Rollercoaster Again
Gaaaaaah. What hell.
So, don't recall if I blogged it here, but my son was sick all last week. Nothing terrible, but he had sort of a wet cough and runny nose, so I'd taken him to the doctor, last Tuesday I think it might've been. (As in, Dec 28th)
He got some antibiotics, as the doc said the cough was caused by the post-nasal drip and not anything in his chest, and he likely had sinusitis. OK, fine.
The cough never really got "better" though, didn't get worse, just sorta stayed…so as EL was moving out over the weekend, I asked if she could take him to the doctor on Monday again if he was still coughing.
Well, I pick him up at day care yesterday, he's still coughing, and his nose is still all runny. Hmm, ok. I had even ASKED her on Wednesday night how he was doing, she said fine.
So I'm thinking, maybe I better try to take him to the doctor myself, but since I've missed all this time at work and this is my first week back, I'd rather not take the time out - figured I'd take him Saturday.
Dropped him off at my Mother-In-Law's this morning as normal. He was coughing but otherwise fine, so, no change from the last week is what I'm saying.
9am, I get a call from the MIL. "Don't you know (The Boy) is sick? He's got conjunctivitis, plus, his nasal discharge is brown so you need to call the doctor, make an appointment, then come here and take him."
Oh, really? Hmm. Recall, my friends, that if we look back in this blog somewhere the LAST time she pulled this, he wasn't sick at all. Is my son being used as some kind of pawn here, by the very people that accuse ME of that?
I don't know, but he's all that matters here, so I call EL at work. I ask her, does she know her Mom called me? Yes. I explain that he didn't seem sick at all, but if her mom says that we better take him, but since I took him to the doctor two times in the time I was off, and this was my first week back, could she please see if she could take him today? She said fine, took the doctor's #'s, and said she'd call me back.
While waiting, I typed this Email to my friend about the situation:
Now, get this - he still had a blocked up nose when I picked him up at daycare yesterday, and was still coughing the hacking cough he had all LAST week, when I took him to the doctor and we got the antibiotics. Late last week I told EL she should probably take him on Monday if he didn't seem better, and obviously he didn't. I asked her on Wednesday how he was, if he was coughing, she said he was fine, still cought a little.
OK, so this morning he wakes up, I take him to her Mom's like normal, drop him, head to work. Just now phone rings, it's her mom, all demanding, "JD, (The Boy) has conjunctivitis - did you KNOW THAT? And his nasal discharge is brown, DID YOU SEE THAT? You need to call the doctor, make an appointment, and then come pick him up."
Oh, really?
So I called EL, and told her nicely that I'd asked her to take him to the doctor early in the week, I took him twice when I was off, and I couldn't leave work today after all that time off, no way. I know this is all some kind of "scam" to try to make me look bad, make it look like I won't take him to the doctor on "my custody day" or something like that. Pink eye? I saw nothing wrong with his eyes last night or today...he wasn't rubbing them, there was no "stuff" in them, nothing.
EL was like, "He hasn't been coughing all week." Like he magically got this same wet hacking cough back the same day I picked him up? Yeah, right.
Did I ever mention how she's tried to blame my enjoyment of the fireplace for his respiratory stuff? We have an INSERT in the fireplace. Metal door. Sorta like a woodstove-in-a-hearth for those that don't know what an insert is. Point being, EVERYTHING goes up the chimney, only heat comes out from the blower motor and heat radiator inside the insert.
Later in the convo, she asked if I'd given him cough syrup, since his antibiotics ran out on Saturday, and he was still sick, "There's nothing else to do but give him cough medicine and let it run it's course."
Oh, that's good. Doctor Mom there. Besides, I asked, was SHE giving him cough syrup? "Yes" she said. "I thought he wasn't coughing at your place?" Oh, she said, she meant her parents were giving it to him. Uh huh.
Sorry I'm venting. This is also going in my blog. The blog is sort of a legal record as well where all this stuff gets written down for date/time purposes in case she tries to pull crap on me later.
I just worry about my son, sure, I'm the hyperactive Dad who worries about my boy, but come ON, he's been coughing for a week, you take him to the doctor! You don't make ME look like the ass, you just make your son #1 and do what you need to do for him! ARGH.
If she'd said she couldn't take off, and her Mom wouldn't take him (which I don't mind, not sure I want her taking my son to a doctor, she'd probably think she knew better, y'know, as she's a geriatrics nurse with 3 whole years experience, lotta relevancy to pediatrics there…) then I would certainly have done so…
I asked for 2 minutes of her time so I could get to the bottom of what was going on. I could hear her gritting her teeth over the phone, I tried to explain that I was worried she and her Mom were somehow trying to make it look like I was a "bad Daddy" or something, but that obviously he'd been sick the whole time he was with her, etc…and she got pissy and said she had to go, she'd call me later.
So, I wrote an angry letter to EL, but I'm not sending it, that wouldn't be a good idea. It was longer but I chopped a bit off, then decided I'd "vent it" here…so here goes:
I don't understand why you become stressed out the minute we start talking. Based on the Emails I've seen you send and receive from work, it's pretty clear that you aren't that busy ALL the time. Call me when it's convienent for you, but I would like to talk to you.
I'm upset because I asked you to take him to the doctor if he was still sick on Monday, and you didn't. You claim he wasn't coughing "at your house" but yet you admit you were giving him cough medicine. Then your story changes and you say he was coughing at your MOM's house, but not yours. I'm pretty sure if I ask D-- or J-- at day care, they will tell me he's been sick and coughing there.
Maybe it's my imagination but it seems funny that suddenly you are being uncooperative about everything. I didn't want this divorce, and since you've demanded it, all I've wanted to do was get along and make it easy on (The Boy), I have put up with all your antics with (Other Guy) and others, respected your privacy insofar as not telling anyone about your affairs - regardless of how your mother is telling people I'm "looking for EL's replacement on the Internet." (Should I tell people what YOU are looking for on the Internet?) - let you push me around, let you take whatever you wanted out of the house (except for tearing the curtains off the walls) and not stood in your way one bit. I think we need to start talking about this and figure out what's changed in your mind about all this, because it seems like something has.
So…I don't want to antagonize her by sending that. I wish I had the longer version it had a lot more snarky barbs and sarcasm. :)
I'm just pissed. No idea where this is going, but I get the feeling I'm being painted badly somehow and I don't see it coming. I am swinging back and forth between being hopefully optimistic about my divorce, and crushingly realistic/pessimistic about it.
So, don't recall if I blogged it here, but my son was sick all last week. Nothing terrible, but he had sort of a wet cough and runny nose, so I'd taken him to the doctor, last Tuesday I think it might've been. (As in, Dec 28th)
He got some antibiotics, as the doc said the cough was caused by the post-nasal drip and not anything in his chest, and he likely had sinusitis. OK, fine.
The cough never really got "better" though, didn't get worse, just sorta stayed…so as EL was moving out over the weekend, I asked if she could take him to the doctor on Monday again if he was still coughing.
Well, I pick him up at day care yesterday, he's still coughing, and his nose is still all runny. Hmm, ok. I had even ASKED her on Wednesday night how he was doing, she said fine.
So I'm thinking, maybe I better try to take him to the doctor myself, but since I've missed all this time at work and this is my first week back, I'd rather not take the time out - figured I'd take him Saturday.
Dropped him off at my Mother-In-Law's this morning as normal. He was coughing but otherwise fine, so, no change from the last week is what I'm saying.
9am, I get a call from the MIL. "Don't you know (The Boy) is sick? He's got conjunctivitis, plus, his nasal discharge is brown so you need to call the doctor, make an appointment, then come here and take him."
Oh, really? Hmm. Recall, my friends, that if we look back in this blog somewhere the LAST time she pulled this, he wasn't sick at all. Is my son being used as some kind of pawn here, by the very people that accuse ME of that?
I don't know, but he's all that matters here, so I call EL at work. I ask her, does she know her Mom called me? Yes. I explain that he didn't seem sick at all, but if her mom says that we better take him, but since I took him to the doctor two times in the time I was off, and this was my first week back, could she please see if she could take him today? She said fine, took the doctor's #'s, and said she'd call me back.
While waiting, I typed this Email to my friend about the situation:
Now, get this - he still had a blocked up nose when I picked him up at daycare yesterday, and was still coughing the hacking cough he had all LAST week, when I took him to the doctor and we got the antibiotics. Late last week I told EL she should probably take him on Monday if he didn't seem better, and obviously he didn't. I asked her on Wednesday how he was, if he was coughing, she said he was fine, still cought a little.
OK, so this morning he wakes up, I take him to her Mom's like normal, drop him, head to work. Just now phone rings, it's her mom, all demanding, "JD, (The Boy) has conjunctivitis - did you KNOW THAT? And his nasal discharge is brown, DID YOU SEE THAT? You need to call the doctor, make an appointment, and then come pick him up."
Oh, really?
So I called EL, and told her nicely that I'd asked her to take him to the doctor early in the week, I took him twice when I was off, and I couldn't leave work today after all that time off, no way. I know this is all some kind of "scam" to try to make me look bad, make it look like I won't take him to the doctor on "my custody day" or something like that. Pink eye? I saw nothing wrong with his eyes last night or today...he wasn't rubbing them, there was no "stuff" in them, nothing.
EL was like, "He hasn't been coughing all week." Like he magically got this same wet hacking cough back the same day I picked him up? Yeah, right.
Did I ever mention how she's tried to blame my enjoyment of the fireplace for his respiratory stuff? We have an INSERT in the fireplace. Metal door. Sorta like a woodstove-in-a-hearth for those that don't know what an insert is. Point being, EVERYTHING goes up the chimney, only heat comes out from the blower motor and heat radiator inside the insert.
Later in the convo, she asked if I'd given him cough syrup, since his antibiotics ran out on Saturday, and he was still sick, "There's nothing else to do but give him cough medicine and let it run it's course."
Oh, that's good. Doctor Mom there. Besides, I asked, was SHE giving him cough syrup? "Yes" she said. "I thought he wasn't coughing at your place?" Oh, she said, she meant her parents were giving it to him. Uh huh.
Sorry I'm venting. This is also going in my blog. The blog is sort of a legal record as well where all this stuff gets written down for date/time purposes in case she tries to pull crap on me later.
I just worry about my son, sure, I'm the hyperactive Dad who worries about my boy, but come ON, he's been coughing for a week, you take him to the doctor! You don't make ME look like the ass, you just make your son #1 and do what you need to do for him! ARGH.
If she'd said she couldn't take off, and her Mom wouldn't take him (which I don't mind, not sure I want her taking my son to a doctor, she'd probably think she knew better, y'know, as she's a geriatrics nurse with 3 whole years experience, lotta relevancy to pediatrics there…) then I would certainly have done so…
I asked for 2 minutes of her time so I could get to the bottom of what was going on. I could hear her gritting her teeth over the phone, I tried to explain that I was worried she and her Mom were somehow trying to make it look like I was a "bad Daddy" or something, but that obviously he'd been sick the whole time he was with her, etc…and she got pissy and said she had to go, she'd call me later.
So, I wrote an angry letter to EL, but I'm not sending it, that wouldn't be a good idea. It was longer but I chopped a bit off, then decided I'd "vent it" here…so here goes:
I don't understand why you become stressed out the minute we start talking. Based on the Emails I've seen you send and receive from work, it's pretty clear that you aren't that busy ALL the time. Call me when it's convienent for you, but I would like to talk to you.
I'm upset because I asked you to take him to the doctor if he was still sick on Monday, and you didn't. You claim he wasn't coughing "at your house" but yet you admit you were giving him cough medicine. Then your story changes and you say he was coughing at your MOM's house, but not yours. I'm pretty sure if I ask D-- or J-- at day care, they will tell me he's been sick and coughing there.
Maybe it's my imagination but it seems funny that suddenly you are being uncooperative about everything. I didn't want this divorce, and since you've demanded it, all I've wanted to do was get along and make it easy on (The Boy), I have put up with all your antics with (Other Guy) and others, respected your privacy insofar as not telling anyone about your affairs - regardless of how your mother is telling people I'm "looking for EL's replacement on the Internet." (Should I tell people what YOU are looking for on the Internet?) - let you push me around, let you take whatever you wanted out of the house (except for tearing the curtains off the walls) and not stood in your way one bit. I think we need to start talking about this and figure out what's changed in your mind about all this, because it seems like something has.
So…I don't want to antagonize her by sending that. I wish I had the longer version it had a lot more snarky barbs and sarcasm. :)
I'm just pissed. No idea where this is going, but I get the feeling I'm being painted badly somehow and I don't see it coming. I am swinging back and forth between being hopefully optimistic about my divorce, and crushingly realistic/pessimistic about it.
posted by Fensty at 1:02 PM
3 Comments:
JD
I just want to preface my comments by saying everything I think is based on a potential battle for custody, be it joint or otherwise, so while I may sound maniacal at times it comes from being embroiled for several years in such a battle.
In my experience, the reasoning courts use to justify giving primary custody to mom is because they rely on the primary caregiver argument. The easiest way to defeat (or at least diminish) this contention is to have proof that is not the case. Just saying you made dinner, did baths, purchased clothes will not be enough.
Whenever possible take him to the doctor, the dentist, functions, become cozy with workers at daycare and school - ask how he is doing A LOT, try to have a meaningful (but brief) chat every time you pick him up. Set up play dates, initiate flu shots... whatever you can do where there will either be a paper trail showing you took care of those things or people (school staff, other parents, etc...) who can vouch for your involvement. In particular school personnel and physicians will be taken seriously by the courts. I know some of this may not be relevant right now as he is so young but eventually it will be.
I realize you took him the previous two times and I realize that she (and her family) are not addressing this in an appropriate fashion and it is unfortunate that you have to be concerned that someone is trying to set you up. The best advice we got from our attorney was to be proactive. This doesn't mean take a child to the doctor at every sniffle, but even knowing that coughs have a tendency to linger, if it lasts for more than a few days - call her and tell her you are planning to take him, and then take him - JUST TO BE SURE.
My husband had a hard discussion with his boss about being flexible with him and fully explained why... I know you have been off for a while but you might give this a shot. Days where my husband does not have his child, he generally puts in a little extra to make up for the added flexibility.
One of the things that almost ruined us was during the 3 custody evaluations we endured (all with a few months in between as the doc's we never ready to take us immediately) all of the sudden my husbands child came down with all sorts of "ailments." Ailments we NEVER saw when we had the child (1/2 the time) and were quite serious. These only popped up during the evaluations - after the evaluation part was over but while waiting for the reports to be submitted, in between the reports, before the evaluations began and since they ended -none of these illnesses or symptoms have returned. Convenient? We thought so… And we also thought the highly educated evaluators (at least 2 & 3) considering the “timing” would think so as well.
After his ex wife had peddled the child to half the doctors in a 300 mile radius of her home, requiring extremely INVASIVE (I’m not going to spell it out but think of where the most invasive procedure could possibly be and I’m betting you know where I’m going with this) procedures be done on a pre school age child, my husband asked that she not put their child through any more of this considering no one was finding anything to support her claims. She did not stop and eventually found someone who (after repeated visits and “exams”) validated some of her claims and was able to pinpoint that they were a result of the child’s diet every other week. Which of course were the weeks he was with us. When my husband learned this procedure was being done to his child every other week by this out of state “doctor” he called the office and apprised them that he must consent before they can do this procedure and if they wanted to do so on his child again they needed to let him know prior.
This was the one facet of our case where we were dead wrong. Even though my husband took care of all the traditional medical care (immunizations, physicals, etc…) his ex wife hopped up and down about these mysterious ailments and provided a letter from the doctor saying that my husband had called him. She claimed harassment of the doctor, that my husband was not concerned and refused to address these conditions that were substantiated by a physician… and everybody bought it. They all seemed to err on the side of more medical is better than less medical. If it were not for the fact that his ex wife was lacking in so many other arenas this might have broken us. Truly. Not only did they not agree with my husband that this (could even possibly) be a ploy in a custody battle, he was admonished for potentially trying to prevent medical care for his only child. Pretty sick, huh? His child had to see over 40 doctors in a one year span who found nothing wrong and his ex finally found one willing to give a toddler bi weekly rectal exams and to claim that these mysterious symptoms were a result of diet EVERY OTHER WEEK – and we were crazy.
So, sorry to take up so much space – but apparently medical issues are taken very seriously. And if you are at all feeling like you are being set up or like a custody battle is coming, try to do everything you can for your child in general and with his medical stuff. If EL at any time begins to describe symptoms you are not witnessing, take him to the doctor anyway – describe what EL says she is seeing and ask what the doctor thinks. Don’t simply say I don’t see that and let it go – it might back to haunt you as you are painted an uninvolved, unconcerned and generally bad father. Just my 2 cents anyway.
Meg
PS - Also, if things heat up you might want to have someone with some credentials look at that fireplace and put in writing that it could not be contributing to your son’s proclivity for colds/cough. No doubt she will say, "I have been telling him for years that fireplace was bad for our son but he didn't care, he kept using it..." And better to have the proof when she first makes the accusation than to have to react afterwards.
Wow, Meg...LOTS of food for thought, don't EVER hold yourself back on commenting. Be as long as you want!
I had already gotten some advice like that from some books I've read - for example, I know all his sizes, buy him clothes and things "just because" and all that stuff. I mean I would ANYWAY, but now I make note of it. And I admit had someone asked me, "What size shoes does you son wear?" before this began, I'd have said, "Let me call my wife..."
But the doctor angle, I never thought of that. Hmm. Well, had this not been my first week back, I never would have done that...so from now on I'll keep that advice in mind.
And a good point about the fireplace as well. I know she's nuts (it's more likely the fact that his clothes stink like an oil furnace when he comes home from his grandparents...) but I will do some more research and maybe consult an allergist or something like that just to be sure. Maybe even get the freakin' thing cleaned, shoulda done that this year anyway. :)
Anyway I think I needed that splash of cold water post there to get my own attention back where it belongs. I don't want to be too complacent in this stuff.
Sucks that I have to feel this way, I just want to love my boy and not worry about these issues, but I can see how important they are. She insists she won't fight for custody but I'd be stupid to believe that, I better keep that in mind.
He does have pink eye, by the way. Grr. Hope I don't get it now, but I most likely will after hanging out with him so closely last night...and I don't have any sick days left. :)
JD
Hang in there JD, unfortunately it's only going to get rougher. Document everything you do or see and if at all possible, try to have witnesses. Unfortunately the courts/judges are normally pro mother. And i dont say that out of anger or bitterness, but due to seeing this, first hand, in court all the time. Another unfortunate thing is that, niceness won't get you too far with the MIL. You need to set firmly with EL that this is between you two, and that your MIL will not have a say in how the two of you raise your son. She had her chance and look how her parenting turned out!!!
Sorry to hear of Meg's ordeal. It's a sad shame that so many in our justice system dont see the truth and real picture in so many cases involving our children today. They sit on the bench making rulings that are often, not in the best interest of the children, because of their pro-mother attitudes. It's no wonder some times why we have so much domestic violence in our country. I wanted to hurt Meg's husband's exwife just because of what she was putting that child through, and I dont even know the woman. I've just seen too many like her that put their child through so much emotional and physical abuse, all just to keep their exs from having a normal, decent relationship with their children.
Like I've said many times....it's becoming a sad, sad world we live in!!!!!!!
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