky, but hasn't really lied about anything. And that person has also been putting up with a lot, still wished his wife hadn't made such a stupid choice, and so on.
She gets upset whenever I say how stupid she's being. I try not to say it as much anymore because it's over and done now, but I can't hold back when she gets moralistic on me. I just can't do that to myself. I simply say, "EL...nobody could possibly think you are doing the right thing if you are telling the truth, so I don't think you are. You tell people I throw things at you, but somehow, I've never hit you with any of them. So you know that's a lie."
She indignantly pointed out that, once, the phone did in fact hit her.
Now people, scroll down to where this blog started. What hit her was the plastic battery cover of the phone that had bounced off the floor.
Was that bad? Of COURSE it was. Was it intentional, or dangerous in the least, or aimed at her? Of course not.
I repeated to her I am sorry I ever acted that way, shouted and threw things, but that it wasn't fair for her to claim I threw things "at" anyone, or shouted "at" anyone, because I don't and never did. I used to throw the object that pissed me off, usually cursing at it. This behavoir stayed the same for the last 20 years of my life, never hit a soul. Was it right? Hell NO, that was a juvenile assinine thing to be doing but I'm not going to rehash all that in the blog again. I regret it and I've changed. I won't do it again.
Anyway I get defensive on that subject. She tells people lies about me, lies about her, lies about her boyfriend...all of it.
So, yeah, I think she's being stupid.
I told her flat out - just like she tells me too bad, I don't have to like her affair or the divorce 'cuz it's going to happen, I told her - she doesn't have to like me telling her she's being stupid, but I'm not going to stop saying it. It's wrong to throw away 9 good years and a marriage with a 2 year old boy in it, over her stubborn feelings and desire to be "free" all of a sudden, without a try, without ever telling the husband how bad she felt until it was already over.
I don't know why I'm blogging this it really is just more of the same, but it's had me annoyed.
She really does think she's the victim here, and the one who is acting completely rationally and fairly in all this. Boggles the mind.
Meanwhile, yes, I am fully spying on her email again. Fuck it, I don't care what anyone thinks.
Yes, I'm rationalizing - I am telling myself I'm doing it to help me in court, and to help me see what a whore she is so I get over it quicker.
She's now carrying on Email flirtations with two men who wrote back to her personal ad. Interestingly, not any of the women as far as I can tell - but then again, none of them were from our area that I saw.
She continues to tell the boyfriend she can't wait to fuck him and another chick.
But meanwhile, she's emailing these other two guys - both about 31 years old. One's a tattoo artist, and the other is a car stereo installer.
You go girl! Sounds like a plan! Give up stability and a marriage that, if not healthy, was still alive - for an ass artist and a crimp tool jockey. Both of whom have kids and, therefore we'd assume, pay child support. Be nice if she gives the tattoo guy her yeast infection and he gives her a 'lil hepititis.
IS that shallow? Fuck yeah. I'm WALLOWING in my shallowness right now, much as she is wallowing in her depravity. I know it's an unhealthy phase for me - I'll be bringing this up with my therapist Dennis Tuesday in fact - but I'm enjoying it anyway. Wrong, but oh so satisfying. Just like her affair, in fact, but arguably a lot less painful for all involved.
So she's now sneaking around on the affair boyfriend with these guys. Oh, and by the way, telling them she's divorced already, and that she loves "camping and hiking."
This woman has not set foor in a tent or on a trail in the 9 years I've known her, and I've been willing. I was pissed when we went to Hawaii neither of us was in any shape to hike into the national forests there to see some of the cool stuff, and if not before, she definitely knew then that I'd have loved to start hiking with her. Whatever, EL. I'm sure the tattoo guy will really be all about hiking the Appalachian Trail with her.
(which incidentally runs right through our county here and which I've walked a few times, and she knows this, and she knows I'd love to take The Boy and her along...)
I'm GLAD I'm reading her email again. I get so much dark amusement from it now. It's like seeing a fully loaded clown car* stuck on the railroad tracks with a trainful of live lobsters bearing down on it at high speed, and Casey Jones at the throttle. It's tragic but you can't look away 'cuz you just KNOW it's gonna be fucking FUNNY when it all blows up.
*(And not Ringling Brothers clowns either, but those fucking annoying Cirque du Soleil whitefaced mime clowns. And Paris Hilton. Just because.)
posted by Fensty at 5:53 AM
3 Comments:
JD,
Because of my personal life, I'm seeing something in your situation that I've never seen before. It's gonna hurt so brace yourself: maybe she isn't leaving you for another man/woman, maybe she isn't leaving you just to be free and whore herself around, Maybe She Just Wasn't Happy. I know that's harsh for this early in the morning, but I care about you enough to tell you the truth. Maybe she just wasn't happy.
Let me tell you a little story, one you've heard most of: my husband doesn't make me happy. He hasn't in awhile. Whether it's lack of wanting to, lack of caring, or even lack of knowing what I needed to be happy, he wasn't doing it for me. So I decided to make myself happy. You know how I tried to do that: with other men. Now that I'm no longer using other people to make me feel good, I'm noticing that I can make myself happiest by doing what I know needs doing. I'm going to leave him, soon. And it's not for another man, it's for me and my happiness.
You can call me selfish all day long for doing that to my sons, but I have a question for you: Is it better to teach them that sometimes people don't get along and then live apart to be happier or to teach them that it's ok to live an unhappy life as long as you're making others happy? In other words, would you want your son to get a divorce if he wasn't happy but tried (even though you didn't see it, I bet she tried, in her own way) or would you rather him live with someone sucking the life-force out of him just because the "right thing" is to stay together?
I know that this idea isn't smooth around all of the edges and that our situations are different. Every situation is different and people are ultimately responsible for their own happiness. That's all I'm trying to say. She's searching for happiness, albeit with other men/women. I've ran that course and found only temporary pleasure coupled with an intense letdown that left me scrambling for my next "fix." She will realize that an entire harem won't make her happy if she can't make herself happy without them.
Anyway, e-mail me at work if you want to talk about this more. I know it was a lot to tell you on here and I should have e-mailed you, but I want to see the comments that follow.
So how about it, folks: Could El just be searching for internal happiness?
JD, I'm not going to say that you were making her unhappy. I don't think that my husband is necessarily my problem. My lack of love for him has a lot to do with it, but I don't think he, as a person, is the root cause.
Until later,
Take Care,
Dana
No problem, "D". :)
Funny, I wrote my last entry just now before reading any comments on this one...and yeah, I felt bad this morning thinking about how I'd written last night.
Now, there are some differences in your story and hers, though. Mainly - she never tried to make herself happy by telling ME what the problems were. She just let it get worse and worse until she decided the only thing that would work was leaving.
I don't think YOU are that selfish, because you've made many attempts to fix what was wrong. Your own affair wasn't right, but when you saw how it was affecting your judgement you stopped, and you still came to the same conclusion. That is all I ever wanted from her, and the thing I can't forgive.
But yeah, my ranting about her whorishness really doesn't fit with the rest of my reasons for being upset with her. It is just a visceral reaction to being betrayed, I guess..
I know she Just Wasn't Happy, she's said that enough times. I just can't get past that she never tried to take steps to make herself happy, short of having an affair and throwing her marriage away without a thought.
I know she's seekig fulfillment the only way she seems to know how right now. I just think she could have gotten that out of her marriage if she'd tried.
JD
You're still not listening to me, JD. Maybe she DID try, just not in a way you recognize, or want to recognize. Just because she didn't try in the way you wanted her to doesn't mean she didn't. Just sticking around for 9 years is more trying than I'm willing to do.
You and I both know she's not behaving rationally right now, but her motives aren't really known to you.
Remember when you were hesitant about medicating your depression? I have personally said "Why do I need a pill to be happy? Why can't I just be happy without one? I don't want to depend on a pill to be happy." You and I know that thinking is flawed much in the same way as "I shouldn't need this tylenol to make my head not hurt - it just shouldn't hurt." Relate that to marriage counseling from her point of view: "Why does it take a stranger to make J and I get along and be happy? Why shouldn't we just BE Happy without this interference?" And then there is the question I've asked myself for 6 years: "Is love supposed to be this hard? Is a relationship supposed to make me feel this bad?"
In no means am I justifying El's (or my own) affair/affairs. Please understand that I know (and knew all along) that infidelity is wrong (morally, ethically, religiously). But sometimes we do things that are wrong Just Because. (Do you drive 55 in a 55 MPH zone? Why? It's illegal to drive 56, let alone 60. So why do you do it? Just Because.)
Just some more of my thoughts, hopefully clearer.
TC,
D
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