The End of My Marriage?

I am still alive...

2007-01-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

Y'know, for how useful, nay, completely necessary to my sanity and daily functioning this blog once was, it shocks me how quickly I just let it all drop away.

I guess, once I started living a new life via the "acceptance" stage of Ye Olde Five Phases, it just ceased to play a part.

Since then most of the posts have been some variant of, "I'm still alive, what about the rest of you?" "You" being those few people who made an actual connection with me here and exchanged a few emails or whatever.

Well, that's all this is too. I am still alive, still dating Alicia, the Boy is great, EL is still a stupid skank.....but lots of other changes have taken place. New job, new career search being the big ones... Alicia has moved into my home with me and sold her own, and things really are pretty darn good.

All that said, I'm going to start a new blog, because I'm starting a new job this week, and I've learned once that a blog is a great way to deal with changes, plus it's a job that may lead to some fun and funny observations.

Since I'll be blogging all about my new job, which is just that, a "job" versus a career, and the continual career search for a "real" job in my chosen profession...I'll have to stay anonymous. Won't be too good for the current job, even if I don't plan to be there long, to be exposed that way.

So...sorry I can't tell anyone where I'm blogging now. If anyone reads this who was once a regular, well, maybe you can figure it out. Maybe you can even email me and I'll let you know.

If not, just keep reading and browsing new blogs and have fun, and who knows, you might come across me again, or if not, are sure to find some other fun blogs to read.

I'm not sure this is the 100% official "end" of The End of My Marriage blog, but likely, it is.

Wow, helpful therapy...

2006-04-19T08:25:00.000-04:00

No slam against Dennis the therapist/counselor I was seeing back in October '04 when this whole divorce, but that was mostly just talk therapy...made me feel better to talk stuff out, but there were really no outcomes or goals or that kinda thing.

Couple weeks ago when I started feeling like I was back in the same 'ol same 'ol rut again, getting complacent (aka "fat and happy") with my life, and letting things slide, I decided to pre-empt the situation and called my EAP line at work and hooked up with a much more outcome-oriented CBT therapist, Jane.

It's much nicer. Not only have I already made some basic progress in "getting shit done" in my life, we've also done some digging into my psyche kinda thing that Dennis never really bothered with.

Now, the answers to most of that digging have been the easy, cliche' answers of "daddy issues" with my father and antiauthority streak going back to my pre-teen years, but just because they're the easy cliche answers/insights doesn't make 'em wrong. In fact this is the same thing that I was learning about myself back in the '80s when I was seeing a child psychiatrist for my "school phobia" (transalte: underachievement, disengament from social norms, anxiety, etc) issues.

Thing is I seem to be in a place where I can address it more, and Jane seems like a much more active, hands-on kinda counselor who'll help me dig into these things a bit more and make some progress.

As such I definitely will be blogging more as a way to write out some of the issues and keep a log of sorts.

My "homework" for this week is to try and identify different times when I do feel internal anger, dare I say "rage" at things (though, I'm happy to note, when I DO feel that irrational rage/anger these days, the worst that happens is I say to Alicia or The Boy or whoever, "Sorry, give me a minute here, OK, I'm getting a little upset, lemme walk away for a minute." (obviously The Boy gets a more simplified, "Daddy needs to count to 10 to feel better, want to count with me?" kinda thing)) vs. when I am in a situation where I don't feel any anger at all even though it might be warrented.

What I'm trying to explain is that it's very odd and there's a pattern I'd like to try to identify -- sometimes I get really pissed off and feel that desire to just kick the shit outta something (never someone, honestly...) vs. other times when I just shrug it off and move on.

Like, last night for no reason my laptop decided to stop working. Like, flip the switch and nothing, man. And after a few minutes of fiddling with the battery, and the charger, and the socket, etc....I just felt that feeling of "fuck this shit, this fucker's gonna break into a million pieces when it hits the driveway from the 2nd floor window over there" and had to tell Alicia, "OK, please, gimme a minute here, please don't ask me if you can help or offer suggestions right now, I gotta calm down..." Same thing happened a couple days ago when TurboTax wasn't calculating something correctly and telling me there was an error in my return over a credit I never even tried to enter...software kept arguing with me, I finally had to walk away...

On the other hand, other day I was stuck in traffic and late for something and it never even occurred to me to be uptight about it. Why, can't do anything, it is what it is... Or, I'm in a "dispute" situation with a very sneaky, nasty Ebay seller over a book I bought and never received, and I am so laid back about it as we email back and forth it surprises me I don't feel the least anger. Lotsa things like that.

There's some kinda pattern there and I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully, logging it more when it happens might help it emerge.

OK, gotta get moving for the day here...

BTW I will soon be switching from this blog to another one that I created like a year ago, since my divorce is just about over...and I will no longer be a "husband" in any sense obe the word...

IF you'd like to follow me over to the new blog, you have to send me an Email so I can email you back the new blog info. Sorry 'bout that but it's the only way, I have some people, friends, family etc. who've been reading this one that spread it to others who I'd rather NOT be reading it so in an attempt to weed 'em out a bit it's the only way...

To the Original Red-Headed Goddess

2006-04-07T12:13:00.000-04:00

I know you're reading the blog, who else from "v????????.edu" would be dropping in on this boring lame-O blog anymore?

So why didn't you write me back to my Email, it kinda depressed me, like, y'know, "Maybe I only remember to write every few months, but she and I always have been like that, and it's been kinda OK for so long...but maybe she's just closing that chapter forever now." Bleah, say it ain't so, we should still be friends, in fact, with me and Alicia being so much more outgoing and friend-seeking/entertaining happy than me and EL -ever- were, we should actually be able to hang out once in a great while, do some Philly 'burb dinners, something....

So, like, email or something, willya? How's life? How's the neverending home improvement going? How's A? Y'know...check in, lemme know life goes on apace and all's well and happy! (or not, hope not of course, but you know, that's just as important. You've always been there for me even when I didn't deserve it!)

Two new entries in a week? Woot!

2006-04-07T12:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I guess there's enough happening to talk about. Plus, it IS good therapy, y'know, and seeing as I'm "back in therapy" then why not?

Mortgage broker just left, had an appointment today at 11. Good news, financing should just breeze through - didn't need paystubs, tax returns, anything.

That's amazing when I consider that not even 9 years ago, I was a slacker pizza guy living in his Mom's house, not worried about much more than keeping myself in cheap wine and video games and dating, well, EL (and those that came before her as well, of course...)

So 9 years later I get a mortgage on a nice bi-level home in a nice suburb of a nice Lehigh Valley, PA town without anything more than a credit check and a handshake.

I really don't want to piss that away, now do I? I think that's why I realized it was time to really get my head back on straight and start excelling at my job again rather than just showing up, eh?

S'anyway, I'm not gauche enough to get into financials but I just qualified for an amount of money that would have been staggering to me even 6 or 7 years ago, without a spouse or co-applicant. And it's only about 75% of the equity of the house anyway -- which, if you'll recall, is why I needed to get the loan so badly.

To recap, if I'd not have qualified for my own mortgage, the property agreement says, we have to sell the house and split the cash equally as part of the divorce. But if I do qualify, she'll let me have the house. So, obviously, I'm happy. Sure, closing costs are a bitch and the interest rate is a full point and a half higher than it was when we re-fi'd in 2003, but one way or another I'll have sold the house or re-fi'd again before my 5 year ARM kicks in.

So, we're in the endgame after all. Only other thing I need to do is have my attorney finish up the 401k transfer (EL Skank is only taking 12.5% of the worth of my 401k when of course she'd be entitled to half, so again, I'll give her credit for being fair and honest) and in 2 weeks it'll be closing on the house, and then I'll be done.

Woot. Woot indeed. Long time coming, and who'd have thought back in October '04 with those first few blog entries I'd be happy to have it coming. :) Hell I've got a big grin on my face now just thinking about it.

Still not dead. Just life, y'know?

2006-04-03T14:22:00.000-04:00

So who has time to blog anymore anyway?

I don't even really have the time to reply to the 2 or 3 people who emailed me 2 months ago after my last post, but suffice to say - I did get your mail, I was glad to hear from you, and glad to know that other's lives are also progressing nicely.

As is tradition, I will say, "I really might start blogging more in the near future" before disappearing for another 2 months. But who knows, I might.

I am actually "back in therapy" as things got kinda weird the last few weeks, I just sorta woke up and realized that in some areas (happily, not anger management! heh) I really have slipped back into some of my unhappy habits and depressive states that helped bring about the whole divorce situation to begin with, so I decided to take the initiative and find a more helpful, dynamic CBT therapist and start working on some of these other issues before they get outta hand.

Nutshell version, I'm finding some periods of depression are slowing me down again and stupid stuff is happening - bills piling up, work projects falling behind, home maintenance not getting done, etc. Not exactly life-threatening, but, that's how it's bound to start.

So, yeah, things are actually a lot BETTER than they were a year ago, but I've decided I'm going to have to start working harder at keeping them that way.

All other fronts, things are good or unchanged: The Boy is now potty trained, finally. Divorce STILL isn't final - but will be in 3 more weeks, give or take. I still don't know if I will own my home or have to sell and split it with The Skank, but again - within the week I should have an answer on that one. RHA and I are still dating, well over a year now and all's really well on that front, too. EL Skank and I are still getting along for The Boy's sake and should hopefully continue to do so. Oh, and no, I don't spy on her anymore (nor have I ever had any inclination to spy on anyone else, despite what some folks here warned me about...) as really, who cares?

But, I think this is news (maybe I mentioned this in the January posting, not sure if I knew then or not, but the Other Guy's wife finally left him. heh. I had nothing to do with it (I don't think I did, anyway) and yes, I DO still wonder if even now, maybe I should call her up and let her know just what was going on...maybe she knows, maybe (more likely) she knows about him with SOMEONE but I bet it's not EL Skank....probably he just got caught later with someone else...

Oh well, not my problem, really.

And that's it. Later!

2006? Get the hell out...

2006-01-02T18:51:00.000-05:00

Has it really been over a year...amazing. I wanted to pop in here back around the middle of October, that being the 1 year anniversary of the blog, and throw a post, but I just never got the time.

Incredible when you consider how I blogged 4-5 times a day back in the worst of it all, eh? And now, I haven't posted at all since summer, more or less.

It's just because things are now boring and regular. There's just no drama anymore, no angst, etc.

Oh, I'm still depressed from time to time, the holiday were especially frustrating for Alicia (yeah, RHA's name is Alicia. I think I'm tired of all the fake name crap, and since the blog never did become an issue in my divorce or anything, screw it, I'm done with that...) because I have never much been one for holidays anyway, and this year was a mess.

But, not because I was depressed over my divorce or anything like that. It was just my usual holiday depression and anxiety....but it was difficult for her anyway. We're fine again now though, and I'll be more careful next year.

DIvorce-wise things are still in neutral. All the agreements and stuff are done, though EL (I'll stick with "EL" and "The Boy" for now) hasn't signed hers yet, her lawyer is holding her hostage and refusing to let her sign/notarize the agreement and file it until she pays in full. Nice lawyer, eh? So EL is trying to get me to pay her some money that the agreement says I'll pay her once signed, saying she can't afford to pay her lawyer. I basically said, "Sounds like you're in a catch-22 there eh, EL? I'm not paying you 'till you sign it, because I don't have to pay you 'till then...."

Dunno where that'll lead, but anyway, it's getting close to over...once she signs, it's filed and that's it, we go for the final decree. Also of course at that point I'll start applying for mortgages and financing to see if I'm going to be able to get this house; if I do get my own financing then it's mine, if I don't, we'll have to sell and I have to give her half the profits, so obviously I do NOT want that to happen....I'm hoping like hell I'll get the mortgage...

The Boy came through Christmas just fine, got lots of presents and contiues to be happy and well adjusted thru all this stuff.

The Boy, Alicia and I are going to Disney for vacation next week, that'll be pretty cool...will visit my Dad in Naples, FL while we're down there as well, so that'll be good for The Boy - he hasn't seen my dad and his wife for almost a year now.

I no longer know much about what EL is up to nor do I care. I think that's kinda funny, so many people here used to comment about how "obsessed" I was with her and her stupid escapades, and warned me I'd never get over it, etc, etc....basically I just got tired of giving a shit sometime in February and that was that.

Oh, well, ok now I'll give the lie to that last statement and say that I did notice that the Other Guy's wife seems to have left him....big surprise, eh? I know this not thru any weird freaky spying though, don't worry, just from the fact that I happened to see his wife's picture in the Yahoo! personal ads! LOL! (And no, I wasn't looking for a date, remember, I"ve been dating Alicia now for almost a year, nah, it was just that for some reason 2 months ago Yahoo! started sending me "People in your area that match your profile" or something like that, and there she was...hehe

So, I admit that DID rekindle the "hmm, should I tell her what her scummy husband was up to last year?" debate in my head, but, as always, I'm not gonna worry about it. I guess I stopped giving a shit about that, too. Though, once my divorce is final, I still DO plan to call the Other Guy and just tell him man-to-man how I knew all along the stupid shit he was up to and how I have his life in the palm of my hand. I enjoy the idea of making him sweat a little even now.

But, that's all the drama on that score, and really I don't care. I hadn't thought of any of that for a few months or so 'till I saw his wife's personal ad and it got me thinking again.

On other fronts, work is fine, my relationships are fine, family stuff is all good, and like I said The Boy is still healthy, happy, and adjusting fine to everything. He and Alicia just love each other to death and all that, so it's great.

I did end up getting a roommate - a friend from work - who's a nice quiet guy, gets along OK with everyone, and that helps with the mortgage and bills a bit. He's cool, I actually hope for his sake I DO get my mortgage so I don't have to sell the house out from under him - he's also recently divorced, much more amicably than mine though, no kids/no property in his marriage so really it's just the emotional heartache for him and his ex, none of the material pains in the ass. My house is big enough we don't get in each other's way, and I stay over at ALicia's half the time anyway. He had two friends over for a week (his girlfriend from CA and her friend) and even with all of us here it was no biggie.

(Before anyone says anything odd, his two friends are both nannies (excuse me, the more snooty "au pere" is more appropriate, I guess, but I'm not sure I spell that correctly...heh) for rich snobs out on the west coast, so I considered them "safe" to stay here for a week, and it's not like The Boy is ever home when I'm not...)

So, yeah, life goes on, I'm sometimes surprised at how quickly everything sorta worked itself out. I know - I myself had some skepticism that the Alicia thing wasn't just a "rebound" or that I was in denial about things, or whatever -- but I guess none of that turned out to be true in the end. I guess I did just move on easily once I realized it was going to be the way it was going to be, and that's that.

I hope all of my "regulars" for awhile there, who were all in your own divorces and stuff, are doin' ok as well....sorry I just don't blog anymore, as much as I WANT to, there's always something else around to demand the time I used to spend on blog posts.

A post a month is probably optimistic at this point.

Anyway, hope everyone has a happy healthy and fun 2006!

JD the BH

Ahh, ok....

2005-10-04T10:39:00.000-04:00

I see Blogger added a "verification word" dealie to the comments, that should be fine. So that's what I did. Verify away, commentors!

(I know, I don't have anyone reading this anymore, so, won't be any comments anyway...)

But, "D" if you are still alive and well down there in Katrina land, contact me, willya? I lost all your info!

Still not dead....but freakin' spam...

2005-10-04T10:21:00.000-04:00

Hi all. I'm still not dead, just no drama anymore.

Well, maybe a little, but no time to document it. Mostly all is fine. Divorce SILL not final, but almost. Still no arguments or hassles, just stupid stuff holding it all up. Y'know, like, "Shouldn't it say you'll keep The Boy as sole beneficiary of all your life insurance?" (My answer: "Hello? I don't know about you, but I just might have more children in my future -- so, no. How about we put in that each of us will maintain a 250k policy in his name only?") And, lots of other stupid quibbles like that....substantially we agree.

Still no word, until this agreement is finally signed, on whether or no I will be able to get financing to keep my house.

Life with RHA is just fine. Apparently, my fears of it all being a "rebound" was wrong. SUre, it's less than a year, who really knows, but who EVER really knows? I can only say that after 9 months with RHA I can't really see any reason it all won't just keep going and going and going, happily.

The Boy is doing OK. Had his 3rd birthday a few weeks ago....he's still a freakin' genius, er, except if only we could get the potty training thing under control...

Work rolls along as always. The major problems I was having there are over, though, in fact I'm enjoying being on top of things lately.

And, that's all I have time for.

The REAL reason I had to log into blogger to make this entry and update stuff? The freakin' spambots have found my blog and are driving me nuts. 10-20 comments a day now, all stupid, all bullshit. So I have to figure out if I can disable comments without losing all comments. We'll see. I hate to delete what's there, there has been a lot of useful dialog in those comments. This whole blog, I've downloaded of course, and someday may just put up somewhere else.

In the meantime, though, I'm going to have to disable comments. If anyone wants to contact me, the email address on the blog still works... thebadhusband at yahoo dot com...y'know?

What the !?!?

2005-07-27T08:46:00.000-04:00

Most insane search parameters that have led someone to my page:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-msgr&p=free%20pics%20of%20guy%20lawyers%20fucking%20other%20guys

Yes, that's right, someone did a Yahoo search for "free pics of guy lawyers screwing other guys" and of all the links that came up, they decided to come to my page.

It's a strange, strange world out there.

In other news, hello to Bib and "Everything Nice" and also King Erasmus who's linking to me and hasn't, to my knowledge, ever said hello. :) Neat that new people have found my blog and felt like commenting.

A few new developments but I'm late for work at the moment, just had to share that bizarre search string. More later. :)

I keep telling myself, "It's just a phase...for all of us."

2005-07-22T09:35:00.000-04:00

Well, not such a bright and cheerful "Everything's goin' great!" entry today.

(off the subject, I've been thinking the blogging was an act of therapy that was helping more than I thought it was, so I am going to make a more concerted effort to blog more often...but anyway...)

There have been inklings of this here and there over the last few weeks, but last night, my son started crying into his dinner at about 6:30...it started with him just looking sad, next thing you know it was "I want to go to Mommy's, I want to sleep in my train bed, I want to go to (EL's town name, we'll call it EL-town...) ELtown to sleep tonight!"

Oh boy.

He just wouldn't calm down. For about an hour, on and off, he was crying. Said he wanted to talk to Mommy. Well, EL and I do have an agreement and I actually do my best to hold my end up, so even though I did not think it was a Good Thing, I called her - not home though. Try explaining that to a distraught 2 year old...

Well, long and short of it, he was very upset and kept saying he wanted to be with Mommy. I'd say, "Don't you like being at Daddy's" and of course he'd say yes, but didn't matter, he'd go right back to asking for Mommy's house, etc.

Now, I'm not stupid or naive and so I "take this" on two levels - one, the analytical, observant person who understands some of these dynamics now, looks at it as just a phase that he's going through, and it's nothing personal, and he's 2 (almost 3) years old and can hardly articulate these complex thoughts and feelings he's having, and he's in the middle of a terrible time and we all have to do our best to help him through it, and he'll be OK, and I'll be OK...

And on the other of course, it's hurting me like a motherfucker for two reasons, mainly... #1, I have to say "no" to him that he has to be at Daddy's tonight, because that's the right thing for many reasons, and #2 of course because he's crying for Mommy but he never cries for Daddy when he's with her. (I don't know that, she says he doesn't, and I actually choose to believe that...)

I tell myself all the right things - he's hurting, he's naturally bonded more with Mommy anyway, it's a phase some kids go through even in married happy families, he'll be OK, he forgets about it all once I distract him with something fun and interesting, etc.etc.etc.... but it still sucks.

Now, the EL part of this is, that I do not feel she is helping the situation. On the one hand, I know when I'm around the two of them she's big on saying things like, "You'll have fun with Daddy, and Mommy will see you Wednesday" or wahtever. "You like being at Daddy's house, it's fun, you guys can play" and stuff. I don't really know what she says/does behind my back with him, of course, but I would HOPE she doesn't say anything negative. (more on this in a moment, though.) Yes, because it's in our agreement not to and I could get her in "legal trouble" (theoretically, but good luck proving something liek that, right?) but also because it's the right thing and I actually give her enough credit to think she isn't KNOWINGLY, purposely, trying to make him "love mommy/not want to be with Daddy."

BUT....she's undermining things in her own immature actions. My "nights" are Monday and Tuesday, so those two days I go pick him up at her parent's house (they watch him during the day, and yes, I'm starting to wonder if that's a good idea...) at about 5:30-6pm. For the last few weeks, SHE is ALWAYS THERE when I do. She apparently runs up there after work and gets there about 20 minutes before me, and plays with him and stuff like that.

I'm not thrilled with that, but I don't know that I could really stop it even if I were inclined to. I told her I think it's wrong and I wish she wouldn't, her reply is (getting all angry) "I call him everyday, and I tell him if he wants to see me I'll come visit, and he always does, and I will not say no to my son! I will never deny him if he wants to see me I will be there!" Legalities aside, I ask you - is that realistic? IS that really "good parenting" to never deny your son anything? I don't think so. Yes, I'm baised, but come on....you have to say no sometimes, don't you?

That aside, it's clearly not "fair" to me and The Boy's relationship. Because of course, what this means is when I get there at 5:30, no matter what she SAYS, it LOOKS like "Daddy is taking you away from Mommy now." Right?

Right.

There's more...she makes a big to-do over him and says how much she'll miss him and everything while I'm putting him in the car, etc.

I aksed her nicely last night when this all came to a head in a phone call argument, "Would you at least please make sure to leave before I get there, to avoid that appearance?" She refused, again by saying, "The Boy always asks me to stay and not leave until you get there."

Listen, reading this back this sounds heartless, like I'm saying she has to deny him things and say "no" to him and refuse to spend time with him on my days. Tjhat's not my point, really. Occasionally, it's fine...but this refusal to even imagine saying "no" to him is NOT doing HIM any favors! If she truly wants what's right for him, shouldn't she realize this behavior is hurting and confusing him more?

Yes, I could "retaliate" by starting to show up there myself on "her days" - and if I did, she's really fucked because I have a very flexible schedule at work, it would be damned easy for me to leave every day at 4, spend some time at his Pappy's house with him until she gets there, reverse this situation, and then go back to work to make up the time. I could also - adn this I might start doing - leave work early on Monday/Tuesday to pick him up before she gets there and make up the time later int he week. I may have to start doing that.

But I'm digressing - I don't WANT to "retaliate" because that's not going to help The Boy OR the two of us deal with this.

I think - and this isn't purely an original though, RHA has speculated thusly - that the real problem is that SHE can't bear to be away from him, SHE needs to be with someone who loves and needs her unconditionally, and that's why she keeps playing this "he needs his Mommy more than his Daddy" card at me.

Did I blog in here last week when she had me all pissed off that she essentially (not that she'd see it this way) tried to "bribe" or "buy me off" of my son? She did. She said if I'd give her more time with him, she'd "cut me a break" on the child support. Yep, that's right!

She tried to say, in fact, "I think you should have him during the day at your house on your weekends, but he should sleep at mine." She doesn't see how stuff like that would make it worse, not better....

But anyway, yeah, she tried to claim if I would do that, she's ask for less child support. Which is ass-backwards, anyway!

Needless to say I refused. I love my son and I have to do everything I can to build our relationship in spite of her actions and I won't budge on this.

The property agreement isn't signed yet, so I hate to antagonize her, but quite honestly if it came down to it and she flipped out and reneged on the whole agreement and decided to go after my stocks, my 401k, etc.etc.... I would still not back down. There's no amount of money I'd trade for less than 50% of the time with my son, and my stocks/401k are nothing to get excited about financially anyway... (Unless maybe Deutsche Telekom really DOES sell off T-Mobile USA, in which case my options might surge...heh)

So...anyway. This has me upset. I don't want to get all "lawyer" on her, but it happens I have a meeting on Monday with mine about the property stuff, so I will ask a few questions. I think I'm screwed to a point - as long as he's going to day care at his grandparents (her parents) I'm sure I don't have a leg to stand on demanding that she not be there.

I'm too broke to put him in day care those days, though I'm just about upset enough to swallow my pride and ask my Dad and his wife if maybe they'd be willing to pay for 2 days of day care a week so on Monday/Tuesday I could drop him off at the daycare center that's 1 block away from my office....

She said some pretty annoying stuff last night, but I did my best to refuse to argue or get angry....which of course really got her pissed off and to the point where she eventually hung up on me. I don't even get phased by that anymore - never did really, but definitely not now. But anyway, she got under my skin with one comment: "Maybe you need to spend more time with him when you're with him." I was like, "Did you hear waht you just said?" She replied, "You knwo what I mean, you should be playing with him instead of fucking around on your computer..." Now, she hasn't lived here for 6 months, what the hell is she talking about?

I think my blog audience can attest to the fact I hardly use the computer at all anymore, and not when he's here that's for sure. But yeah, that one pissed me off - because it shows what she THINKS goes on here and therefore I think shows what in her little mind is the problem - she thinks the reason he wants to be with Mommy all the time isn't because of the crap SHE'S doing to spoil him and undermine me, but because he and I don't have fun or play or something.

Whatever....she's completely wrong ofcourse, but I won't deny that pissed me off. I felt like saying, "What about all the time you spend in chatrooms when he's at your house and it's before 8pm, who's he playing with then?" But yeah, I'm not gonna sink to her level....she also said he said Daddy doesn't read to him anymore which is silly - RHA and I had read him 2 stories that very night before he fell asleep in fact. And as I think I blogged before, after reading a story or two at bedtime, then I tell him a story based on what he wants to hear about (last night he wanted a story about a biplane and the control tower at the airport...) AND then he tells ME a story. (Which usually sounds a lot like the one I told, or else a lot like what he and I did that day, but still, it's a story he's telling from his own imagination...)

OK I'm getting defensive here and laundry-listing all the good things we do together....I guess to make myself remember that she's full of shit and has no clue what's going on here. None.

I just wish she'd wise up and realize that this over-smothering him with Mommy all the time isn't going to help the situation.

I'd much rather her back off on "my days" than the opposite, which is for me to start over-smothering him myself on "her days." That is a stupid war and one I probably can't win and would hurt my son to no end to get involved in.

Oh, and one last thing....last night as he was bawling and saying things it was hard to make out, I think he said something like "Daddy's house sucks." I said, "What about Daddy's house?" HE said it again, clearer - "Daddy's house sucks." I said, "Who says that?" and his reply, of course, was "Mommy did. Mommy says Daddy's house sucks."

Now, I ask you, would a not-quite-3 year old be able to come up with that on his own, while in a highly emotional state? I don't think so. I'm not saying she actually said that to HIM, maybe she just said it while he was in the room to someone, I don't know....but I'm not happy.

She denied it of course, completely. But I'm sure he's not making that up.

Oh, he also said in a very odd way, when I puicked him up yesterday as she was putting him in the car, "I'm going to ask Daddy if I can go home with Mommy." But he never actually ASKED me, he just kept saying that to HER. My gut feeling is that she coached him to say that, like, "If you want to come with Mommy, you'll have to ask Daddy yourself if you can come home, you can ask him when he gets here."

Maybe that's not fair and just in my mind. He IS very smart and articulate and I could see him coming up with that one purely on his own, in a contemplative state.

But "Mommy says Daddy's house sucks" when he's completely emotional and crying and all that -- no. That was pure EL that time.

Ugh.

Sure has been quiet around here...

2005-07-08T00:14:00.000-04:00

Been awhile, eh?

I wonder, any of the old "regular readers" still out there? I sometimes wonder what's happening in your lives...we heard a lot about each other. SH, Mac, Barbara, NZ, "D", etc...I know, I have some of your Email addresses, but, never write or anything.

So....it'd be lame to say, "Not much is going on, not much to write about." A life is by nature full of events. I just don't have the urge anymore to run and blog all the shit that happens.

The divorce shit, has subsided. Life goes on. Funny how I knew someday I'd be saying that even as I also "knew" I'd never really believe it. Turns out "they" were right - it gets better, and I'm happier and better off.

Still not a lot of resolution - divorce still not final, property agreement still a hassle, but not because of any drama or fighting over anything, just, lawyers trying to earn their fees or something...dragging it out, quibbling over details, demanding re-writes.... Sara, 'fess up, you guys do that on purpose don't ya? :)

But...work is better lately. I'm on top of things again. Still not perfect, but my output is nearly normal, I'm on top of my project, and I'm able to feel that, even though I can't see it like when I was training a class of 30 people...there are 3000 people (and the 150,000 customers a day they speak to) who learned everything they know about their job from my curriculum. I had a hard time adjusting to not being able to see the results of my work, but there is enough empirical proof now that what I've done over the last few months has made a positive difference. "Quality" is up, "Call Time" is down. "Customer Satisfaction" of the reps who work what I write is way up. So that helps.

Family life is good...The Boy is doing really well, still haven't gotten that potty training thing down but otherwise, this kid is amazing. All parents say this, I know, but really - he's a genius. More articulate than the 3 and 4 year olds he plays with at the playground. Knows the difference between a P51 Mustang and a P47 Thunderbolt just by looking. :) Can tell you the names of about 20 parts of a steam locomotive? Knows the difference between an African and a European swallow? Can sing most of the song, "Nighttrain" by Guns'n'Roses without prompting?

Every night, I tell him a bedtime story, and he tells me one. Often his stories bear a suspicious resemblance to the events of the day ("Once upon a time, Daddy and The Boy went to Wal-Mart to buy crackers. They drove the Red Race Car. There was a dog in the park. The end.") but still, he works in some imagination now and then, like when we rode an airship to his pappy's house to catch rabbits...

So yeah, The Boy is great. I'm good. RHA is still my girlfriend, 6 months now. Are we past the "rebound" stage yet? Does it qualify as real love now and not "just the first person you dated seriously since you seperated"? I hope so, 'cuz, it sure doesn't show any signs of stopping...just gets better and better.

Medication seems to be on the level now, by the way - to recap:

20 mg Prozac - didn't seem to notice.
30 mg Prozac - might've been helping, not sure.
40 mg Prozac - seemed like things were OK, but, weird side effects creeping in.
150 mg Wellbutrin - had high hopes, but, didn't notice anything good, and definitely realized Prozac had been helping more than I knew, 'cuz stuff started to pile up again.
300 mg Wellbutrin - definitely a lot worse. Felt wired, bitchy, closest I've ever come to wanting to "break shit" again. Never did, by the way - but a few times, felt like having a shouting outburst or throwing a wrench. Counted to 10 instead.
Nothing - for 5 weeks, I "dried out" to see what would happen. Result - back to the same 'ol blah-depression of the last few years. Nothing like the anxiety, pain, etc. of the October-November, but just the plain 'ol "fuck it" mentality that helped get me into the divorce in the frist place. Bills piled up, house got messy, work got shitty.
(Last few blog entries were from that time....)
50 mg Zoloft - things started easing up again, slowly got a handle on stuff.
100 mh Zoloft - present day. Been on this now for about a week and a half, so not sure yet how it might improve over the 50, but, feel about the same as the Prozac. Slight odd side effects - the ones that RHA doesn't complain about, again. Could be worse!

Health-wise...not losing weight anymore, still sitting at the "lost 60lbs" mark. That sounds great - and yeah, I guess it is - but I really do have at least 30-40 more to lose...and not to hit my "ideal" weight, either, but to hit a weight I feel should be right for me but is still about 15 lbs over the "ideal" weight I get by the various charts, etc. But...not gaining any either, still eating better than I was, but not as good I as did for awhile there. Bad habits and bad foods crept back in, and portions sizes are up. But still, no fast food (pizza, chinese, and turkey subs with no cheese or mayo don't count!!) since October, so, yeah, better.

So...yeah. All in all, things're good. Sorry I don't blog it much anymore. I keep saying, "Yeah, I gotta start doing that again..." and maybe I will this time. Now that everything else is sorta coming together again I may give it a try. I did enjoy being able to SEE my progress through things via the blog, and I'm a little bit bummed I left a 4 month "hole" here now where I can't really see any changes.

If I'd been blogging all along, might have helped figure out the medication issues better, sooner, if nothing else.

So, there you go. An update. Check in, if you're an old "regular" commentor, let the rest of us know how you're doin'.

JD the BH

Peak Oil is Now....

2005-05-30T03:06:00.000-04:00

As I've been saying for a few years now, and even mentioned on this blog a time or two...

It's here.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1894&e=3&u=/ap/20050529/ap_on_bi_ge/oil_gone

There is no point in denying this like some people insist on doing with global warming and other "doomsday" topics, because they are eternal optimists or self-decepting pollyannas.

The only thing to debate is if it's the end of the world, or just a turning point for humanity.

My bet is on the former, but hey, anything's possible, maybe we WILL discover cold (or any other feasible) fusion yet.

I really do think America's only hope really is to turn energy independance into the next Apollo project. Maybe now that the general public will start to become aware of the reality of peak oil, that can happen.

Call your congresspeople. Well, call your neighbors first and explain it to them.

mine...Mine...MINE!

2005-05-27T16:39:00.000-04:00

Woot.

As of 4:39pm, 5/27/05, the last payment has been made...

Yeah, ok, I know 'till I get the title in the mail, it may not really be official, but the money's outta my bank account so that's good enough for me. :)

Still only has 26000 miles on it. Probably nobody will BELIEVE me when I try to sell it, I'll be accused of odometer shenanigans.

For the motorhead crowd, that's 2000 GT 'vert with the following mods:

Kenny Brown subframes w/seat braces
Steeda Tri-ax shifter
Bassani (legal) X-pipe
Bassani catback exhaust w/resonators removed
3.73 ring & pinion set
Nitto 555 Drag Radials
K&N, silencer removed, homemade CAI ducting to filter housing.

Nothing major, to be sure, but fun enough. Squeaked out a 14.0 @ 99.7 as it's best run, certainly nothing impressive there either but not bad for a big fat 'vert with a novice driver on street legal tires...

Anyway, the score:

Ford Credit: 0
TheBadHusband: 1

:)

Hmm. So, I did get SOME ironic impact on my anniversary...

2005-05-20T19:32:00.000-04:00

That was fast. Child support hearing was just back on 5/11, and I got the order already.

Could have been worse. I'm losing about...hmm....15% off the net takehome of my biweekly check.

-shrug-

Happy Anniversary. LOL.

I can afford it, so I'm not really bitching. I DO worry what will happen when (I don't say "if" anymore) I lose my job, though. I am really burnt out there, not really performing for shit, taking 4x longer to get things done than is proper, and I just can't summon the energy to care. All in all a bad combination.

I can afford 15% off my takehome right now, but if my takehome drops to half what it is now, I'll be living in a fuckin' cardboard box.

Not sure if I ever explained this, but while I have a pretty well paying job, I'm a self-made person, worked up from the $10/hour level. When this job tanks, I'm not going to get another one that pays this. I have no degree in what I do. Experience counts, but not enough to get me even 70% of what I'm earning now. This could get ugly.

Does it cut both ways, I wonder, though....if EL Skanke loses/quits her job, she doesn't get to cry poor and get more support, does she? Have to ask that. Doesn't seem fair, if so.

OK well enough bitching. This also was funny, a friend sent me our Capricorn horoscope for the day - not that I put anything in THAT, but it's amusting anyway - and there was something in there about it being a good day to sign a contract, and also, "It's a great day to get married!"

(When I see shit like that, I figure, the horoscope writer has a friend getting married today...)

Anyway, made my deadline at work at least. Took an all-nighter to do it, but, it's done. Got decent reviews in walkthrough, too. So it ain't all bad.

Interesting milestone. And some ramble...ok, a lotta ramble...

2005-05-20T07:01:00.000-04:00

Don't misunderstand...my posting this might seem like it bugs me, or I protest it doesn't bug me but subconciously it does, but...really...as far as I can tell on any level, it doesn't, but it IS an interesting milestone...

This woulda been my 5th wedding anniversary. :) Well actually it still is, as we're not divorced yet, but, might as well be.

I was kinda hoping the property agreement at least would have been done this week so I could have gone in and signed that today, but, her lawyer sucks too bad and hasn't gotten the simplest little revision done and to mine yet.

Another funny moment was last week in the courthouse for the child support conference - maybe I already blogged this I don't recall - but at one point EL made a comment about the construction going on at the courthouse, and both attorneys were like, "Oh yeah, it's really annoying, but only if you come here as often as we do."

To which I made some offhand comment about, yeah, let's HOPE the average person doesn't spend a lot of time there. (It's the county government center, county jail, etc. all rolled into one. Not a place you wanna have to be at a lot, y'know?)

Well on the way out, it occurred to me - the LAST time I was there, was the day El Skank and I got our marriage license. :)

And, I ALSO got my CCW permit at the same time. I always thought that was a little amusing, y'know, that I got the paper giving us the marriage permit and the permit to carry a handgun at the same time.

It didn't occur to me 'till later that week that - ooops! - that meant that my CCW Permit had expired. Funny thing, it was almost 5 years to the day - permit expired on 5/12 and the conference was on 5/11...meaning I musta got the permit/marriage license on 5/11/00.

Funny thing, life, eh?

Anyway, scary thing was I didn't check that 'till 5/13, meaning I'd been illegally carrying for 3 days. PROBABLY a cop would've given me the benefit of the doubt if I'd been pulled over or something, 'cuz I would have just handed over the permit without even thinking about it, and only AFTER the cop noticed (if he even did) it was expired would I realize I probably could have just said nothing and been fine. But you don't mess around with cops and CCW, if ya get pulled over carrying, you damn well hand that permit over and tell the cop you're packing... Not that I get pulled over often, twice in the 10 years I've had the CCW I think.

Wish I'd thought of it at the time, I'd have stopped down to the Sherriff's office and renewed the CCW while I was there for the support conference.

That woulda been some weird bookend-closure, eh? Only thing that would have been better, like I said, is if today woulda been the day we'd have signed the property agreement.

It may yet be the day RHA gets -her- divorce decree int he mail, she's been expecting it for like a month. At least that would have a tiny bit of amusing irony to it. :)

More amusing developments w/El Skank this week, but I'll have to blog it later. Suffice to say she freaked out because she found out I was emailing The Other Guy from a fake email account, messing with his mind. Dunno if I'd ever blogged that either, that was a few months ago, hadn't even botheredin the last 2 months but the whole "did you still want to try counselling?" conversation had popped it back into the front of my thought processes, so I'd renewed my mindfuck on him earlier this week. Sent an email to the address he pretends is his wife's but that he actually checks all the time. So I knew I was actually sending it to HIM, but I wrote, "Hey, OGWife, you don't know me, and this isn't a joke or anything, we need to talk about something important...can you email me back so I know you are really OG's Wife, before I get into details?" LOL. I KNEW he would read it, and he'd freak thinking I was finally going to rat him out. :)

BUT...He freaked, went to EL, threatened her job, scared her, and ironically, ALSO offered her money if she'd talk to me, and offered ME money (that is, told her to tell me he'd give me money) to leave it alone, etc. Bizarre, eh?

And if I'm not mistaken, that's gotta be illegal, isn't it? Soliciting to bribe like that? Or between private individuals is that not a crime? (Sara? 'lil pro bono here?? :) )

So anyway, poor thing, I actually pitied her...he had her all freaked out, and she called me threatening to "call it all off and go after everything, JD, unless you sign a nondisclosure agreement!" (yeah right) But funny thing was, I calmed her down by explaining I never had any intention (I really don't, anymore) of telling his wife but I KNEW he'd read that email, and that she needed to realize if she'd broken off the affair, and he was threatening her job (thru work email again, of course, what a moron...) then SHE could get HIM fired in a heartbeat, have him on civil charges, the whole deal. By the end of the convo, it was funny, I had her totally plotting to fuck him over worse than I ever would have.

What a jerk. Really.

Oh, and he told her that he and his wife were planning to start a family. Ugh. I really think she SHOULD tell his wife, but obviously, I'm layin' low again and not stirring up that pot anymore. Once the agreement is signed, though, I think I will call the fucker up and spell it out for him...tell his wife, or I will, and try to get him to put his offer of "hush money" in written/email form, and then explain the facts of life to him - tell his wife, leave EL Skank alone, or I'd blow it all outta the water - the harrassment at work, the affair to his wife, and the bribery to the police. (again, if that' seven illegal, I gotta ask my lawyer next session we have.)

Hmm did I say I'd blog about it later? That's pretty much it. I'm in a hurry and probably rambling/more disjointed than normal, so may think of more details to add later.

Suffice it to say, it wasn't worth riling up EL Skank about it all, so I just got her to realize I was actually on her side where fucking with OG's life was concerned....was kinda funny, she admitted some pretty stupid things to me that she shouldn't have.

Saddest thing of all, most telling of her self esteem point of view, and I don't think she even realized when she said this what she was REALLY saying, but when I told her that I knew someother people he dated, and mentioned them by name (remember, RHA's close friend worked there with EL and OG at the same place) she said, "Yeah, that sounds like his type, fat and ugly...." and she laughed, and said, "he's such a loser, that's what he goes after."

Yeah, EL. Whatever you say.

I MUST be making some nice mental progress, because I didn't even point out the obvious about that statement, just let it roll by.

Poor, stupid EL. NOW do you all still think I'm just a smug bastard for having pity and contempt for her? Yeah, she might have a problem with my "superior attitude" at times, but the fact is in this case, that I think my feelings of condescending pity towards here are valid.

Blah, I'm really rambling. Should point out I've been up on an all-nighter at work here, publishing deadline is at 3PM EST...6 1/2 hours from now. I've been here since 11am Thursday, it's 7:30AM Friday now. :) Good thing I rarely drink coffee, 'cuz that means it works for me when I need it to.

Plus, it helps to be on Concerta for the ADD, 'cuz I don't take it on weekends, which means I always have a few extra doses to use on days/nights like this. :)

(Concerta = time released Ritalin. Perfect stay-awake drug really...low impact, low dose slowly released over 8 hours, just enough to keep you from wanting to sleep, but not enough to make ya all speedy. Any rambling in this post is caused by fatigue, not speed. :) )

So, ok, off to finish my documents. Happy Friday, all...

Yeah, right...

2005-05-17T10:14:00.000-04:00

If I'd not been so surprised by the comment, I would have been MUCH crueler about it. Maybe that's just as well.

But anyway - so The Skank calls me yesterday, on some pretense or other, I think something like asking how our son was doing - even tho he was spending his first night with me in like 4 days, I might add - and in the middle of the conversation apropros of nothing says, "So, were you still interested in marriage counseling?"

My reply was a stunned, "What....are you kidding?"

Skank: "No."

Me: "No, sorry, that's over."

Skank: "Oh, good."

And that was it.

WTF? You have to be kidding. I guess it's another sign she's realized how badly she fucked up, but I can't possibly consider it now. The train has left the station. After what I have seen her do, what I know about her, and how she is.....I could never even consider TRYING again.

Once again, I congratulate myself on spying on her. Sorry I know that annoys some people, but again, had I not known what I know - I'd probably have jumped at it. Thrown away any mental progress I've made, my developing relationship with RHA, my self-esteem, and tried to "reconcile" and never known even one tenth of what a terrible, duplitious, dirty, downright crazy and truly slutty whore The Skank really was. Ewww.

You MIGHT say, "But wouldn't you and The Boy have been better off not knowing, if it meant you could reconcile and have a nice life together, getting past all this and living better because of it?"

Yeah. You might say that. And you might think it's a good idea for a person to go through life deluded as to what kind of a person they are really attached to. No thanks. I know what I know and I'm happy.

So anyway - yeah. If I'd known that was coming, I think I might have been a bit crueler about it. Something more like, "Oh, now that you've been thrown away by your one night stands, and you realize how pathetic your life will be from here on out, and see you made a mistake in crushing my emotions, self-esteem and telling me I was a horrible abuser and violent maniac - NOW that you decide it's in your best interests to stay with me, you want me to forgive and forget and let you back into my life so you can do it all again someday? And maybe give me chlamydia or HPV or something worse in the bargain? No thanks....good luck with the married guy and the one-night stands you meet on the Internet, and when you look at yourself in the mirror, remember that 6 months ago I was willing to put up with being the cuckold for the sake of saving our family, but YOU were saying things like, "Anything that makes me this happy, can't be wrong." Sorry. "

Yeah, something like that. Or maybe not. All in all I guess i'm happier with myself I handled it with more class, even though it was out of surprise. For the best I suppose.

Hmm, ok, quickie...

2005-05-09T17:20:00.000-04:00

I just re-read that post from April 17th, which was the one where when I tried to publish, I realized - the blog was broken. Noticed a couple things that need new commenting on...so...

To update-the-update:

RHA and I are still going strong. It's amazing. Sure, it COULD still be a "rebound" but it's over 3 months now and really doesn't seem like it. Just keeps getting better, to the point I'm pretty sure once I own my house my only intention will be to clean it up, fix the lawn, and flip it over for a profit and move in with her. I mean, I'll have plenty of nest-egg savings in case of tragedy down the road, never be a problem to rent an apartment on the spur of the moment should things not work out, but that's just pragmatism talking - I'm sure it WILL work out.

And, Wellbutrin didn't work. I'm on no drugs now, and, I find myself a little bitchier, edgier, etc.

So, I guess the Prozac WAS working. I wasn't thrilled with the side effects but now on looking back over the last 6 months.....it was having an effect. The exact sort of nebulous, "is it or isn't it making a difference?" kind of effect it is SUPPOSED to have. To wit: I was feeling just overall a bit more on-track, emotionally balanced, and reasonable. So...while I'll go ahead and let the Wellbutrin continue to purge outta my system and stay off the Prozac 'till next months' appointment with the shrink, I think I'm gonna ask to try it again, staying down at the 30mg level.

I DID have an annoying side effect or two, but overall, they were just annoying. RHA didn't mind them a bit, as the main one was a complete inability to...

...no, not inability to get it up...LOL....she (and I!) would definitely have minded THAT! Nope, just shows I'm a contrary man who always does the opposite...as, regardless of the usual "sexual side effect" of Prozac - impotence - my problem was a complete inability to...

...um, friends, family, and assorted red headed goddesses might wish to skip a paragraph or two...

...anyway, complete inability to have an orgasm even after 2 hours of constant, um, trying... Which as you might imagine gets a little frustrating.

Not that I (or RHA!) would have traded that for the opposite problem, but, nonetheless I have a new perspective as to why some of you women want to fake it after awhile just to get it the hell over with. :)

On the other hand, QUITE the calorie burner.

Unfortunately weight loss has levelled out. Need to exercise more and eat better. I let that slide a bit, things almost going TOO well so I had no more angst to see me thru the hunger pangs. :) I'm NOT gaining any weight back, but, not losing anymore either.

Work is the only problem. Not goin' so hot really. :( Long story update on that later.

The Boy is doing fine. Really fine. Now if we could just get that potty training thing down pat...

Wow. The 'blog is back/fixed... Bet you thought I was gone for good, eh?

2005-05-09T17:06:00.000-04:00

Well, what do you know.

I really don't have time to update, but, the blog was totally fucking hosed-blown for the last month or so.

I could write posts, and hit publish, and they'd kinda/sorta save...but I couldn't republish the index, so, nothing ever updated.

I kept getting the ever-so-helpful error, "There were errors. Contact Blogger support."

Which I would do, only to receive the form letter back saying, "Sorry, we can't read all Emails, so here are some self-help references..."

Dude. I WRITE curriculum to train technical support people. I think I know how to read a known issues list before I complain. I think I know how to do my own homework, etc...

So anyway, I emailed them 2 or 3 times, never got anything but the form response.

Finally today, on a break, I decided to take the shotgun approach. I changed almost every blog setting, and voila...now I can publish.

I dunno if it was the template, or the # of posts on the main page, or the quick links, or the edit link, or the header, or the little hit counter, or what the hell the problem was, but it appears to be fixed.

Scroll down, you can read a post I tried to put up like a month ago. :)

I do NOT have time to update now, suffice to say all is mainly well. But now that it's working again, I'll try to pop in an update tonight.

Divorce very close to final. I'm betting the property settlement will be signed/notarized any day now. Irony might be if it's done on 5/20, as that is (I'd say 'would have been" but technically we're still married) our 5th anniversary. LOL.

To address the main points that always seemed of interest: Skank is still skankin' as far as I know. I really don't bother spying at all anymore, which is one reason the blog got so boring... Oh, and I haven't told the guy's wife anything yet, either.

OK other updates will have to wait 'till later.

But, as you see, I ain't dead.

So what's new...

2005-04-17T00:58:00.000-04:00

Well, life goes on. Obviously, I've mellowed to the point where a daily blog/rant isn't needed anymore.

Occasional stupid shit still happens with EL, but I don't really get bent about it anymore. Just don't care.

She's messed up, of course, but I've finally accepted that it's just....Not. My. Problem.

I maintain again - if I'd not spied on her as I did, as much as I did, I might actually be stupid enough now to get back with her. Not that she's asked, luckily (since I don't want to turn her down, and piss her off at me) for me. She DID make that weird apology overture a couple weeks back, but it wasn't repeated.

Although, last week we had this chat were she was saying we shouldn't just pick up/drop off The Boy at each other's house or her parents', but instead should meet on weekends doing some sort of "family thing" w/the 3 of us, and then he'd go home with the other parent.

Yeah, I'm niave, I was like "ok whatever" just wanting things to be smooth. It took other people pointing it out to me to make me realize that was probably her way of wanting to get some time in front of me, either to mess with my head, or, to try and "get back together."

Which ain't happening.

I don't do even the most minimal spying on her anymore by the way. It finally wore off, but, as I've said before - it also makes the blog a lot less interesting and that's probably why nobody reads/comments anymore. :)

I just got back from a weeklong bix trip out west, it was nice to be home, The Boy was glad to see me and I was glad to see him, we had a fun day today...

Cleaning my house continues apace...several rooms now spotless, waiting for me to rent a carpet shampooer.

Roommate situation all fell flat, no takers, but I'm managing and next month my car is paid off which is another $300/mo for me, that will make the difference.

Legally, we're down to the fine print - the property agreement was done, but there were some wording difficulties and she'd neglected to list my stocks/options (though she DID list HERs!) as an itemized list, so, we sent that back. I don't anticipate any problems though so as soon as that paper comes back and is signed, as far as I'm concerned, it's over.

The custody stipulation is signed and notarized. Basically, it's 50/50 physical and legal custody, with all the standard boilerplate. Other than Christmas, his birthday, and Mother's Day/Fathers's Day, we didn't bother listing any particular details beyond, "JD gets him M/T nights, EL W/Th/Fr nights, and we alternate weekends." So, many thanks to, I forget who (the fathers' rights advocate?) gave me that suggestion.

Once that property agreement is signed, I'd be free to finally tell the other guy's wife, or her family, or otherwise fuck up her world...but...LOL, as I expected, I just don't give a shit anymore. I still think the poor OG's wife should know, but, I doubt I'll tell her now, 'cuz I just don't care.

Also, the stupid twit EL has put in the property agreement the standard boilerplate, "both parties have already divided material posessions to their mutual satisfaction."

Except, we haven't. ALL her goddamn shit is still in the house, with the exception of the furniture she took, and the clothes I bagged up and dropped on her...all her knicknacky crap, wall stuff like pics/framed prints/posters....tons of kitchenware/silverware/cooking supplies/tablewear, garage full of stuff...etc. All still here. I've asked her THREE TIMES to come take what she wants, or at least, make a list of what she wants to take at a later date, and she hasn't.

So, fuck her, once that paper's signed, what I want (Disney knick-nacks, Xmas ornaments, etc.) I'm keeping, and the rest is going on the curb...I guess I'll have my lawyer send her a letter with an ultimatum date, "pick up by XXX or it'll be given to charity/garbage." I want this shit outta my place...

RHA says it shows EL is still in denial about everything....I think she's just lazy/doesn't care...but either way, I want it gone.

Changed medications - the Prozac never seemed to do shit, and, had annoying side effects (though, not the usual "sexual side effects" I'm glad to say... ;) ) so I made my doc drop that and put me on Wellbutrin, which helps ADD as well as appetite and antidepressant. Seems to be making a difference that I like....and all the side effects are quite beneficial, actually.....

The Boy continues to be fine, none of this has made much impression on him, so that's good.

I think that's it. Oh, the RHA thing is still fine and dandy. :)

In the words of Granny Weatherwax, "I ain't dead."

2005-04-06T00:44:00.000-04:00

Really, I'm not.

Busy? Yeah.

Bored? Yeah.

Nothing much to talk about? Yeah.

That's about it really...sure, stuff is going on, not all good/not all bad, but I just haven't had time to update anymore. Work is hell, deadlines and I'm behind and still struggling to keep my head above water there.

Personal life is fine. RHA and I are still a couple, stronger than ever.

EL is still a ridiculous skank and I don't even bother anymore. See, you all said "get over it" but now that I did, there's nothing left to read about! Now that I've got zero interest in spying on her, or even giving two shits what she's up to or doing with her life, nothing much interesting to write about. :)

Legally stuff is fine. Property agreement and custody stipulation are with my attorney now, the drafts were basically OK with me, I have a few minor details I'd like to work out with EL Skank and get changed by my attorney, but I'm betting both will be signed before May 1st.

I'm away on biz next week, going to Colorado, which actually MIGHT mean I'll have a bit more time to update.

Basically, I"m busy as hell with work, trying to clean up my house, juggle a new girlfriend and The Boy and legal and medical and therapy appointments, and I've even got a hobby at the moment that doesn't involve computers...much. Eventually I'll post about that when I've something to show for it.

So, that's about it. All is basically OK, just no time to update and nothing much to talk about anymore. Once the paperwork is signed, this blog will be locked down and all updates will be on the new one, which is still out there, and which I'll email those of you who'd asked to be emailed the address once I'm up and running on it.

Hopefully I'll get a few mroe updates in here before then, but no promises. It's that busy/boring being me right now! :)

JD the BH

OK, ok, an entry...

2005-03-17T09:45:00.000-05:00

OK, well, just to make Nicky happy… Here’s an entry.

It really has been awhile hasn’t it? All I can say is, life is busy but boring.

No drama to speak of in the world of divorce. EL still insane, of course, but I’ve come even further in accepting it.

As I wrote when I got all defensive about it, the spying/snooping is, interestingly, the thing that’s finally made me decide I don’t NEED to spy/snoop anymore.

As in – what else is there to learn? I’m vindicated. I feel fine. I know that, despite my damaging our marriage, taking her for granted, and being guilty of a bad temper, depression, and some emotional neglect, that I tried to save my marriage when I realized what was wrong. She’d already made up her mind, to me, based on some stupid assumptions, some immaturity, and the fog/confusion of the affair.

But none of THAT is my fault. Screwing up the marriage, half my fault. Giving up on it, not my fault. Spying on her showed me she’s nuts, truly insane, and quite honestly, just a dirty, dirty person.

Amusingly, and I don’t consider this spying because she SENT it (apparently forgetting I’m in her address book – or trying to “dig” at me maybe...) directly to me, she sent out one of those stupid chain letters of 30 questions, “Get to know your friends” in which #13 was:

> 13. What characteristic do you despise? lying, anyone who feels they
>have to cover the things they've done up

OK, yeah. A married woman has an affair with a married man...and a month later says what she despises most is people who lie to cover up things they've done?

So, anyway…this is a person who’s head is so far up their ass in denial they actually have the balls (figuratively speaking) to write something like that?

It’s not the first time either, when I WAS still doing some hefty-duty spying, her one online personal ad said the quality she admired most in people was “honesty” and at some other point she said something like, “I’m looking for total honesty and openness in a relationship.”

Insanity. Not. My. Problem.

So, ok, as far as drama goes that’s about it. Her mother is still meddling in our divorce – for those of you who’ve been thru the process you know this, those that haven’t:

When she filed, the claim was like this 40-point legal document with all types of standard boilerplate legalese in it. I remember commenting on it in here, #36 was something along the lines of, “Plaintiff (EL) petitions for primary custody of child. Plaintiff feels she is the better parent and has been more involved in the child’s life.” (paraphrasing, you get the idea.)

I didn’t freak out, I just asked my lawyer if that was a serious thing or just standard opening-gambit legal crap. She said that’s all it was and she had the standard counter-claim boilerplate response. When she prepared my counter-claim that’s exactly what it said, something like, “RE: Item 36 – Defendant petitions for primary custody of child, feels he is the better parent and better able to provide for the welfare of child.” (again paraphrased)

So, what happened? EL’s mother opened the claim when it came to her house (that’s where EL’s been getting her legal mail sent I guess) and FLIPPED OUT. Called EL at work, raised all kinds of hell, swore I was trying to “Steal The Boy! Stop him EL! I knew he couldn’t be trusted! How DARE he! EL you need to stop him right now!!!!”

EL called ME at work, all freakin’ up in my face. I let her scream and yell a bit, then I said, “EL, do you remember your initial claim? That it said right in there that you wanted primary custody? Right? Did I freak out? No. It’s legal crap. We’ve ALREADY STIPULATED OUR AGREEMENT, remember? The lawyers are drawing it up now, we cancelled our custody court date because we’re just stipulating an agreement. Go home and read that document and compare it to yours.”

She calmed down and I think it actually started to get thru to her a little bit that her mother is really going to fuck all this up if she doesn’t BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Otherwise all is well. We DID stipulate a perfectly reasonable agreement for custody as I think I’ve already commented here – almost nothing is really in writing, actually. Only that it’s joint physical AND joint legal custody, though I concede that she can have him 3 days a week to my 2, and we alternate weekends. We didn’t put any other limitations in other than first right of refusal for babysitting if the other parent has The Boy but is going out; that he wakes up at a different house each Christmas morning; and that’s about it. Easy and amicable.

RHA and I are still just an amazing couple! Things just get better and better.

Last night, finally went to the gym for the first time. I only joined like a month ago, about time, eh? But that was nice, the ice was broken, so now I’m primed to go at least 2-3 times a week.

I’ve discovered a new hobby that is keeping me busy lately: I’ve always had this idea to make a computer case out of an old floor-standing wooden cabinet radio from the 1920’s, so I bought a few things on Ebay to satisfy that geekish desire. I’ll post some pics as soon as I get the chance to do so.

AND, I just got a FREE Yamaha SX650 motorcycle, too. Doesn’t run of course, but just a minor ignition problem – fuel and compression are fine, just no spark. And the guy has an entire set of spare parts from a 2nd bike as well, everything except the frame/gas tank.

Holy shit, eh?

Courtesy of http://www.freecycle.org I suggest you join TODAY! Even my crappy little town in PA has a group of about 400 members. The larger towns 10 minutes away have about 3000 members each!

Gave away some of The Boy’s old baby furniture that way, too.

So…that’s kinda where I stand. Not a lot going on, not much to post about. Busy with life, work, The Boy, and RHA.

Later!

Wall Street Takes Notice...

2005-03-15T17:03:00.001-05:00

I know, no entries lately. 'cuz everything is fine. :)

Of course, the world is fucked:

Running On Empty

The leading energy analysts who foretold Enron's demise have an alarming new claim: The world's major oil companies are almost tapped out.

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2005/03/15/herold/index.html

Yeah, that's right, I'm on that Peak Oil topic again. Face it. China and India aren't even anywhere NEAR where they are going to be in 5, 10, 15 years from now in oil consumption.

In 5 years, we'll wonder how the fuck we ever thought paying $2/gallon for gas was a high price....

Wall Street Takes Notice...

2005-03-15T17:03:00.000-05:00

See What Happens When I Stop Spying?

2005-03-06T09:18:00.000-05:00

See? When I stop spying on EL, hell, there's nothing to write about! :)

I've also had The Boy with me since Wednesday night (we jiggled our schedule a bit last week and this coming) and that's had me a bit busy, plus other stuff, but in the main, the less interest I have in being nosy, the less there is to talk about.

I think an Email commenter said it well, by the way - a lot of people reading this probably have a very strange idea of my "obsession" with my ex-wife and spying and so forth. I spend about 5 minutes a day or less doing stuff like that, maybe 10 minutes thinking about it, and another 5 writing a blog entry. But since that's all you read about in my entries, well, it may appear to be an all-consuming pasttime.

Regardless tho, I pretty much lost interest. I THINK it's because I realized based on her E-Harmony expedition of emailing a guy Tuesday, chatting online Wednesday, and letting him spend the night at her place fucking (and then bragging about it to people) on Thursday night, well, it's obviously a pattern in her life now, a new way of doing things and a "new EL" so - screw it, her problem, not mine.

So, probably be less first-hand EL knowledge these days.

Other things are going splendidly. RHA and I continue to have a nice developing relationship. So far I've met exactly ONE person who really read me the riot act (as a friend) and said I was crazy for getting in so deep so soon, I was cruising for a major heartbreak, why would I do that to myself, etc. I can only say - I'm aware it's possible, so I'll have no-one to blame but myself if it happens, but I can't really deny what I feel or how I feel right now, or how great things seem to be.

However, as always, I took what parts of his advice I found to be most useful...he kept saying, "You don't need a girlfriend, you need a hobby. You need to learn how to live alone again."

Good points, really. So of course, there are NO INTENTIONS WHATSOEVER of RHA and I living together anytime even remotely soon. The craziest, wildest fantasy we sometimes talk about when we're all romantic-schmoopie, is to say that maybe come Fall, I'd take on a 2rd roommate, and move into her house with her full time (assuming that's wise with The Boy, which it might not be) and keep just one small bedroom in my house here for myself and The Boy combined. Again, just a crazy fantasy and not all that likely from a legal/custody standpoint anyway. But certainly neither of us would give up our home completely at any point.

No, the main thing I sorta felt was a really good thing to say was, "Get a hobby."

I already joined a Gold's Gym, they've got two sites here and are building a HUGE 3rd site that's actually a tiny bit closer than the other two to me (like 10 minutes away instead of 12) and I got a special deal on membership and signup fees from my company. (I have a great company, which I've never outright mentioned here but many people may have guessed, that has all kinds of really sweet deals with various nationwide companies for things. The plan pricing I get on Ford vehicles, for example, is gonna really help me out when I buy that 2006 Mustang GT 'vert in a year or two... :) ) Actually my company was voted one of the 30 best places to work in my "metro area" just this week, for whatever that's worth. So anyway, it's a great place and we get lots of morale-boosting bennies.

Haven't posted on the diet lately, but as expected, it pretty much levelled off at the 60lbs loss mark. That's all I'm gonna get from flat out dieting, so the exercise program should get the metabolism burnin' again and take me down that last 30lbs or so. I've also let more normal food habits back into my life - still mainly only eat fruit and "good" foods, stay off the fried stuff, the cheese, and the red meats, but I've let some snacking back in here and there and that kinda thing. Still under 2000 calories a day though, that's my mark nowadays. Don't wanna get into that "Famine" mode where everything just goes right to fat anyway.

So anyway, another hobby...probably gonna get off my ass and finally learn to play the violin. That's been a weird desire of mine for awhile. I mean like for 10 years or so I was like, "yeah, someday, I'd like to play the violin" and then about a year ago for no apparent reason I bought an old student violin off Ebay for like $50 and said I'd sign up for lessons somewhere. I know I'll never be "great" or maybe even "good" but I'd settle for being able to fiddle away a little bit now and then. :) So, I need to get that signed up sometime within the next week or two. I hemmed and hawed about the gym for like a month before getting around to it - that's no way to start a new life, eh?

So between social life, RHA, getting my house into some kind of shape, going to the gym, practicing the occasional fiddle lesson, and most importantly being Daddy to The Boy, I think I'll have a good well-rounded set of pasttimes that should keep me out of trouble. :)

Really, not much else going on worth making an entry over. Even this entry was boring. :)

Another post about spying... Yeah, I've got 'tude!

2005-03-02T17:22:00.000-05:00

This is why I am now an advocate of spying. :)

(in SOME cases, anyway)

This is kinda/sorta in reply to a comment about how one's self esteem is destroyed by a cheating spouse.

My self esteem returned in full force when I realized, via reading my wife's email and chat logs, that she was a complete and total loon. Nay, skank!

That it was HER self esteem that was so trashed and broken, and her mental processes so damaged, that not only helped a little to end my marriage, but also explained her refusal to even consider any other options but instant divorce.

That there was no WAY I'd want to have stayed married to her knowing what I know now, even if I had had the option. Hey, I concede that it was HER decision, maybe even her RIGHT, to leave without even TRYING to reconcile, if that's what she wanted. But I also say, she wouldn't have if she wasn't so fuckin' nuts.

Anyway...

The ends may not justify the means, two wrongs may not make a right, but MY mental health is more important than my wife's right to privacy, as I see it.

I dare anyone to argue with me. How many people on this blog have told me, "Her problems aren't your problems, let it go."

Well, my invasion of her privacy is HER problem, not mine. She wasn't/isn't smart enough to take the simplest precautions that I taught her over the years, or that ANYONE could find out about for themselves in 15 minutes of Google searching, well, that's her problem.

So, that's how I let it go. I spied, and felt better, and spied more, and felt even more better.

And at no point have I ever felt bad about doing it. I don't feel I've "sunk to a new low." I have no desire to spy on my new girlfriend, or anyone in my past, or anyone else. I haven't even put my new girlfriend's name - or anyone else I dated before meeting her - in Google yet, and EVERYONE does that sooner or later, don't they? :)

So, screw it, I feel great about spying on her every step of the way. I've got the "proof" I wanted, and it's all legal. Knowing what she was thinking and saynig to people put me in the right place at the right time to "accidentally" find out lots of things that I needed to.

Hmm, not related to actual spying, but just another interesting thing I never got around to blogging, while cleaning out our "spare room" last weekend and bagging up a lot of EL's old clothes and stuff for her, I came across ANOTHER printed email from her at work. It's my guess she saved this (and later forgot about it I guess) as it seems to be the "first Email they ever sent each other." (Awwwwwwwww how cute? GAG!)

Why is it relevant? Because it's dated last September, and states, "Hey, we should get together sometime." His reply, "Yeah, that would be great, when we're both back from our vacations." Her answer, "OK, how about October 15th?"

I invite you all to scroll down the blog now and see the date of their first date/first adultery.

Yeah. That's right.

Thanks, EL. From start to finish, and with all the photographic proof, I've got the complete history of your infidelity and it's all completely legal.

What am I gonna do with it? Probably not a DAMN thing, unless I ever hear of her telling my friends, family, or HER family members any lies about why we got divorced. I don't care if she tells them "I just wanted out" or even "I didn't love him anymore" but if I EVER catch her claiming I had an affair, or that she was all sweet and pure and escaping the evil wife beating JD, well.....then she's going to have to contend with copies of all this stuff going up on the web, to her family, and maybe even to her work. None of which would be slander or libel as it's all real, in her own words, in her own photos freely posted to the Internet for anyone to see (who knew where to look) and legal.

LOL, why this rant right now, I have no idea, guess it was brewin' for awhile, and I was just talking to someone else about the "fairness of spying" AND your comment, Mac, just prompted me to want to re-iterate why I feel so good and moved on so quickly.

And welcome back, Mac. Had wondered what happened to you. Thought maybe you just gave up on me once it was clear the marriage was dead and I was OK with that. :)

Fwd: You've Added an Additional Email Address !

2005-03-01T15:50:00.000-05:00

Note: forwarded message attached.

Wow...Snowing Like A Muthafugga...

2005-02-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

Shit. They CLOSED THE CALL CENTER. At 7pm. DAMN that's like.....the first time in 2 years?

That tells ya how bad it's snowin' out there. Time for me to spring into Lawn Tractor Plow Man character!

I worked from home today, and got more work done than I do when I'm at work. Go figure. It's all part of what I'm discovering about myself lately - that I haven't had time to blog on - that explains so much about me and my life, personality, "issues", and so on.

Basically, I've discovered, if I'm at home, working, with the TV on Comedy Central, I concentrate on work 10x more than if I'm at work, working, with no other sounds or distractions in my cube except....more work.

More on that later. Fact is...it's snowing like a bitch, I just threw my JD's Vegetarian Chili Fixin's in the crock pot to simmer, and it's time to go plow.

Oh, and the fireplace insert is FINALLY fixed. Hoo boy, just in time. Got the firebox loaded up like Sim Webb puttin' the coal to ICRR 382.

(BIG bonus points if you get the reference... ;) )

So...anyway...yeah. More blog later, maybe.

Lots Happening, No Time to Post...

2005-02-26T18:03:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts the last few days. But I see many of the regulars having a nice spirited debate in the comments on the last post, so just keep that going in my absence, that's good.

All is well here, EL has not made any overtures since that initial apology towards changing her mind or seeking any reconciliation. It may be that she was just honestly wanting to apologize, or, it may be that she was doing that and also wondering if I'd respond with any overtures of my own, which clearly, I have not.

I have no interest in being with her anymore. I wish she'd get some help for herself - her latest exploit is that she met someone online on Tuesday, chatted with him on Wednesday, and had him over her place overnight for sexual escapades on Thursday night, he slept over and left Friday morning to go to work. LOL, she then proceeded to tell him, "Sorry, I never do things like that, I'm not that kind of girl....it's just been so long for me since I'd had any physical intimacy..."

Don't ask how I know, you'll have to take it on faith that it's true. I don't post shit that I am not 100% sure is true.

Classy broad, my ex. The only thing that really bugs me is that she made another "date" with him to "watch a movie" at her place again this weekend (same thing that was planned for Thursday night, that ended quite differently of course) and this is her weekend to have The Boy. I am not too thrilled about that, as you might imagine...

This is the point that if I WAS a stalker, I'd go over to her house around 10pm tonight and see if she's there, The Boy is there, and some guy too.

Now wait - before you cry hypocrasy - I'm not saying it's because there's a guy around my son. Fine. I'm not even saying it's because she barely knows the guy, though I think that's already getting into territory QUITE different than RHA meeting us at a restaurant or me taking The Boy to RHA's house for 15 minutes to play with her new puppy.

No, it's that she'll be having sex with a guy she barely knows with my son sleeping (I hope) in the next bedroom. In the same bed she normally sleeps with The Boy in, I might add. So The Boy will get to sleep in the dried wet spot Sunday night.

THAT isn't hypocrasy is it? Feel free to tell me so if you wish.

Anyway, aside from that things are rockin'. Cleaned up one room of my house today, made it f'ing spotless, it's the one that will be the roommate's room, she is coming to check it out tomorrow. Next is cleaning out The Boy's room and making it appropriate for a young man like him to sleep in. Hopefully that'll be Tuesday night.

I will try to blog more tonight or tomorrow. Lots of other small, good things going on.

Have I Been Emotionally Abused?

2005-02-22T21:53:00.001-05:00

This is not sarcasm. Have I been emotionally abused?

I've been told I'm just one step away from beating my wife.

I'm told I'm one step away from beating my son.

I'm told that because I wanted to work hard for my family, and succeed in business, and suck up to my boss, that that meant I didn't love my wife and son.

I'm told that because I dared to ask my wife to stop going on vacations with her mom and our son, while leaving me at home...I was a scary control freak.

I'm told that because I found out my wife was cheating on me, and I decided to read her email, it meant I was the most terrible dangerous stalker that ever lived.

I'm told I terrorized my family and made them fear for their lives.

Mind you, there is no proof of any of this. This was all someone's opinion. I was told that because I sometimes got angry enough to kick the door or throw a wrench or a dishrack in an empty kitchen, I was a danger to myself and others.

I was told I could never change, that I'd always be this good for nothing abusive bastard.

I was told I was no longer attractive because I'd gained weight.

So, I ask you - was I emotionally abused?

Just playing devil's advocate here. I'm being provocative, sure, but I'm also sincere. I was told a lot of things that weren't true, in an effort to make me feel things were my fault that were not entirely so. I was fed an altered worldview of things by someone who should have been my partner in life and the one person who I could love and trust to be truthful and honest. I was made to believe I was a monster for being human.

Have I Been Emotionally Abused?

2005-02-22T21:53:00.000-05:00

Oh FUCK FUCK FUCK...

2005-02-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

Did I say my worst nightmare came true last week when the OG dumped her ass?

Clearly, I had no idea how bad things could get...

A bit of Email from this morning, edited of course to protect the guilty, and the also guilty.

What the HELL do I do now?

"Irony is just tragedy with a sense of timing."

========================

From: EL
Sent: Tuesday, February 22, 2005 10:04 AM
To: JD
Subject: RE:

The first one

-----Original Message-----
From: JD
Sent: Tuesday, February 22, 2005 9:54 AM
To: EL
Subject: RE:

Look, not to be obtuse, but "everything" what? The affair? The divorce? The lies? The telling your family I'm an abuser? The two months of living, breathing, painful death? The wreck of my mind, career, and family?

Or, just, sorry in general, that our marriage didn't work out in the long run?

It's never too late to say you're sorry, but it is too late for it to make any difference. That's what really sucks. I'm sorry too, for that and a lot of other things.

________________________________
From: EL
Sent: Tuesday, February 22, 2005 9:44 AM
To: JD
Subject: RE:

for everything, it's not too late to say that

-----Original Message-----
From: JD
Sent: Tuesday, February 22, 2005 9:44 AM
To: EL
Subject: RE:

For what?

-JD
________________________________
From: EL
Sent: Tuesday, February 22, 2005 8:17 AM
To: JD
Subject: RE:

Hey, I just want to say "I'm sorry"

A REAAAAAALY Long Email I Sent to Someone...

2005-02-22T01:23:00.000-05:00

This Email is one I typed a few hours ago, this afternoon. Someone had responded to some of my comments, via Email, and asked a few rhetorical questions, which me being me used as a stepping stone for a 40 page self-evaluation. :)

I asked and got their permission to post it here. I just thought it went a long way towards explaining to myself (and thus, to that person and any of the rest of you who'd want to read it) how I got so far in 4 months, if it's "real" or not, and other things on that subject.

As always opinions are welcome, though, this right here is one long-ass Email. :)

-JD

(The person to whom I sent it might notice this one is a little different. I sent this to RHA, so, I admit, I took out a part where I talked about how I did NOT want to snoop on RHA even though I could - and detailed two ways I could if I wanted to. Just 'cuz, well, that mighta been TOO weird to have her read, you know? :) And I modifified and edited a little bit here and there in other places to overall make it more of an opimistic-about-my-RHA-future Email, and how I want to be a better person in general, and hope RHA will stick around to be part of that, but if she doesn't, that it'll be OK with us both, because we have a great communication based relationship already.)

----------------------------------------------

I wrote this and I thought, damn, I really do sound full of myself, egotistical, downright smug again. Please "call me" on any of these answers that seem to easy or self-delusional. :)

> Thanks for your comments ... but this is what I'd be
> worried about. How long will it take you to start
> snooping on RHA? And how do you see that the

Ah...I ask myself that one constantly. CONSTANTLY. All I can say is...I swore to myself that the snooping I was doing to EL would not define me, and I would fight any feeling to EVER do that in the future. That I would fight it by simply "never letting things get that bad."

It sounds pathetically easy, like I'm not taking it seriously...but...consider: If I remember every day, "Don't let it get that bad" - then how can it?

How can it get to the point where my future "mate" would not want to talk to me about an issue, if every single day I make clear that all I want to do is become a better person at the end of the day?

That communication is key?

That I won't ever be upset at anything that is said, even "goodbye" - but I will be hurt irrevocably by finding out - as always has to happen, snooping or not - that she held something back?

I hope that anyone I meet in the future - well "hope" isn't quite right as I'll be making sure that I look carefully and constantly for this quality before committing - will be mature and adult and simliar to me enough that THEY also will understand that - that talking is better than not talking, no matter the issue. RHA and I are there already. And I hope that'll never change, and I hope that I'll never NEED to commit to anyone else, but if I do, if RHA and I somehow don't "make it" in the end, well, I will make certain that anyone else I involve with will be as real, and open, and willing to discuss everything that's on their mind....

So...snooping shouldn't be necessary.

In a more practical answer - well, it's only been a month, but I've felt zero desire to snoop. None. Nada. Zip. And it's not like I couldn't...I mean she lets me use her laptop and she's usually logged in, but why do I care? We already have 10x the openness and trust in our relationship than I ever had with EL. I just don't even think about it. I've even given up most of the snoopage I've done on EL. The only snooping I still do on EL is almost unavoidable, I'd rather not go into specifics but the fact is I don't have to try, it's almost done FOR me at this point. Someday that'll stop and I won't try to restart it, 'cuz I don't care about that anymore either. I only snoop now 'cuz it's easy and even that sometimes a day or two goes by. I figure it'll eventually be 2-3 days, then 3-4 days, then 5-6 days, etc...and one day I'll realize I haven't even considered it for months.

So as for RHA, well, all I can do is stay self-aware. Obviously, it's pretty damn easy to say all this at the 5 week mark. Will it be so easy at 5 months? 5 years? If I find myself slipping, it'll be sometjhing I will talk to HER, and my therapist about, immediately.

That's all I can do, right?

> patterns that you fell into with EL, which made her
> feel neglected and unwanted, and that she needed
> these things in her life, won't emerge with RHA?
> You yourself said in your blog at one point that EL
> had trouble putting her finger on the the things
> which made her stray, and that the yelling was the
> easiest to pick out, although now you seem to have
> accepted that it was just the yelling and the taking
> for granted.

Because, it is. Because I have seen enough - unfairly, thru snooping, as I freely admit - of her messed up brain to see that really IS what she considered to be "unsolvable problems" in our marriage. She's naive, childish, immature emotionally. You pegged it - she really IS someone who felt every day should be a honeymoon. (RHA and I talked about that very early on in our talks - that we both understand sometimes it's work, that it won't be "butterflies" all the time to use RHA's wording, but that it can be wonderful and a partnership anyway, even when it's NOT perfect.) That's sad. It can't possibly be that way - the bad times are what make the good times rewarding.

Would you believe, she puts in her online personal ads, "The one thing I must have in all relationships is total honesty."

Does that boggle your mind like it does mine? One thing she can NEVER, EVER say is that I lied to her - about ANYTHING. There was only one person in our relationship who lied, snuck around, held things back, and said one thing and did another - and it wasn't me.

Yes, the spying is a form of lying, but I don't think that's what she's referring to, or she'd say "trust" wouldn't she?

She really is demented. I really DO have the luxury of saying, in the main, that "it was her, not me." Smug? Egocentric? I don't THINK so, but then, I wouldn't know if it was, I guess. So what are your thoughts?

My issues I have NEVER denied - losing my temper and throwing things like a 5 year old, is disgusting, childish, immature, and downright pathetic. That's why I don't do it. Screaming at the top of my lungs is stupid and non-constructive in terms of solving ANYTHING. I fixed it.

Taking for granted...I really do feel that was, mainly, the cause of our marriage issues. And I don't mean to treat it lightly.

Obviously, after a few years of acting like an inconsiderate asshole who has no responsibilities around the house except to bring home a paycheck and occasionally mow the lawn....any woman would get fed-the-fuck-up and take off. Anyone would feel unloved, unappreciated, uncared for to the point that they should just bail out.

But any woman who was worth staying married to, worth being with - wouldn't have given up her husband and the father of her son without SOME kind of fight, would she? Just waltz away with the first married guy at work to sweet talk her a little bit, and therefore convince herself nothing was saveable, nothing was worth fighting for - or as I've said, even WAITING AROUND TO SEE if it would get better? So that's another reason it's easy for me to move on - I'm sure people tell you like they do me, "That person didn't deserve you - you deserve so much more. They don't love you and never will again if they treat you that way." I hear that a lot, and at first I didn't believe it, but now I do. Again, it's unfair 'cuz it's the snooping that makes it so clear to me those people are right, but it is what it is.

So anyway, I don't doubt that I really was that bad - but at the same time, how hard is that behavior to "fix" really? Am I taking it too lightly? PLEASE tell me so!!
But I don't think I am taking it lightly. I think that it IS easy to fix that, again, by the simple remedy of saying to myself, every day, "I"m not going to let that happen again."

Self-awareness is the key. Somewhere in my blog, I know I must have written something like this:

"All in all, sad as it is, my marriage could have been saved by the sort of advice that any man would give his son on their wedding day. The simple, trite even, completely un-profound cliche's: Don't go to bed angry. Don't forget the little things - they make the marriage. Flowers for no reason trump flowers for cause. Remember to say how much you appreciate the laundry, the dinner, the diaper change. Don't leave your muddy shoes on the floor. Remember to say she looks good when you notice it - which should be every day."

The little things are what make the big things big. This was all it took.

Again, do I sound self-delusional? Remember - my reading her email and stuff has proven to me THIS was her big issue. Things along the lines of, "He never picked up after himself." She actually admits that to people - she doesn't even bother lying anymore and saying I was abusive.

Do you see what I'm saying? I KNOW it sounds like I'm blaming her for everything - but I'm not.

I'm blaming her for being too immature, or angry, or mental, or choose whatever adjective you want - but too SOMETHING to actually WAIT a few months and see what could have happened.

The sad thing is, she's coming around now. She's starting to realize it, and now, I don't want her back. I can't do that to myself.

Like you - I had been so long in the dark, a dark of my own making, sure, but dark anyway - that when this began all I wanted was to fix it and keep it going.
Now I realize, hell, there's a whole world out here that I'd kept myself away from. I'd have been happy enough staying away when I didn't know it was here...I loved my wife and family and marriage...but now I realize, it wasn't really everything it should have been, and I can have more. So I will.

> honeymoon. I take it she never pulled such
> desperation measures while married to you in order
> to get you to notice her. But there had to have
> been a point where you loved EL, and respected her,
> and had as much trust in her as you do now with RHA.
> My question is, can you pinpoint where that all
> changed in your marriage? And if not, how do you
> know that it won't happen again?

That's what I'm saying - it happened when SHE gave up on the marriage, not me. I was blind and stupid and ignorant and wrapped up in myself. No lies. BUT...when I realized it, and went to her to fix it.....she didn't want to. That may be her perogative, sure, as I've come to accept - that was her choice and I can agree or not but it doesn't matter in the end.

She chose it. So be it. I can't alter that, but I can alter how it makes ME feel. I KNOW I could have, would have, saved my marriage if given the chance. I believe it in my SOUL. Even though now in some hindsight, I'm willing to say - maybe she WAS right a little, maybe we WERE NOT right for each other in the end. Maybe she knows that and she IS doing EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING FOR HER. I would have saved it and stayed with her regardless, even if it wasn't the right person for me to live the rest of my life with, I would have done it happily because it was "right." (and I don't mean stayed in a loveless marriage. I mean, I would have only stayed if we could have found the love and happiness again, but that I suspect I would have found that at the price of "turning off" some possible "self-actualization.")

I don't know, but since I can't change it, I'm going to accept it. I am going to be a better man now, for RHA I hope, if not, for someone else. And for me. It's win-win-win. (Me, my son, and (I hope) RHA)

Do you see what I'm saying? I blame myself AND her. I blame myself for causing big problems, but I blame her for not wanting to work to resolve them. Mainly it was me who had to work and she who had to wait. But she was too wrapped up in her own affair to want to do that, too sure that being "free" was what she wanted. And so....she is.

So the way I know it won't happen again, is by not letting it happen again.
Sounds stupid when I say it, but again - what I have to "prevent from happening" is getting wrapped up in myself, not being self-critical, not communicating with my mate. I can do that pretty easily.

It's not so much I have bad habits or terrible things about myself, as that I let those things I do have about me that are negative get too out of control merely out of laziness.

I've been burned, badly. I have the benefit of these very bad, deep - but not fatal - scars that I can feel in myself, almost see in the mirror, every day to remind me - "don't let it happen again."

Fuck, maybe I should get a tattoo...a tiny little, I dunno, mobius strip or infinity symbol or something, tattooed right on my face...under my eyebrow or hairline or somewhere else it won't be visible but I'll know it's there. And it can literally be my visible reminder that...I don't want this to happen again.

You know what? That's not as stupid as it sounds. I'm actually gonna think of that. How small a tattoo can a tattooist do that I will still see every day when I'm shaving in the mirror to remind me - don't fuck it up again.

But in the main, how easy will it be to not fuck up? To look at that tattoo and say, "Shit, did I tell RHA today how lucky I am she's in my life? Better go do that...right now. The shaving can wait."

She might never figure out why I always tell her how wonderful she is to me in the mornings, but hey, what better a time to say it anyway? :)
I like the eyebrow idea actually. Then I can see it everytime I look at myself in the rearview mirror.

> Did your experiences make you a snooper? Or more
> willing to judge someone's maturity by their age?

I think it was the situation. I've alwyas been a tiny bit snoopy, sure. I'm the kinda guy who has an irresistable urge to look in someone's desk drawers when I'm using their desk, for example. If I'd gone to college, I bet I'd have looked in my roommate's shit when they were home for the weekend.

But in all honesty, I NEVER snooped on my own wife before. Really. Before I felt she was cheating on me, I never so much as looked in her underwear drawer or checked her phone for messages.

I looked in her parent's closet when I was house-sitting them, now I think about it. So I'm a voyeur, sure. I have a fascination with the secrets people keep hidden from others, but mental as that may be...I never had a "trust" problem.

I NEVER do that with someone I actually CARE about, but with strangers...yeah, ok, I admit it, I snoop sometimes. LOL. Never anyting too pathological, like I said, probablty the mentally sickest thing I've ever done was poke thru my inlaw's closets or look in a co-workers desk when I had to share it for awhile. We used to look thru our boss's desk when we worked as kids at a gas station in the 80's but hell, who wouldn't do that? He kept the keys to the soda machine in there. :)

So, when I DID get a trust issue, I was just naturally really fuckin' good at snooping, I guess. I've snooped in ways that impressed even me. I honestly wonder if I missed my calling and should go into private investigation. I'm not kidding. I've talked about that with my therapist.

I know things about the Other Guy that EL doesn't have a clue about. Things about his wife. His other girlfriends. And I never had to leave the comfort of my own home or spend more than 20-30 minutes at a shot in front of the computer, or any money, to find it out.

Sum total of money I spent on my "private investigation" of all this? $7. $5 for a phone number search I later found I could have gotten for free by just using http://www.daplus.us and $2 to pay for an archived news story on our local newspaper website.

Scared of me? I hope not. I've never felt the need to act on any of the info, nor expand it to searching for info on RHA for example, or her ex, or any of EL's other little love interests, etc. Just don't care. RHA will tell me all I need to know about her, this I know. And EL's issues don't concern me anymore. Like I said, the snooping is all "automatic" now. Even the snooping on the OG is automatic though I don't bother with that much anymore at all.

That was a lot of explanation...hope it's not a case of "he doth protest too much." I don't think it is, though - I am naturally very introspective and obviously the last 4 months I've been HYPER-SELF-AWARE. I analyze everything I do 7 ways to Sunday looking for motives, reasons, and making sure it's not something I'm doing for the "wrong" reasons, at least, in the main.

So...I think I was just a snooper from the circumstances. But I'll be monitoring my own behavior quite closely on all this, fear not.

> Or simply someone who will be more mindful of the
> manifestations of his temper? I'm not sure what my

That too. Truly - since this began, I've felt NO NEED to "lose it" the way I used to. And I think I've been under more stress and anger in some of this stuff than I ever had before, and the angriest I've gotten, all I had to do was sit on the couch and laugh at myself for a few minutes.
I'm going to be all right. I know this.

Also - and I haven't blogged about t his yet, I'm trying to finish reading a book I'm reading first - but I've honestly, truly, really gotten to a major "root cause" of my behaviors all my life.

And they're not from depression as I've thought. I'm really sure I've got it, and because I do....it's not going to happen again. In fact I have a new found optimism like nothing I've ever felt before...a highway opened in front of me where I see that even at my ripe old age of 35, I may yet be able to cash in on some of the dreams I had in my youth.

Sound all new-agey and shit? :) Stay tuned, I'll blog on it in a few days.
And I owe it all to the blog, too. I really do. This blog may have saved my life even as it documented the failure of my marriage and family.

> experiences have made out of me, but I'm afraid it's
> someone who's too easy to please, and someone who is
> easily controlled by anger, and someone who is ready
> to accept very little emotional commitment from a
> man, as well as very poor treatment. Granted,
> someone may come along tomorrow who will sweep me
> off my feet and treat me like a queen ... but if

You know, you almost could be describing RHA there. And hopefully, maybe this will give you a little hope for yourself, and me - I see a little of that in her sometimes, just a shadow of it...but whenever I see it, I tell her, "Hey. I'm not that guy. I want you to tell me what you really wanna do tonight. I don't want you to just say, "It's ok if you're gonna be late" when I tell you I have to work late - if it bothers you, I want to hear about it, loud and clear."

Basically, I see that she had someone mess with her head, and for whatever reason - my own guilt, my own shame, or my own resolution never to do that again - I tell her to stand up for herself and not let herself hold back, ever, anything. I want to be the man for her that she deserves and should have had her whole life. I can't change what happened to her but I can help her realize we're not all like that - I've told her straight out, don't LET me be inconsiderate. That's all I ask. I want someone to TELL me when I'm being inconsiderate, because, I don't WANT to be. I mean what's the definition of inconsiderate? Not considering others. I mostly do, but sometimes I forget. I don't want to be nagged, but I want to be told when I step on someone's feelings. If they tell me when I do it in a tiny little way, then it'll never get worse. I'll learn to not be inconsiderate in the tiny things, and it won't spiral out of control like it did with EL.

I love that RHA has decided to trust me, and I won't let her down.

> that all comes crashing down, will my self-esteem be
> even lower than it is now, thinking a WORTHY man
> doesn't even want me? Or will I be more desperate
> to keep him when flaws come out that I didn't see at
> first, because the good is so much better than I've
> ever experienced, even though
> most people would say it's average?

I think I will share this letter with RHA, if you don't mind? Would that be OK? I'd like to know if any of this goes through her mind, and how her and I can work through it if it ever does.

I WANT her to tell me if I'm not right for her, if she wakes up in 2 weeks and realizes this has all been a rebound, because I'm just the first guy to treat her "just basically OK" and she's fallen for that as if it's amazin g...well, if she realizes that, I want her to tell me right away. And it'll be OK. I'll do the same if I think that.

I hope that's not what'll happen, but of course I worry. But worrying is what makes it less likely to happen. Another circular argument eh? :) But truly - if we are not right for each other, we'll admit it to each other - because we've both been through it, and the one thing I have confidence in in our relationship is that we will NOT DO THAT TO EACH OTHER, ever...but so yeah, I worry.

As I do also worry that I'm just trying SO HARD to be perfect myself, to be the greatest boyfriend/mate ever, that maybe I WILL start to "slack off" in the near future, and if I do, I want her to call me on it RIGHT AWAY....I don't want her to suppress it or anything, to think that "ok, he's not what I though, but he's still better than the EX, so I'll deal with it."

No no no no no no NO!

So don't you do it either! :) Don't sell yourself short like that. Just trust YOURSELF not to do that, and the people you are with, will be the right ones, you know what I'm trying to say? Don't settle - speak up if you feel even a HINT that it's not right. If you think the other person is "trying" to be someone for you - well, now you know that's impossible...so you'll not let it happen again, right?

Right. :) Don't get it happen.

> I've said to a guy friend I met online, and maybe I
> mentioned this on my blog or even in a comment on
> yours, but I've been living in the dark for a very
> long time. I'm not sure if a light is a candle or
> the sun because I've lost perspective on what a
> normal relationship is, how I'm supposed to be
> treated, how I'm supposed to treat someone else.

You said it on your blog or mine, 'cuz I recognize it. It's true.

All you can do, I think, is decide you will not settle for any LESS than the sun. And to look at any light you see with the critical eye...to put a few layers of eyeshade on and see if it's still as bright. And if it is...well, you'll have to take a shot.
You might later find out it was just a million-candlepower spotlight that hit you in just the right spot...but....maybe that'd be OK, eh? :)

> Unlike you, I can't simply say, "my spouse is an
> asshole," because I take perhaps more responsibility
> than he does for letting it get like it did (maybe
> because he takes next to none). Until I get that

See, I did take responsibility. A LOT. As you saw in the beginning of my blog. But I soon realized it took two, and that for every failure and terrible thing of mine, there was a time she could have done something, said something, or whatever -- and didn't. That she IS as responsible as me. That the final nail was her refusing to believe that she had ANYTHING to do with it, in the end. She did, you know. Her refusal to do counseling, or therapy of her own, or even WAIT AROUND a little while....shows that in the end, she felt there was nothing she needed or wanted to do to save any of it.

So...why should I hammer myself endlessly in guilt for that? My issues, I know what they are. They will take a LIFETIME of monitoring and watching and self-evaluation to keep at bay...but I can do that, and I will, and so - I'm confident I'll be "fixed." I will be the better person I wanted to be when this happened 4 months ago. She just won't get the benefit of it, and too damn bad.

> So I applaud you for being able to be in this kind
> of relationship, to find all these feelings emerge
> so quickly after EL trashed yours, and especially to
> have the perspective that it is a rebound but may be
> more.

That's all I can do. I won't let myself "not feel" like I'm in love, because societal norms say it's "too soon."

I feel like I'm in love, therefore, by my simple, Romantic with a capital "R" logic - I am. I may not be tomorrow. I may be tomorrow and RHA may not be. But right now...I am, and she is, and so....we'll do what lovers do and pin it all on hopes and dreams and optimism and the foolish confidence love brings. :)

If it blows up in my face, well then, it will. How will that be worse than if I could have had it but said it was "too soon?"

You DO bring a good point, I don't know if you meant it this way, but I assume you did...here:

>But I don't envy you. I would be totally
> distraught if the perfect guy for me came along
> before I was ready to handle him in a normal way
> with my normal healthy pre-marriage attitudes on
> love, life and sex.

OK, that's a lot of food for thought for me right there. Because what you are saying is, what if RHA IS the right person, the magic "one" - but because I met her too soon, and let the relationship go too soon - that it IS doomed to failure...but...had we taken it slower, or met 2 years from now...it would have worked?

Shit. That's just a risk we have to take, I guess. Because, the alternative is to not let it be what it wants to be now...and maybe, NEVER have it.

Again, the Romantic in me says - if we're the One for each other, then it doesn't matter when/where/circumstances of our meeting. We're right, we're one, and we'll make it work if it's meant to work now, or in 2 or 5 or 10 years.

Foolish crazy optimism? Duh. :) That's love. :)

> Anyway, thanks as always sharing...

Bet you didn't expect this long an answer, did ya? I didn't when I started to write it!! But it triggered a lot of good feelings in me, a chance ot write out a lot of things I've been feeling lately, at a time when I had an hour to kill...so....here you are.

(personal end note stuff deleted)

Non-Angsty News Roundup

2005-02-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

So, a lazy Monday morning, I'm browsin' the news, couple things of interest, and while I know nobody cares (like SH said not too long ago, ya'all come here to vicariously experience my angsty divorce hell, I know...) I'm gonna post 'em anyway, 'cuz I always told myself this is the kinda blog I'd have someday.

BTW I'm getting ever closer towards edging over to the new blog. Probably another week or two, once I get my work-life up to speed once and for all and have a little more free time to waste...

Anyway...

This, we need. Bad. It's not sci-fi anymore. Interestingly what they don't mention is that this technology ALSO has the potential to generate gigawatts of electricity that would obviously be a secondary - but major - benefit...

Space Elevator Man: Bradley Edwards Reaches for the Heights

Bradley C. Edwards, president and founder of Carbon Designs Inc., is the driving force behind the space elevator, a purportedly safer and cheaper form of transporting explorers and payloads into space.

Then we have this, which I just find cool. I love submarines. LOL. Sounds funny eh? But I mean, y'know, all kids go thru some military phase where they get into fighter airplanes, or battleships, or tanks, or whatever...for me it was submarines. Not that I DON'T also love military aircraft of course - one of the first "movie quotes" The Boy was taught to say was, "P-51 Mustang! The Cadillac of the Sky!" (Bonus points for whoever names the movie...) since he has one that flies around his room...

But anyway, submarines. Thanks to the computer game Silent Service which I played on my Commie in, I dunno, 1984 or so, I really got into 'em. WWII Fleet boats were amazing. For sucha tiny little undermanned boat - too small to even be called a "ship" in Navy terminology back then - they pretty much held back the Japanese single-handedly after Pearl Harbor and did such a number on the Japanese economy they never recovered. Anyway, they didn't even have a doctor, let alone a surgeon on board, so stuff like this happened:

Navy Honors Sailor for Emergency Surgery

More than 60 years ago, Wheeler Lipes performed a successful emergency appendectomy in a submarine 120 feet below the Pacific Ocean — an act that has finally earned him a medal from the Navy.

About time the guy got recognition for that one! Amazing stories in those WWII boats. Really they're all "unsung heroes" the poor submariners never really - even today - get much attention for what they have to deal with. You know a modern sub will cruise for 90 days and may not surface AT ALL during that entire time? Claustrophobics need not apply...

This, of course, comes as absolutely no suprise to anyone who's been following...well...anything in terms of Bush policy on the environment, the sciences, research, education (that doesn't focus on improving standardized test scores for feel-good but useless results, that is) or medical science issues...

Panelists Decry Bush Science Policies

The voice of science is being stifled in the Bush administration, with fewer scientists heard in policy discussions and money for research and advanced training being cut, according to panelists at a national science meeting.

And finally, we have this. Sad, but really, not all that unexpected, is it?

Writer Hunter S. Thompson Kills Himself

Hunter S. Thompson, the hard-living writer who inserted himself into his accounts of America's underbelly and popularized a first-person form of journalism in books such as "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," has committed suicide.

Really no angsty issues at all today with the whole EL story. She called AGAIN last night to talk to The Boy, obviously she is really missing him, and combined with the whole OG-dumping-her thing, I'm concerned her "moral high ground" on custody/divorce property might start to waver soon, so I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow and willing to spend more money to get this shit done, FAST.

I'm honestly sorry, EL, but it's not my fault...

2005-02-20T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, EL...sorry. It's not my fault.

I had nothing to do with what happened on the phone today.

UNLIKE you, EL, who seemed to think it was cute to teach The Boy to say, "RHA looks like a doggie!"

Yes, I know you did that on purpose. No 2 year old spontaneously comes up with the phrase, "she looks like a doggie!" Neither you or I have ever used that expression to talk about a woman's appearance. So it's no coincidence.

I admit, I DID of course correct The Boy and teach him to say "RHA is pretty!" So now if you ask him, "What does RHA look like?" that's what you are going to hear. Sorry about that, and I'm depressed I had to do something like that, but if nothing else I've taught him to say something that's true and you taught him a lie, I can comfort myself with that one. And I also teach him to say "Mommy is pretty!" too, because, to a boy his mother is always the most beautiful woman in the world...so it's true.

But that was just to correct your pathetic, nasty little using-our-son-to-be-mean gambit. I'm proud to say, while the thought crossed my mind here and there over the last 4 months to either teach him outright, or just say a lot in his presence, "Mommy is a whore" I never, EVER did. It never got past the "I could teach him to say...oh no holy SHIT did I really just even THINK that???" stage. I know better. I would never do that. This blog clearly shows at many stages how I refuse to do that, and have wished you'd do the same in return.

So...anyway...

When you called this morning at 9AM which is completely out of character, and I knew beyond any doubt it was because you were depressed and wanted to talk to The Boy to cheer yourself up....and when you said, "Hi!" and he said, "Hi! Is it RHA on the phone? Is it RHA?" to you...well...I actually felt bad for you. But I can't control what he says.

I guess I could try to get him to "not talk about RHA" around you, but that sounds a little creepy, too, like I'm trying to hide something or ask HIM to hide something. And I don't think I should do that either.

I don't even know if you could hear me but it was me whispering in the background to remind him to say, "I love Mommy" when you wanted to say goodbye.

I don't relish how much that hurts. I hope it never happens to me when I call The Boy on a day he's with you and some guy is around. And if it does, I hope you have the kindness to try and correct him, and that you won't actually teach him to say that to "get back at me."

Which, given your example of teaching him to say "RHA looks like a doggie" I am not confident of, however.

Remember, none of this was my idea, and I can't help it I'm happier with it this way now, and you aren't, but it's the way it is and the way it's gonna be. My hands are washed - maybe now you'll get yourself some mental help.

Wow. OG dumped EL and I don't fuckin' care.

2005-02-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

Possibly the best example yet of how I feel, how I'm moving onward (despite the appearance here and in the Salon stuff that I'm still "unhealthily obsessed" with her life and haven't let go) and getting past all the drama is...

OG dumped EL last night. I really don't know details, just that that's how she described it and he's done with her.

And you know what? On hearing that I had exactly THREE emotional feelings/thoughts, and none was very strong or diverted my attention more than a minute or two.

#1 was a bit more Schadenfruede, a taste of spiteful glee and thought of, "Good, hope she's happy now realizing she pissed her life away for 4 months of empty sex and self abasement."

#2 was shame at myself for feeling that, and a little bit of empathy/compassion for her. Just a tiny bit, though... :)

#3 was the strongest, and was something like this:

"Oh FUCK...THIS I don't need! DAMMIT! Why didn't I push the lawyers and EL faster on the paperwork? Dammit I KNEW this was gonna happen...my worst fucking nightmare...dear God what if the skank calls me trying to reconcile?!?!"

And that's about it. Now I just hope her wounded pride and stubbornness makes her stick to her guns thru the rest of the divorce. I'm actually thinking she probably won't tell me at all, actually.

If she DOES tell me, I'd take that as a sign she's sounding me out for an attempt at reconciliation which I will fucking shut down HARD....no way, no how.

A much worse thing yesterday was as I told RHA some of this, I really hurt her feelings. I felt like one inch tall and I deserved it. She basically said, "Wait...so...after you left here Thursday morning, you went home to feed the cats, but then you were thinking about her and all this stuff, instead of letting it go?" Wow. I was a fuckin' scumbag and no doubt.

I think she understands, of course, as we talked more and I explained that actually, I've thought about it all a LOT less lately. If not for my letter suddenly showing up in Salon and sorta bringing all this back to the forefront, hell, I might not have noticed anything up with her nor sought out info again on her.

I mean, I haven't been posting much at all lately and what I have has been a lot less angst-centered and EL-obsessed.

Er, it has, hasn't it? I look back and it appears I am making more progress everyday towards letting it all go.

NOWHERE NEAR all the way, I freely admit...but...whole days go by now and I actually don't think of it much beyond issues involving the legals or The Boy.

Anyway, she just was worried I was still a little too obsessed with the past and not letting go. But after we talked awhile and got the feelings out, we were good. I'm glad, I really am in love with RHA already, regardless of how right, or smart, or wise that is. Don't give a shit really.

We were lucky and we found each other at a time that was right for both of us. I'm pretty sure it will last but if it doesn't, we'll have no regrets because we're both such open, emotionally aware people...we talk on many levels and communicate on many more.

BTW, I've edited/paraphrased a bit. DO NOT feel that RHA was unfairly saying something so shallow as, "you were thinking of her and not me?" I don't want to go into details of exactly what/how/who I was dealing with Thursday morning that I discovered these interesting facts about EL and things...but suffice to say RHA did have a very valid right to be concerned with whether I was maybe a little more obsessed with all this than I've been claiming. That combined with some of the Salon comments HAS had me introspective again lately wondering if I'm obsessed, refuse to let go, unfairly sneaky, etc. And there is some grain of truth to it so I'm really trying to let this latest episode - EL's dumpage and RHA's concern for me and our relationship, be a big milestone towards me saying "fuck it all" and just not giving a shit in the least about EL and her shit.

Oh, and I DO still think his wife has a right to know. Because, he dumped EL because he's got another woman that's heating up more and he couldn't juggle all 3. EL doesn't even know that, unfortunately, but I do. So...it's hard. I still can't trust my motive, though, do I really wanna tell his wife for HER sake, or, so I can fuck up HIS life? I dunno.

Amusing phone call. (link corrected)

2005-02-17T14:26:00.000-05:00

So, about 2 minutes ago my phone rings at work.

It's EL's cellphone # on the caller ID. Middle of the day, I'm hoping The Boy isn't sick or anything like that. I answer.

EL: "Hey, it's me."

JD: "Hi, what's up, everything OK?"

EL: "Did [The Boy] meet your girlfriend?"

(I admit, I pause to consider proper response....a second or so...)

"Yes, he did."

"I thought we'd talked about that. Shouldn't you have told me first?"

"We never talked about that. As usual you are remembering what you want to. What we talked about is that [The Boy] would not meet [Other Guy] when we were still trying to 'save our marriage.' Nothing was ever said after you moved out."

"Yes, we did talk about it. We weren't going to let him meet anyone we were seeing."

"No, we didn't...it was specifically about [Other Guy] and my exact words were, 'Don't take [The Boy] out with the two of you at any point, I don't want Daddy #2 to be auditioning.' That was the conversation...because the point was that while I was trying to prove to you that I was a better man and husband than you thought, you shouldn't have been seeing some other guy acting in my role."

"That's not what it was." (I love that I have this blog. I KNOW my memory isn't tainted, 'cuz the blog clearly reflects this exact conversation back on 10/24/04)

"Yes, that was exactly what it was, we never talked about it again after you moved out, and besides, why are you grilling our 2 year old son about who he's with and who Daddy is seeing?"

"Oh, I didn't. He just popped right out with it that he met [RHA] Daddy's girlfriend."

(Clearly a lie, because, I have never used that word with or in front of The Boy. He knows RHA as RHA only, not Daddy's friend, or Daddy's girlfriend, or anything like that. The only two times he has met her that's how I have described her to him. Most likely what really happened is that EL knows the woman I'm dating's name is "RHA" because when you call my cellphone, my Caller Tune Intro says, "Hi, it's JD, I'll be right with you, in the meantime here's one for my Valentine, RHA..." and then it goes into "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer for a few seconds until either I answer or you get my voicemail...

And The Boy DOES know that "RHA" gave him a book and a stuffed puppy. So I'm reasonably sure he was asked, "Where'd this puppy come from?" and the boy replied, "RHA gave it to me" or something like that. )

I acknowledge, by the way, that that really doesn't qualify as "grilling" our son if it was a simple question asked and answered, but I did want to piss her off, I freely admit that.... :)

Anyway...to continue...

JD: "Well, I'm sorry, but he did meet her, and I don't see anything wrong with that. He doesn't know who she is, just another friend he gets to play with sometimes."

EL: "I don't think I should have to have heard that from him."

(hangs up)

Oh well. Not my fault she has to sneak around and hide her relationship from people, and I don't. I think another hard dose of reality just smacked EL in the face and she's not ready to deal with it on top of the Other Guy losing interest in her no matter how much she tries to up the ante...I haven't bothered mentioning much about it lately (see, I really am letting go a lot more...NOT saying I have completely, just saying, a little more every day...) but she's now trying to get her friend LH (the one confidant and friend that I've mentioned before on here, who is a really good source of advice, being she's involved with a man who divorced HIS wife for her, but she fucks around on him constantly with every man she can get her hands on at work...married or not...) to join them as the 3rd member of the three way. Or already has for all I really know.

Divorce is hell, eh EL?

Yeah, I'm spiteful and mean now. No denials here.

This Salon thing just gets more amusing...

2005-02-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Wow. OK, now I'm the topic of a ton of letters to the editor... :)

http://www.salon.com/mwt/letters/2005/02/16/wifes_affair/

Not sure how long that link will work, apparently tomorrow it will be a front-page link as well so I'm not sure if it might migrate.

Amazin'. And funny. And ironic as I'd mostly decided I no longer give a shit and if I DO tell anyone, it'll be a phonecall from me to OG and not involve the wife at all.

OK, well, that might be a lie. I do still kinda wanna tell her, but I realize that's the "bad motives" talking and not the good ones.

What about splitting the difference, I wonder? What about calling the wife and just saying, simply, "Look, if you don't already know this...stop having sex with your husband and get some tests. And talk to him." I mean, it's obvious why someone would call her like that, and probably mean and nasty and scary.

But ethically, is it better or worse?

Holy Effing Shit...anyone else read Salon?

2005-02-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

So...should come as no surprise, being I'm a bleedin' heart liberal...that I'm a big fan of Salon online magazine.

www.salon.com

If you've never read it before - you DO have to click thru a little "commercial" first, if you don't wish to subscribe. Which I admit I don't - I watch the commercial every day, so, I'm paying my way.

Anyway, awhile back, I figured "what the hey..." and sent the "Question of the Blog" to their advice columnist guy. Never heard back, figured, he wasn't interested in answering it. I was under the assumption I'd get a call or something to confirm I'm "real" y'know? Like with a letter to the editor, etc.

Nope. Showed up there today. And I almost didn't read it today, busy at work...

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2005/02/15/wife_affair/index.html

I'd post his reply here, but technically, that's probably illegal. And it's a cool online magazine, so, go watch the little commercial and read a few other articles while you're there.

When you are done reading it, take a look at the "Table Talk Forum" - there are dozens of comments there that I just don't have time to read all of, and I will eventually post some of my own.

Update: I just realized, I have to subscribe to Salon to post in Table Talk. Hmm. :) Dilemma. I really don't feel like it. I guess unless some really compelling comments come up I feel the urge to respond to, I won't bother.

All I ask of any readers here is, if you choose to sound off in Table Talk, don't reveal this blog there. I'm not sure I really want that much notoriety coming down on my little blog. :)

They start at post #8348 in Table Talk.

Anyway, surprisingly, my question was printed almost word for word (and you all know how wordy I am!) aside from chopping the last paragraph, I can't spot any paraphrasing... Here's what I sent back on 1/20/05, was still in my sent items...

Howdy, Salon Advice/Cary Tennis:

"Longtime reader, first time writer."

So, long story short? My wife is having an affair with a married man. We've been married 4 years, together 9. He's been married about 11 months, I've no idea of any history of his beyond that. My wife and I are getting a divorce, though I was willing to (attempt to, at least) forgive and forget in the interests of our child, our history and our marriage and try the counseling and support route, she has decided she has no interest. She maintains the affair has nothing at all to do with the divorce, that the marriage was broken for 2 years and this is just a recent development. I maintain that that may all be true, but if she wasn't in the fantasy of an affair, she might make a more rational evaluation of the choices we have - divorce, counseling, therapy, etc.

But, that's not the advice I seek. I struggle with whether or not to tell the married man's wife.

Friends and others are split about 80/20 on this. Most say some version of, "She has a right to know, and I'd want to know." Both of which I agree with, but, that's not my decision to make.

The other 20% say it's none of my business, she'll figure it out on her own, and what if she goes crazy and harms herself, her husband, my wife? I think I could be a help to this woman in a legal sense for certain, as I have ample legally admissible and incontrovertible proof of the affair. I worry she may get pregnant thinking she's in a perfect marriage.

Of course I'm also aware I can't be objective enough about my motives - my own satisfaction in ending my wife's affair, "punishing" him, exposing the affair to everyone who thinks somehow the divorce must be my fault, and so on.

I've got an "anonymous" blog online and this topic has been pretty biggest comment-generator since inception. I get loads of conflicting advice, testimonials, and other input from both sides…I have a professional therapist who is generally against the idea of telling the lover's wife, but can't really articulate why, other than 'it's not your place.'

So - thoughts?

Please let me remain anonymous, of course, though I understand you'd want to know this is a real situation from a real person, so I'll send from my "professional" address...

(LOL. I just noticed, he DID correct my typo above where I wrote, "has been pretty biggest comment-generator...')

It's a start...

2005-02-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

Peak oil.

It's real. Google it, I dare you.

The point is to have new technologies online BEFORE we have to fight Armageddon in the Middle East or Siberia for the last few wellheads.

Anyway, things like this...I mean, if the ocean as a power source ever runs out, we'd have a few more serious problems on our hands than not enough juice for our TiVo's and fax machines.

US Cities Eye Ocean Waves for Power Supplies

I've only been hearing about this for 10 years now. But if Wall Street sees an upside, maybe something will actually start to happen.

Woohoo. And I didn't even need to send them to myself!

2005-02-14T12:47:00.000-05:00

So, I sent RHA some flowers last week. It was kinda cute, y'know, I sent them so she'd get them on Thursday, as an early Valentine's surprise.

It was a nice arrangement too, I just went to see if I could post a link to it on 1800flowers.com but it's not there anymore. Must have sold out?

Anyway, today, what do I get at work?

And I'm not one of these macho types who thinks that's uncool. No way, I'm grinnin' like a fool here... :)

Card says, "To our first of many Valentine's Days...Love Always, RHA."

(stop trying to zoom in and read her name, people! :) )

The card I sent her, by the way, was, "Since I got my Valentine's Day gift early - the day I met you - I wanted yours to be early, too. Happy Valentines Day, Love, JD"

It was awesome. She said everyone at work made a huge fuss over her, kept coming in to look at 'em, said it was great how happy she looked, etc. Really made ME feel great that I could have made her so happy. And it was a good week, too - tho I'd ordered them the week before and had no idea, her hospital got it's surprise Department of Health inspection last week, so it was hellish and stressful and all that...and in her position, pretty much ANY complaint or deficiency gets laid at her door, since she's the director of social work and is basically the "advocate" for the residents and is supposed to know everything that goes on, as unlikely as that obviously is.

Anyway, it was good timing and she was really thrilled and so I was very happy. I didn't expect flowers for myself, tho. ;)

Oh, now that I'm done braggin'...happy Valentines's Day to everyone, too! :)

In The Spirit of the "Letter Never To Be Sent..."

2005-02-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've had this desire to lash out at EL a bit, laugh at her even, rub it in, be spiteful.

I think in some ways I'm above that, but obviously in a lot of ways clearly seen on this blog over the last 4 months, I'm not above it at all.

So, here's my mental release exercise. Here are all the things I'd like to say, that I most likely, never will.

If it helps, let's think of this as "The Letter / Conversation I'll have with EL after the paperwork is signed." But in reality I don't think I'd ever give it to her / tell her this stuff. For a variety of reasons:

Fear of the consequences (legal)

Fear of the consequences (EL's mental state)

Not wanting to be spiteful

Wanting to stay "above it all"

Not wanting to stoop to my baser instincts

Not seeing the point in berating or belittling her more than I already have

Having the wisdom to realize all this is just MY opinion and really isn't worth shit past that no matter how sound or logical it may seem to me

Seeing that it ultimately does nothing but makes me the asshole.

OK, that said, let 'er rip.... Wow, is this ever a screed. A diatribe. A flat out ass-raping humiliation-o-fest, but fuck it, it's just therapy...

EL:

You know, lately, there are so many things I've come to realize. So many things I want to tell you...that I just can't keep quiet because, well, I need to say them for my own sanity.

I have come a long way in all this. I've gone from blaming myself, to blaming you, to realizing it was mutual - but then back to, in the main, blaming you.

Do you know, I feel sorry for you now? I no longer feel love, or desire, or regret, or much guilt, or shame.

I feel compassion, and pity for you. I also feel you're getting exactly what you deserve.

You might want to look up the term "Schadenfrude." I know, I'm a prick who likes to use "big words" to make people feel stupid - in your eyes. In my eyes, I'm someone who's intelligent and articulate and makes his living with words, so, it's my job to know a lot of them just like it's your mother's job to know a lot of diseases of the elderly and your job to know about the products you sell, and my brother's job to know how to...whatever the hell you have to know how to do to be a network engineer...

So, I'll no longer feel bad because I happen to have a vocabulary. It's who I am. It's my job, and it became my job because it's my nature. One of the joys of vocabulary is know just that right word to get the whole heart and soul of meaning across.

So anyway, "Schadenfreude."

I won't deny there's a twisted satisfaction in watching you slowly come apart at the seams.

You baked this cake, now you get to eat it. I hope you enjoy every last bite.

Cruel and spiteful? Yep. Meant from the heart? Probably not, but meant from that part of my heart that was so beaten up by all this that I spent 2 months believing everything that ever went wrong was all my fault. From that part that even at Thanksgiving still thought I could look beyond all this and save our marriage. From the part that will never REALLY forgive you for throwing all of our life away and dooming The Boy to a life of divorced parents, for your own pathetic desire to feel......what?

We don't know, do we? You really don't know what you're looking for or what you are trying to accomplish, do you? I don't feel you ever thought this through, and I don't feel you have a clue as to what you really want and need.

And I'm not saying I do. I don't have any idea what is so fundamentally damaged in you that you try to substitute sexual attention for love, sexual chit-chat and fantasy for true intellectual stimulation/satisfaction, divorce for "freedom", flirting for genuine interest.

But I know there is something very sick going on with you. Sending yourself flowers 3 days in a row, with fake cards signed with the name of a person you dated once...is very unhealthy. Trying to make a married man jealous of another guy YOU are seeing (not that you really are of course) is sick and twisted. And, sorry to say, pathetic.

I once loved you, I once respected you. It still hurts me to see you lower yourself, make yourself some guy's whore, debase yourself and act so foolish, pathetic, naive and hopeless as to try such things.

He's MARRIED EL! MARRIED! He's NOT going to be jealous of some other guy in your life, he's going to be RELEIVED that there's someone there to take the heat off him.

OG is sweating his ASS off anymore, now that you are single with your own place...you even gave him a KEY! He's completely freaked now, he knows you suddenly expect him to spend more time with you and he just can't do that. He can't because he never wanted to and certainly doesn't now. You know that on some level, somewhere, you have to know the truth.

You are his piece of ass on the side, and he has no intentions of ever making you anything else. Why should he? He gets all the sex with none of the baggage. Just like he gets it from other women in his life. I don't really know that, but I'm pretty sure. I do know he sent his wife AND another woman flowers for Valentine's day...but not you. Will he be spending Valentine's day with you? Of course not. Oh, maybe a quick nooner at your place, maybe a gift of lingerie or something.....but probably not that. Just the nooner. Because he knows - you'll buy the lingerie and put it on in a desperate attempt to hold his attention past his orgasm.

So after the nooner, back to work, then out that night with his wife. He'll tell you how much he hates going out with her, how awful it is, how she nags or whatever...but, funny, he always seems to do it anyway. Never seems to want to just say, "Hell with her, I don't care what she thinks, I'm going to see you tonight, my love..." Why is that? You know why. Look at yourself in the mirror and see if you can admit it - because you know you're his diversion and that's all.

Let's talk, for a moment (sorry family who may read this...) about home made porn. Yes, I've seen several of the photos OG has taken of you.

Couple questions?

One: Why is it his face never appears...have you given any thought to that at all? He's happy to make sure YOUR face is visible, along with his rather undignified looking unit, but not his. He's also happy to forward your pictures around to all his friends, did you know that? And why not, not like there's anything identifiable of HIM in them - though his wife just might recognize his anatomy.

Two: Look at your face in these pictures, your posture, your body language. Now look at the ones taken by you and your husband back in 1996. What's the biggest difference you see?

If you answered, "my body" then I really do feel bad - it shows that that is all you really see even of yourself. That that's all you expect anyone else could ever see, either.

But you know what I notice? Not your body - anyone would look a bit different 8 years and a 7lb baby later, wouldn't they?

Nope - look at your eyes, and your body language. What do you see? In 1996 I see a person aglow with fun, fire, and passion. Mirth as well as heat in your eyes, playful expression, natural beauty. Excitement and playfulness in having a good time where a camera just happens to be involved as well.

In 2005 I see desperation in your eyes, too much makeup, a false unnatural smile, and body language that says, "I'm uncomfortable as hell, but this is how I'll get noticed, this is how I'll feel good about myself."

Surely some of that is my own perception, of course. But...not all. Were I to clip a "face shot" or two from both sets of pictures, and put them somewhere, and not explain why but ask for 100 random people to do a sort of psychology experiment, "Describe the emotions this woman is feeling" - I'm pretty sure one picture would tilt heavily towards, "fun, excitement, desire, mischieviousness" and the other towards, "sadness, hopeless, desperate, alone."

Why do you feel that way? What are you trying to accomplish? I really don't know. I do know that I no longer want to be part of your experiment. I think you need to get some help for yourself, because you are heading for the crash of your life, and do you really think your mother, the OG, or your friends (the ones who know the truth about OG are scum, and the ones who don't - how are you going to tell them?) will support you and help you through it when it happens? I don't.

"Good luck with all.... that....."

I'm happier without you. I was happy dating even though it is (was?) a stressful and weird new experience. I'm happy in my job again, or at least getting there. And of course now that I've met RHA, no matter if it's a "rebound" thing or not.....it's honest, it's open, it's real, and it's wonderful.

You know what you are missing out on, EL? Everything that makes a relationship truly worth having. The ability to call your mate whenever the mood strikes you, whether your mate be home or work or mobile. I can call RHA at home, at work, on her cellphone any time I wish.

You're missing the joy of being in love and sharing it with everyone around you. I had flowers sent to her at work today, and didn't have to make a fake card. She called me at home to tell me how happy she was, I missed the call, so when I called back - I had her paged over the loudspeaker and the receptionist was giggling the whole time. RHA's friends, and mine, are constanly telling us how happy we look all the time. How thrilled they are for us.

You are missing out on going out in public. Have you noticed, maybe, that OG doesn't seem to take you out as you're accustomed to? That when he does, it has to be with a group of friends - some who may know what's going on, some who may not - but never can you walk down the mall, hand in hand, laughing and holding on and having fun looking in each other's eyes with love.

You are missing out on being introduced, and introducing, your mate to other people as, "This is my boyfriend, OG" and "This is my girlfriend, EL." You can't go to a restaurant together for a quiet meal, a glass of wine, and a few hours of warm quiet conversation about love, respect, the future, the past.

You are missing out on being able to share small public displays of affection that are the closest our society allows to the desire that we often have to stand up on a table, and shout to the whole restaurant or bar or food court, "This is my RHA! I LOVE her! You don't know what you're missing, suckers! She loves me too! We're CRAZY for each other and we don't care who knows it, because we have the power and the passion of the madly in love electrifying every cell in our bodies!"

Hell, you're missing out on really shouting that if you really felt like it, which, if you are truly in love - you would want to do, every day, and sometime you just might do it because no heart can hold in that much emotion forever.

You are missing out on spending the night in your lover's arms, in a warm bed with a big fluffly comforter over the top of the two of you, the sweet sensation of skin on skin and shared body heat giving you that warm, all over feeling of utter contentment, happiness, belonging.

What do you get? Furtive quick nooners or evenings with a lover who has to leave your apartment in time to get home at an hour that won't make his wife suspicious.

You have to sit in your living room and watch OG make sure his clothes are straight, that there are no hairs of the wrong color or length clinging to him, that no traces of makeup or perfume or worse are anywhere on him. Listen as he brushes his teeth carefully, or chews gum, or otherwise covers up the smell of what's been going on. How does it make you feel to know he has to hide all that from everyone else?

But I walk happily - even, dare I say, swagger cockily - out of my dear RHA's house at 8AM with my disheveled hair and wearing last night's clothing with a secret (or not so secret, beaming in fact) smile on my face, hand in hand with my love, with nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Sharing a last kiss on the doorstep before we leave for work. Knowing confidently we're in love and all is right with the world. Whereas you or OG slinks out of whatever place has become the seat of lust for the last few hours, avoiding eye contact with those around you, wondering if "they know", wondering what it all means to you - how does he really feel? When will we be able to be together and stop the charade?

Self-righteous? No, my dear - that's what you SHOULD feel when you're in clean, honest love. It's hardly self-righteous of me to say that you should be ashamed of yourself for what you are and what you do with OG. No society on Earth that I'm aware of, no civilization anywhere, even implies an adulterer should have no shame.

So you may be saying, "So what? This is just a fling. It was fuck-buddies, nothing more. OG isn't why I left you, OG isn't anyone I really think I want to be with."

Besides the fact that your actions CLEARLY speak louder than your words...by which I mean, $200 in flowers to try to play mind games, and expensive lingerie, and self-porn pictures taken and sent to other men and women in hopes of gaining that elusive threesome partner you think you need to provide for OG to keep him interested.... No, besides that fact - what if you DO end it with OG and attempt to find a "real" mate?

Will it ever be the same? Will you ever be able to look at that mate and say, this was a much better choice than staying with the father of my child, the husband of 9 years, the friend and companion?

I won't, as a part of me will always wish that somehow it hadn't turned out this way. But I will love and respect and cherish the new person in my life, and I will do that because I will know, in my heart that I tried. That I didn't want this, not when it started. That I was willing to try to fix a marriage that was not a bad thing.

Then I will look into my new love's eyes and feel the joy and completeness that comes with love untainted by second thoughts or what could have been. Because I will know that I tried. I may have failed, but I tried. I will bask in the love and warmth and energy of a new love and a new life, learning from the past and loving the present. I will look back, in bittersweet memories, and forward to a future unscarred by those memories, knowing I am happier and better off and a better partner to my new love.

I will not lie to myself and pretend I have no regrets, as you keep telling yourself and anyone you can make listen - and it rings hollow. You protest too much. You know full well what you had, what you threw away, and the empty stupid selfish reasons you did it.

Will you ever find your self-respect again? Will you always feel the mark of adultery on you? I don't mean a one night stand or even a brief affair - but the deeply burned mark of shame that comes from months of being the "other woman." You once made the laughable statement, "Anything that makes me this happy - can't be wrong."

Really? And what about now, when you realize, you're not happy being the piece of ass on the side anymore? Did it just BECOME wrong, or, do you now realize it was wrong all along?

A moment of weakness can be understood. Even a brief affair, lost in the fantasy...can be understood. But not 4 months of whoring yourself to a married man....that's not to be forgiven. You knew full well what you were doing, after a few weeks the excusable moment of weakness becomes an inexcusable, willful, immoral, disgusting display of lust, ignorance, and callousness.

You may have thought our marriage was over, but it wasn't. It is now. It has been ever since I came to the realization that most of the things you accused me of were convienent excuses to behave the way you wanted. Excuses you could tell yourself, your family, your friends.

I don't know what your real motives are - you probably don't know yourself, and you refuse to even consider having a counselor or therapist help you explore them and find them. But the outcome was that you wanted some sexual/emotional fulfillment you weren't getting from me, so you set about finding it elsewhere and used whatever justification for that you could find.

Our marriage was fixable. The problems were so common, so ordinary, and so resolvable.

I don't deny them, I don't even deny many of them were "my fault" in terms of things I was doing or not doing that I should have figured out a lot sooner.

But how hard would it have been to talk to me about them, to try to see what could change. You had no interest in that, none, and to me that speaks volumes.

It means you have no respect for yourself, or our son.
It means you preferred giving up to working on it.
It means you sought out excuses instead of solutions.

I don't want to be married anymore, EL. You have made me realize a few things, things people have been telling me since the beginning:

You really don't love me, or you wouldn't have acted the way you did. (Well, to your credit I guess actually, YOU did say all along you didn't love me anymore. I was the one who couldn't believe it. So, I take that one back. I did realize it, but by your actions, not your words.)

I am mentally healthier without you.

I can get more personal fulfillment with somone else.

I deserve better than you in a mate.

I am not the bad person you made me out to be, and I believed. I did a pretty good job of convincing myself and half the people who read my blog that I really was an out of control rage-maniac on the verge of a murderous rampage. Where the hell did that come from? How did you manage to debase me to the point I actually believed that so deeply about myself? I've been analyzed to hell and back the last 4 months by professionals, amateurs, friends, and strangers, and about 3 people have felt I had any violence or control issues.

I am human, I have failings, but I will learn from them and improve.

Remember the letter I wrote you in November? The one where I talked about how I was going to make the positive changes in my life I needed to make, for myself, for The Boy, and you could share in them if you'd just have given the effort to try? Guess what - time for me to gloat.

One nice thing about my weblog is the historical aspect of it. Let's see, concisely, these are the things I said:

"I'm improving my physical health."

Damn straight. Under 230# now, awake and alert more than before. Actually HAPPY sometimes. A new man at work. The goals I set for myself aren't here yet - not really getting enough exercise yet, but the rest are - only 40lbs to lose by August to make that goal...that's a pound a week. It's in the bag. I found out my "resting pulse" goal was a bit unrealistic...it's currently at 70 and that's fine. BP hasn't moved a millibar from 120/70 since I started this. Cholesterol I don't know but I'll have that next week. If it didn't move dramatically, then, I guess I'll need meds because I eat almost NO dietary cholesterol and almost no fats.

"I've taken steps to improve my mental state."

Shit yeah. Happy most of the time now. And not just since I met RHA either, though damn right that's helped. The physical health has had a direct impact on this. I feel better all day long. I"ve got energy. I feel alive. People who barely noticed me before flirt with me openly now - and I think that's the confidence and attitude that comes with mental/physical health more than any outward physical appearance differences. The ADD medication and the Prozac combined with the diet, the changes in my attitude, and so on have made a dramatic difference. I don't know who I am anymore half the time.

"I'm noticing you and The Boy and what you mean to me more than before."

Well, obviously, not you so much. Unless you count that I've come full circle and noticed you for the person in need of help that you are. But The Boy? Well, again, I'm not sure this "goal" was entirely fair because I look back now, and his relationship with me was always fine. You had me thinking I damaged my son somehow by working so hard I wasn't home 'till 7, and going downstairs to play with my computer once it was time for him to go to bed. That may have been an awful way to treat YOU, but not him. What has happened since though is we're ever closer. I know you've noticed, too, haven't you? Now when he gets hurt, he doesn't look for "Mommy" he looks for whichever parent he's with - so, half the time, me. "I missed Daddy!" "Daddy, kiss it make it better!" "Daddy I want a hug!" are things I hear every day now. Didn't hear them so much before, not because they weren't true, I don't feel, but because when we were together, he naturally gravitated toward you. So you ARE responsible for he and I getting closer that we might've been under other circumstances. Regardless, my relationship with my son is an amazing thing that cannot get better.

"I'm dressing better to feel better about myself and possibly earn more respect from my coworkers and my wife."

Bought new clothes after Christmas that are loose already. Tucked into my new jeans, a new shirt now forms a sraight line from my chest to my thighs. The gut-line is gone. :)

Vain and shallow sounding? Fuck you, I earned it with every goddamn calorie I didn't eat and every extra glass of water I drank.

You could have been the beneficiary of all that, but frankly, I'm glad you aren't, now.

You are going to realize it soon.

You. Fucked. Up.

I've seen you and talked to you a few times lately, EL, and you know, you look and sound like shit, no offense really intended. I say that with pity and concern. You are miserable and angry and we both know why - you fucked up. It's too late to save your marriage, but not yourself - call a counselor or a therapist, your work's help line, your pastor....something.

You had it all, and you pissed it away. You HAD the dream romance you wanted, you just didn't know how to nurture it. The fire was out but the spark was there and we could have built it up again.

But now I realize, I would have been foolish to try. You cannot hide your true nature forever. Mine is not the black thing you make it out to be - but yours is. "The fantasy of the affair" is no longer an excuse for the dark, rotten part inside you that allows you to be this way. Nobody can carry on the way you have and blame it all on someone else or living in a fantasy. You are what you are.

I really don't feel "better" having written all this, but I do feel cleaner, and free.

Good luck. Really - get some help, will you please? If you don't know you need it, then I'm even MORE worried about you. Nobody could be in that much denial.

-JD

--------------------

Wow, I'm fuckin' awful. But, it did need to be done. I'll never send it, hell I wasn't sure I'd even POST it, but what the fuck else did I write it for.

In fact, I think, this entry I'm gonna make the only one I constantly re-edit on the fly as the mood strikes me, and update the date/time on it. So....whenever I think of that particularly good point, cutting jibe, or insulting observation, I'm gonna open this up and add it in.

Man, I don't want to THINK how long this rant'll be in a month if I do that.

Sorry for the long post, been working on this one a few days now.

Some updates....

2005-02-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

Things are still slow in the angst department. :) Just not a lot of stuff to talk about.

But it did occur to me that in it's role as a journal of dates/times/discussion, I should pop in an update in about EL and me talking on Sunday.

We finally put some things down on paper in terms of what we want in our seperation of property and custody agreements.

Property-wise, she continues to concede everything except the house equity.

So:

We each keep our cars, debts, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. None of that was ever held jointly anyway in a "title" sense, only in the legal sense of joint property. So, it's all very logical who gets what there's really nothing even to argue over - we both know who owns what without really having to quibble. Very little in the house was ever a "collective" gift to both of us, almost every single item in the home has a rather obvious "owner." (again, in the familiar sense. Legally yeah it's all joint property but we're not arguing over anything. The curtains was the biggest issue...lol)

Furniture and such, has already been divided without any hassles.

So, really, it came down to the house. She seemed to not care, she just said, "Look, just give me a number and stick to it." So, I said, how about $5000 to buy you out. She said "fine" without blinking an eye.

I definitely feel I'm coming out ahead, not that I don't DESERVE to with all of this, so, good.

Custody, we also aren't arguing. She threw out "what about 3 days 2 days instead of 4 days 3 days" and I don't think she really meant anything sneaky about that, just that her simple little brain can't handle any of the complicated arrangements I offered so that it wouldn't always be the same days each week.

She really kept saying that. I was like, "Why don't we set it up like it goes 4/3/3/2 and then repeats."

She constantly said, "That will be too complicated." WTF? Ruining her whole life was easy, but remembering the order 4/3/3/2 is complicated? Especially considering we can just get two wall calendars (I happen to have two free ones from the drugstore right here on my desk!) and just write out all of 2005 on the calendar. I INSIST on doing something like that anyway so we can both schedule doctor appointments and things of that nature ahead of time.

I think I need to push back on that a little.

We agreed that the child support DOLLARS will be calculated as if he is spending 182 days with each of us, as in, 50/50 time. Even if in reality we agree to a different amount of time per parent.

The only other thing we had anything even remotely resembling an argument about is who gets to claim The Boy's tax deduction. Again her logic is so ass-backwards...at least, I think?

She says, "Well, you get the house so you'll get that big deduction, so I should get to claim The Boy."

I'm thinking - what's the logic there? You'll have your own house someday if you want one, but we only have one son. I'm keeping the house, sure, and I'm keeping all the mortgage that goes with it, which is what the tax break is for!

I'm also thinking - I'm the parent who's paying the other parent child support dollars. Doesn't that mean I should have him on my tax return, since I'm the one paying out the money?

Frustrating. So we didn't really agree on anything there, though we will ask the lawyers what is "normal" in a case like this.

So, I also ask anyone reading this - what do YOU think? What "usually" happens with a child's tax deduction in these cases?

All other things are the same. To answer a few comments on the last entry:

EL is going to turn 30 in a month. I turned 35 in December.

RHA, by the way, turned 28 in December. I've already commented, though, how that had me concerned but now I'm feeling it's gonna be alright.

SH asked some stuff about The Boy - he is holding up fine. Luckily, and it makes it a lot easier. He does seem to be a little too young to really grasp the significance of him living at "Mommy's house" some days and "Daddy's house" other days.

He knows we both love him very much and so he's doin' alright. When he's with me he doesn't miss his Mommy really, and I hope that's the same when he's with her.

The grandparents are still a pain in my ass - for example, my mother in law continues to feed him FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS for breakfast in the morning.

I pack him a baggie of cut banana slivers and cut grapes, and some toast for him to eat on the way to their house, and when I get him there, she takes that away and gives him a bowl of marshmallows.

That is going to stop, I am talking to EL tonight and explaining that from now on, I'm not leaving my house with The Boy until he's already eaten a nutritious breakfast.

So....EL is self destructing and it's painful to watch, but I no longer care anywhere near as much. She's still treating The Boy OK and he's all I care about now. EL will have to drag her own self out of the gutter someday, or not, but I can't help her.

SH also asked if I think get getting help back 3 months ago might've changed things, especially if I'd told the guy's wife. I don't know, but you wanna hear something, everyone?

Listen closely...

Guess what. Im fucking GLAD I didn't get back together with her. I'm GLAD my delaying telling his wife might've made it so we can not be married ever again. Hell yes.

NO, that's not just my "I'm happy dating RHA" voice talking either. Don't think I don't know that, much as I want it to be true love forever with RHA, it migth not fall apart in 3 months as we (or just one of us, God forbid) decide it was all a rebound... So I'm well aware not to fall into the whole, "I found a soulmate, screw EL" fantasy.

Nope...it's just....no way, people. No WAY could I stay married. I've seen her, and her family, and her friends, and a lot of other people and situations for what they truly are.

In fact, I'm starting to consider the possibility that ALL of this shit about what an abuser, bad husband, etc. I was is just bullshit. Complete bullshit.

Neglectful husband? Guilty.

But the rest, I don't even buy any of it anymore. She's been depressed and unhappy for a long time, sure. Some of that due to me and my taking her for granted, my laziness around the house, and so on. But......from the get-go she's tried to fill that unhappiness with everything except the one thing that might have worked - hard work and self-analysis and working with her husband to fix it.

Instead, she's acted like a stupid teenager. Affair with the married guy. Disregarding his wife's feelings completely I might add. Sexual experimentation. Alchohol. Cybersex. Arranging to meet people in hotels for sex - which, pardon me for being a know-it-all, but I think she is DAMN LUCKY that never did work out for her and she kept getting "stood up." Refusing to see reality - that the married guy never intended to leave his wife, and other things she's denied herself the ability to see. Blaming me, letting her mother blame me, taking no responsibility for anything. Taking trips with her mother and son and leaving her husband at home. Not once trying to talk to her husband about any of this.

LOL - not that some of you who've been reading the blog for 4 months haven't been trying to tell me (some of) that all along! But it's finally sinking in.

I will never stop saying I could have been a better husband, worked harder, taken my family for granted less. But when it came down to it I wanted to fix it and she didn't.

Now, I guess it's my turn. I don't want to fix it anymore. I realized, holy FUCK, I'm happier alone. The Boy is doing OK. He and I are happier and closer than ever. My job is slowly coming back around. My personal "fulfillment" is back.

I was at the shrink yesterday and in talking about the medication and stuff it was a pain - I cannot figure out how to attribute any of these good feelings.

Is it the medication?
Is it just time healing wounds?
Is it the therapy?
Is it the new diet / healthy body?
Is it the new outlook on my job and work/life balance?
Is it the confidence of going on dates with really fun, smart, attractive women and having meetings of the mind?
Is it the closer relationships with friends and family?

I'm not obtuse, obviously, it's some combination of all these factors...but things are lookin' up. I don't WANT EL around anymore. I am glad she's gone, and that's not just bitterness or spite, that's the simple truth.

But anyway, with all the positive changes and mood changes, it's hard to tell if the meds have had any affect.

The ADD medication, in fact, DEFINITELY has. I should have mentioned, I admitted to my shrink that I combined meds to up my dose to 54mg and it made a difference, so she trusted me enough to just write me the scrip for that. (She and I both knew that even if I had just said, "I dunno, the Concerta seems to help a tiny bit now that you upped it from 18 to 36..." she'd just have upped it to 54 anyway.)

I am more focused at work, more alert, and the only side effect I've noticed from that is a lack of appetite which, if you ask me, is just one more benefit! No problems sleeping, no problems waking up. Er, no more than usual, anyway. In fact even THAT is easier as now I set my alarm an hour early, take the med when it goes off, and that way in an hour, I can't sleep if I wanted to. (No, it's not like "speed", I'm not dependant on the stuff, but it amps up the brain just enough to make sleep seem as boring as it really is...but this trick doesn't work if I had less than a fair 7-8 hours sleep, so, I don't feel this is an unhealthy "trick" or anything...)

The Prozac on the other hand...I dunno. I know it's hard to tell - do I feel so much better in general because of all those things listed, above and not the Prozac? OR, did the Prozac allow that list of things above to be things that made me feel better?

Hard to say, but in any case, doc knocked it down 10mg back to 30 so we'll see in a few weeks. My bet? It's not the Prozac, and I'll not notice any difference.

OK this turned into the typical long rambly entry. Time to leave, going to RHA's tonight.

(I've been at work adding a paragraph at a time to this in between editing lessons....see, I AM more productive!! :) )

This is what I'm talking about...

2005-02-06T20:49:00.000-05:00

I know, I know... What EL does no longer concerns me. I shouldn't care, it's none of my business, etc.

And, trust me - I feel nothing for her anymore. I don't want to be married. I'm actually kinda grossed out by looking at her now, I discovered today.

"Nothing" wasn't the right word, as I've been saying for awhile now...I feel pity, remorse, and I wish she'd get herself some help. I wish she'd find whatever it is in herself she needs, and get it taken care of.

Why am I saying this?

For 3 days now, she has sent herself flowers at work, with fake cards signed by a nonexistent person.

First one said, "Hope this cheers you up and you feel better. -David."
Second one said, "Another day."
Third one said, "Please reconsider - David." That one has special instructions to deliver it to the receptionist. Presumably so the gossip could get around the office and reach The Other Guy's ears. Maybe the 1st two got brought right to her cube or something and he wasn't properly jealous. So this encompasses Thursday, Friday, and tomorrow.

How am I so sure there is not really a "David' sending these? Pretty simple - the orders are placed by my wife, EL, billed to her credit card, and sent to her at work.

How do I know this? Because I've seen the email confirmation receipts. I don't want to get into a big long story, so let me just simplify by saying, the account she's ordering them from at 1800flowers.com sends the receipts to my Email address, because it's actually my account. She's billing them to her own credit card but she seems to not realize that the account itself was set up by me, so I'm the one getting the confirmation.

So...I'm worried about her sanity at this point. She's lost it, completely and totally lost it, and the timing is very bad for her indeed as I have NO INTEREST in going back now.

Bed made. She's lying in it.

So, more about my RHA...

2005-02-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks to you all for the reality check, as I commented on the last entry at the end. This is why I have a blog, to make sure I'm not nuts. I do NOT want a chorus of rubber stamps, I want people to tell me flat out, "you're acting nuts" vs. "you're doing OK."

Just as if you were my "real life friends" I guess it's time to tell you a little about this new woman in my life, RHA. We've gone "exclusive" now, the few other women I was dating socially are moved into the "friend" column quite firmly. Some were really nice and I felt like they might have potential, but the magic and the spark and the chemistry with RHA overwhelms those feelings. With her it doesn't feel like it "might have potential" but in fact it feels like a bolt of lightning to the brain, a shot of adrenaline to the heart, a slap upside the head with the goofy stick. :)

Initially, I was a little reluctant to write to her, but I thank my Karma every day that I did. It was the payoff for the last 4 months of pain, of this I have no doubt. I remember 3 1/2 months ago I wrote, after some people said "your blog helped me clarify my thoughts about my own affair, and decide to work on it with my husband before it was too late" saying that I felt absolutely wonderful and inspired that my pathetic little sobbing blob could do that, and I plaintively said, "But where's the Karma payoff for me...when does it come back around?"

Of course, at the time, I thought it meant I should be getting some positive karma in fixing my life with EL. Now I realize, it just meant someday I'd be happy again.

Well, anyway...I was reluctant because I'm just turned 35, and she has just turned 28. I thought there was NO WAY I was going to get involved with someone younger again. Hell, that's a year and a half younger than EL! And maturity was such a big issue with all that, well, I didn't want that particular burn again.

But RHA was different from the start, and had enough information in her "profile" (yes, this was an Internet personal ad thing, I'm not defensive about that really - it was the best way to meet a particular "type" of person looking for similiar goals, namely, just relaxed social dating with no overtones...) that I felt we should at least talk.

She's 28, but she's divorced herself. She was with her ex 9 years - same as me and EL. He also had an affair. He really WAS a control freak, literally had OCD - wouldn't let her clean the house, or do the shopping, or wash the car, or what-have-you, because she "didn't do it right." Checked her work. Criticized it all. Freaked out over tiny diversions from routine. I didn't know all that at the time I first chatted w/her of course but what I'm saying it for is it shows me now that, she's l ived with a REAL control freak, she's not going to put up with that shit ever again in her life and if I have even a SHRED of that in me, she'll set my ass straight pretty quick...

So she has been divorced since July. She owns her own home now, sold her last house w/him. She's a professional person - got her master's in social work, is a licensed social worker and director of social work at a rehab hospital in a town nearby. I just do NOT have any immaturity issues here. She's got her shit together better than I do. :) Not to mention, obviously, a pretty damn good idea of the psychology involved in what we're both dealing with.

But, more...she's funny. She's witty. She's SMART, and in the right ways - not just "educated" but intellectual, opinionated, and philosophical. We have similiar politics, values, and goals in life. Similiar sense of humor. This is a girl who knew why my cat's name was Eric, after all! She suggested going to see Spamalot on Broadway not knowing I like Broadway shows in addition to Monty Python. :)

And, physically? She's beautiful. Makes me lightheaded just thinking about her. Skin like cream-dipped silk, long natural red hair, an adorable and perfect smattering of freckles, long, tall, and slim with legs that go up to her chin. ;) This is the perfect woman in mind, body and soul, my friends.

OK, am I gushing again? ;) Suffice it so say she made me dust off the creative cobwebs and compose a few Haiku which I haven't done since, oh, my wedding maybe? :) Yeah, I'm giddy and goofy and acting like a 17 year old again, and so is she, and we decided not to give a shit about it.

Against all logic, she seems to feel I'm a man she wants to be with...I don't know why, I don't know how, but I'm trying to be optimistic and remember there's more to me than I feel like right now. That may be best of all - she sees past all this pain and angst and reminds me of the man I was - still am, of course...and forget EL and her black, black heart.

OK...so...now you see why I worry sometimes, though. While all that sounds as wonderful as it is, what if she's just the first woman to make me feel this way, just because she IS the first woman to make me feel this way? Am I looking past things I don't see, flaws, etc. because I just want it to be good?

I don't think so, but you see, I worry. On the other hand, we spent from 9pm Friday to 10am this morning together, except for a 7 hour block from noon-7pm Saturday afternoon when we both had some errands to do and she had a big extended family function that she had to TELL them about me at, so, we didn't think it'd be too good an idea to make that the introduction day, too. And in all that time, it was never uncomfortable for a moment. Not. One. Second. Silences are not awkward. Conversation is natural, flowing, and full of life.

So...that's RHA. We seem to be a perfect match. We look in each other's eyes and feel all that magic you're supposed to feel. We know what the risks are and we feel we're foolish if we don't let ourselves have a chance at more than just "casual dating."

RHA Weekend

2005-02-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I struggle with entries now. How much to share, etc. This blog has always been about the marriage and the angst and the problems.

Right now, the only thing on my mind is RHA. It's moving too fast, I know it, but I don't care and neither does she.

We know we're defying conventional wisdom and the "common sense" approach - that thinking we're crazy about each other after knowing each other less than a month, is as stupid as what our spouses went through.

We know that we could be just "rebounding" in a big way.

We know that we can't trust our feelings, because we're both at the same point - done a little dating, but still very "bruised" from the divorce.

We know that we were both starved for attention, starved for good conversation and intellectual fulfillment, for passion and romance for months if not years...

But, there's a problem.

We also know that we love every minute we're together. That the magic and the chemistry is there. That we can talk for hours about nothing, and for hours about everything. That we talk about books, and science, and health, in addition to family, fun, emotions....

We know that there's so much in common, not just the easy cliche stuff like we like the same TV shows, movies, Disney, cars, music, and that our family histories (and divorce stories!) are so similiar. No, we are already at the stage where we know what the other is thinking before it's said. Where I go to her house and notice that she has a picture of me stuck on her monitor, and I have hers on my computer at work. Where neither of us is embarrased to know that about the other. :) Where we know when the other had a bad day from just reading an email or hearing their voice. So much more, you know? We connect. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

HAH. I read this back and see myself gushing on and on. But, this is suddenly where I am.

Fact is, despite that we both know how "dangerous" feelings like this are right now, we've decided we're adults, we're both smart and self-aware, so screw it, we're going to enjoy it and let it be what it is. Great rewards come at the risk of great pain, if we get hurt, well, we could get hurt every day some other way anyway.

My therapist tells me don't worry about it - that despite "conventional wisdom" saying not to get serious or involved so soon, it's bullshit - for all you know the first person you date could be "the soulmate" (to oversimply, not that I necessarily buy that whole terminology) so you'd be a fool to limit yourself.

What do you think, though? It does seem unlikely, doesn't it? Two people in the same stage of divorce, both only having dated a few people very "lightly" - suddenly feeling like they found the person they should have been with all along?

Well, the fact is I was with her last night and this morning (yeah, yeah...but let's not go there...) and will be tonight too, and tomorrow we're taking The Boy to Chuck E. Cheese's. And if I can see her every night next week, I will.

Am I in love? Yeah, I feel like it. So does she. We talk about it whether we "should" or not.

Crazy?

Got Kids? Gonna have some? Cheerful...

2005-02-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

I know, some people (mostly limited to a few square miles around Washington, DC and some AM Talk Radio stations) don't believe in Global Warming.

Doesn't really matter, of course, because Global Warming believes in them, and the rest of us.

Luckily, though (see my post a few down from here) today's generation of kids doesn't really care much about the First Amendment to the Constitution, so, stories like this one can be easily suppressed in the future as this stuff starts to happen.

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/environment/story.jsp?story=607254

Probably not a damn thing we can do about it, though. But not talking about it or pretending it isn't happening isn't helping either.

Email from a work friend, and my reply...

2005-02-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

______________________________________________
From: JD
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2005 1:09 PM
To: Eric; Dennis; Jordan
Subject: RE: Jiggle Phone

Reminds me of, I'm pretty sure something in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, where they talk about how the computer changes the radio station based on you just holding your hands up and moving them around as if there were dials…problem being that, once you found a station you wanted, you had to remain perfectly still or it would change everytime you moved.

_____________________________________________
From: Eric
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2005 12:54 PM
To: Dennis; Jordan; JD
Subject: Jiggle Phone

http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/ptech/02/03/shake.it.phone.ap/index.html

Eric

Thursday Silliness w/Blogspot

2005-02-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

Weird! Blogspot hadn't put up the "I'm WRECKED" post for some reason, so I typed up this little entry as a pre-amble, then copied the "Wrecked" post back to the end (since I now save them seperately for just such an occasion) and posted it.

And then? Whammo. BOTH "I'm Wrecked" posts I tried to make the other day showed up, plus this one.

So - last edit. You can now consider this entry to just be "Thursday Morning" update.

Anyway, I picked up The Boy, took him to Wegman's for some Chinese buffet and shopping, and of course to meet my darlin' RHA...they hit it off right away of course. They both have good taste in other people. :)

Aside: I know, it is not always a good idea to mix your children and new "friends" in your life. I wouldn't do this if The Boy was a little older, but right now he's at the age where everyone he meets is just a potential playmate for him and someone to socialize yet. If I am still single as he's getting older and starting to understand who these people are coming in and out (hopefully not, but y'know, just being realistic) of Daddy's life...I'll do that thing where I isolate him a lot more from that aspect and not introduce him to someone special until it's already a pretty solid relationship. But right now, he's just happy to have a new friend to show off for. :)

Was asleep by 10:30pm which is unusual for me.

Man, I am WRECKED...

2005-02-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

OK...so, little recap here...

I haven't updated this topic lately, but, work is still not going well. Overall I'm back, and reasonably engaged, but I know darn well I am NOT producing the desired level of output.

Had a long talk with my therapist on Monday on that subject, actually. To wit: I'm nothing if not self-aware, self-observant and reasonably objective. So I know DAMN WELL what I'm doing -- I'm engaging in purposely self-destructive behavior by slacking off at work and falling behind on goals and deadlines.

Why? I don't know. We had a brainstorming session and came up with various possiblities but the fact is I'm doing it and whatever the reason, I'm doing it willfully no matter how I might lie to myself that I'm not. I just....don't find myself working hard, or fast.

But...something finally "popped" yesterday and suddenly I got the motivation and drive back. I think I finally came to grips with the fact that, while I may miss being in front of a class of people, training - I'm actually in a MUCH better job for me right now. I don't know that I ever explained this, but I write training materials for the call center representatives at my company. Previously, I trained them.

Got the job completely on merit and proven track record, I might add. I have a Kiddie Kollege degree - as in, "Do you want fries with that Associate of Liberal Arts degree?"

If I lose this job, I'm not gonna find another one based only on my resume that will pay even within $15000 of this one. I've also got "flex time" meaning as long as I hit my deadline, it's OK if I come in late and work late, or come in early and leave early, or leave for a 2 hour legal appointment and make up the time at the end of the day, or the next day, or whatever. I can work at home in a pinch. Lotta flexibility I'm not gonna get anywhere else.

And I owe my company anyway. They did right by me the last 7 weeks, it's time for me to repay that...

So, anyway...to catch up...I came in at 7AM Tuesday morning.

Worked until 10PM Tuesday night.

Went over to RHA's house for some pizza, snugglin', and canoodlin'. Yes, I ate PIZZA! (I'm under 230# now by the way, on the way to 220# and thus within about 25# of my goal!)

Left RHA's house at 3AM. No, I won't kiss and tell. Oops, I just did?

Got home at 3:30AM and realized, fuck it, no point in going to sleep as if I do, I'll never wake up in time to get another 12 hour day in that I wanted to.

So, showered and changed clothes, went back to work by 5:30 AM. Am still here now, albiet now blogging at 4:30 and will be leaving after posting this....I definitely put in my hours!

I'm still nowhere near caught up to where I should be, but the thing that was really slowing me down is done and published. So, tomorrow I should make up a LOT of ground very quickly!

Now...thoughts on this...one thing I did that may not be the smartest thing - though I did look this up on the Web first before doing something stupid - in order to stay awake and focused, I doubled up on my ADD medication. Still under the "max dosage" and it's not particularly dangerous or anything....and it definitely had a positive effect. I'm not "wired" or anything, but I am focused and alert and productive. I kinda think, in other words, this is the dosage I should be on.

But - is my psychiatrist gonna freak out when I tell her this? Should I come right out and say, "I took 2 instead of 1 because I read on the Internet the max dosage was still below that amount, and I really did feel productive and alert and able to focus." Or...is she gonna label me a drug-seeking personality and/or worry about my true motives? Apparently this stuff CAN be physically addictive. I'm certain it's not in my case, as I skip it on weekends (per the shrink's advice that is) and could care less. I just don't wanna get her all "suspicious" but it definitely seems like the higher does is "right."

Anyway, be interested in some opinions - maybe I should just say, nah, still not feeling anything at the mid-level dose in hopes she bumps it up another level?

OK...well...time to get outta here and go pick up The Boy and get some grocery shopping done...and RHA is gonna meet us there.

Yeah, I'm giddy, eh? Excited to meet my new girl-friend (as opposed to girlfriend) for an exciting evening of grocery shoppin'. :)

Just for Shit's n' Giggles...

2005-02-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, it will still be awhile until I "make the switch" to the new blog, but I actually made sure the name I decided to use is available and quick snagged it.

So, for the heck of it, you can all try to guess what the new blog is and see if you can find it. If you do, though, don't post it here. Just post the "secret phrase" I posted in it's one and only entry so far to prove you found it first.

Hmm, actually, don't even do that, in case it shows up in Google. Just post the body part and animal mentioned in the sentence.

Y'know, like, "dog balls" or whatever.

(Yes, that WAS a reference to The Onion....)

So, start searching... obviously it's of the format:

http://???????????????????.blogspot.com

'nother Blog Moving update...

2005-02-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

Just to let you all know - I'm getting a lot of email, which is nice. :)

I want to let you all know I'm not responding to them as I get them or anything, I'm just adding them all to the Yahoo! address book and maybe once every couple days I'll send out a blanket "receipt" and when I do I'll post here that I did, so if you somehow got missed, you'd know.

I'm sorry to have made some of you ruin the mystery and decloak to me, rest assured, this Email address will be deleted as soon as this is all over so I'll never bother you or anything of that nature. I'm not even trying to remember any of the addresses.

However, please, if you want to be included...DO NOT JUST COMMENT.

Truthfully, the "comments" you post get emailed to me at a different address, so even if your address is in them, I'd have to copy-paste it over somewhere else and I'm afraid I'll forget or lose some or something.

So...if you'd like to follow the blog (and don't get your hopes up, if this happens in the next 2 weeks I'll be surprised... :) ) then:

EMAIL ME:

thebadhusband@yahoo.com

Thanks!

2005-02-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

OK, as usual, I read back that last entry and it seemed overly smug.

All in all, I was thinking, "See, this is exactly what EL always says - that I act like I know it all, that I'm arrogant, that I think I know better than her, that I think I know what she's thinking."
I'd be in denial if I said there wasn't some truth to that. Two things I have NEVER tried to hide about EL and me on this blog are that she has VALID OPINIONS on my "anger" and my "arrogance."

I never denied that. (I also never denied that I took her for granted and spent too much time ignoring my family in favor of computers, watching movies, and otherwise being wrapped up in my own crap, but that one isn't relevant right now. Just sayin', I never deny that I had some serious issues…)

But…in this case, I can defend myself. I DO think, in these cases, I know what's right and what's wrong, that I know at least somewhat what she's feeling and thinking, and why she's acting the way she is.

Remember, I've been talking to my own therapist a lot. Not that he'd presume to make a "diagnosis" on EL or anything, just, he agrees there is at least some merit to my thoughts. I've talked to some other marriage counselor types. I've talked to MANY of you from this blog, and others, who have been through this on ALL SDIES of the issue - the formerly wayward wives, the bad husbands, the good wives, etc.

I've read a few books. I've read a lot of websites. Lots of advice sites. Talked to dozens of people face to face about it.

OK? So…this is not just my own personal smug little arrogance talking when I say things like, "EL is heading for a bad crash, she is trying to fill some void in her life with random sex. She has some type of depression or self-esteem issues that cause her to act as if the only way she can attract a man is via sex."

These are real, valid, observations by me and others…and I say this not with smug arrogance (well, ok, there's some spiteful vindication, sure…but not only that…) but with real concern for EL in general. I don't want to see her get hurt this bad.

I don't want to see her end up with STD's. The Other Guy CLEARLY gets around, and one would expect at least some of the women he gets around with also get around, etc…so…this is not alarmist on my point.

Just in this blog, with the 50-odd daily visitors, I believe I've heard of 3 STD scares which, thankfully, all came to naught. (as far as I know?) So consider EL's odds for a bit.

Anyway…also, don't get the idea I'm some sexually repressed prude. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with a "swinger" lifestyle or an "open marriage" or any of those other types of relationships couples may choose to enter.

In the CIRCUMSTANCES, though, don't you agree that EL seems to be acting somewhat self-destructively? Is it really possible she woke up one morning, said, "I've been an unhappy wife for 2 years, and clearly the best thing to do now is engage in a swinger lifestyle while divorcing my husband without even trying any counseling, either to save my marriage, or even just for myself."

I don't think so. It may be a lifestyle that can be healthy and rewarding at times for some people, but in the manner she is carrying this out...well, it really seems she is trying to fill a void or solve a problem or escape or what-have-you, through this kind of behavior. She has consistently refused any counseling as well. I've given her my company's benefits line and info several times, always get the eye-roll and "there's nothing wrong with ME" in response.

So…anyway…that's where I'm coming from on this. I can be very smug and very arrogant, but in these last two entries, that's not my intention. I've just come a long way lately and now, while I NEVER want to be married to her anymore, I DO want her to get some sense of perspective over what she is doing, before she does permanent harm to herself or someone else. I still worry about her and wish she'd think about her course of action lately. If that's a "control thing" so be it…

I guess my analogy would be, if I saw my soon-to-be-ex-wife getting involved in drugs or alchohol, and was saying she should get help and realize it's not a solution to her problems…well, would that be a control freak issue? I don't think so. That's where I'm coming from on this. The fact that it's "sex" makes it hard to disassociate with my own jealousies, emotional reactions to the divorce, etc. But I think it's genuine…I just don't like to see the dangerous, psychologically and possibly physically harmful things she's doing.

Quick Note about Blog Moving

2005-02-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note, from some of the comments/emails I'm seeing:

Don't worry. I will make the switch well-announced to my "regulars" and you don't have to have been a commentor at any time to follow.

I admit that'll be EASIER if you say, "Hey, I'm the anon who always said..." but if you've never commented but have been one of the 60+ people a day reading the blog, I'd still like to invite you to follow along...but, I'm afraid, just between us (a little) the cloak of anonyminity has to drop. That's why I'm asking for an Email and some explanation of who you are and why you want to follow along.

It's not a "trick" I promise. :) Given some of the comments about me being a "stalker" or whatnot, I guess I could see where you might be paranoid, but...well...I've shared so much of my life with YOU the last 4 months, and when you come along to the new blog, you'll meet a lot more of "me" once the divorce and custody are over with...so...just give it a try.

I dunno if this is really going to work - I'm sure someone who wants to "rat me out" to my wife's lawyer will find a way anyway, but...I want to at least make the effort.

JD

So Why Don't I Post Anymore?!

2005-01-31T18:24:00.000-05:00

Well, anyone who's still checking into the blog these days, is probably really wondering, WTF happened to JD, anyway?

Fact is, nothing earth-shattering. It just seems like...there's nothing to blog anymore.

One part of it is that I've blogged myself out of the reason for this blog - The End of My Marriage? has become The End of My Marriage.

It's over and done. Took me 4 months to get here, but I can sincerely say, I do not want to be married to EL anymore. I've seen too much, I've read too much, I've observed too much.

Was she right all along in leaving? Hell no. I will never change my mind about that - the problems she had with our marriage were SO FIXABLE.

Hell, I've fixed most of them already:

I'm healthier at 225 lbs, WELL ahead of the schedule I set myself - I wanted to be 200lbs by August, at this rate, I will be 200lbs by April or maybe even sooner...depends if things continue as they are or it levels off again like it did after the first 30lbs.

Anger problem? Gone. Can I say this with absolute certainty? No, but, the few times I've felt angry enough to "rage out" like I used to, I've felt no urge to do so...even when completely alone. I count to 10, I sit down wherever I happen to be at the time, and I wait until it passes.

Laziness around the house problem? Well, can't swear this one is gone, but, it's a long way away from what it was. I mean, sure, a lot of that is just plain necessity - obviously, if I don't do the laundry, dishes, take out the trash, vacuum, etc...it wouldn't get done anymore at all. :) But will these habits continue in my future life? I"m pretty sure.

Neglecting my wife and taking our marriage for granted? Well, ok, clearly that one is no longer an option. But do I remember everyday what happened, and why? Yes. Do I even now remember to say "Thanks for watching him" when she has him for her 2 days? Sure do. Do I remember to include, "Hey, I appreciate that you could..." in an Email when discussing a favor one of us did for the other? I do. In my new relationships, do I work to keep communication open more than before? Yes.

I admit it's way too soon to "call" if any of those behaviors will continue, say, at the 4 year mark of a relationship, as if I'm ever lucky enough to be IN a longterm relationship again, well, only time will tell. But I at least bear the reminder of what will happen if I DON'T keep those behaviors up, so, sometime tells me I'll be better about it.

What I'm trying to say is...I still believe EL did a very dumb thing in throwing her marriage away right at the time I began to realize it was in trouble. But I no longer want her to "come back" or anything of the sort.

If anything, I sometimes wish she WON'T ever come to her senses now, because, I don't relish the pain it will cause us both if she does, and I reject her as I know I would.

Is this ego and hubris talking? No. There are already signs there. Certain conversations she has had with me, and others known to me, bear witness to the fact she is beginning to realize that divorce wasn't the best choice. That certain behaviors of hers since then have not been in her self-interest. That she realizes she's been used by the married guy. That she was pushed into a hasty decision based on outside pressures of her family (who only knew the half-truths she told them) and the married guy. And more.

That's another problem with the blog, here. I've blogged myself into a corner on one thing - I told myself I would never lie on this website. I have kept that pledge, except for one thing:

I have not always been completely honest how I come by all the info I come by. For legal reasons, I can't be.

But from this point on, if I were to talk about some of the things I KNOW are happening with EL and her boyfriend, and other people in both their lives...well, I'd be leaving myself wide open to some damaging legal stuff.

At the same time, I don't want to lie. And I don't want to omit some of the stuff I'd like to talk about.

So I've blogged myself into a corner. I can no longer use this as the outlet I want to, because I can't reveal what I know or how I know it anymore. Things are coming to a head, legally, custody hearing is in 2 weeks and division of property should be done around the same time.

But even then, most of my fantasies of "blowing EL out of the water" when all was signed and done, are just that - fantasies. On the one hand, I no longer feel the urge to do so...I KNOW for a FACT, now, that she has been naive, stupid, trusted the wrong people, etc. I no longer feel the need to hurt her over that. It serves no purpose.

Ultimate in "control freak" maybe, in that, now that I got the mental satisfaction I needed from all the sneaking and spying, I no longer give a crap about her or any of it. All that rationalizing I was doing to myself and to the blog audience WAS true - that once I found out to my satisfaction that I was right all along, I no longer felt the need to "prove" it to anyone. Yes, I see the "control freak" in that, but I know what is true - I was NOT like that before this began, and I will not be like that in the future.

Anyway, while the divorce and division of property/alimony issues are not changable once signed...the custody stuff is another matter. If I reveal things that are damaging to me, that would reflect on me as a "bad father" or "bad person" then they could later alter the custody arrangements, and I can't allow that to happen.

So...see the corner I'm in. If I keep blogging all the EL and JD divorce stuff, I leave myself open.

If I don't...why have a blog?

Fact is...EL is seriously self-destructive. I know this via incontrovertible proof now. Not hearsay, not suspicious behaviors, not implied things - I know because of things she has said directly to me, and others in my presence. Whether she really believes the things she says I don't know, but, she is clearly in need of mental help yet she consistently refuses to get any. She is going to get emotionally hurt, far worse than anything in our divorce ever could or would have caused. She is engaging in random sex with people she meets in chat. She has given a key to her apartment to the married guy, but asked him to please not take anyone else there without her. She is "cheating" on the married guy with other partners, and the married guy is "cheating" on her. She sends naked pictures of herself and the married guy to anyone who replies to her ad without any knowledge of who they are. Her full name is contained in the email address she sends them from.

In fact it's very clear she has been a fool. The married guy has at least two other women in his life fulfilling the same function as EL, but he appears to rate them higher in terms of the attention he gives them, amount of time spent there, gifts, and other things. As for his wife - he may talk an interesting game about how he doesn't love her and married the wrong person and other typical things, but he twists and turns and goes through incredible hassles to keep her clueless of what's going on, and lavishes her with gifts and attention as well. EL seems to get the scraps of time he has left, and is often jilted with other excuses. This is why she apparently finds it OK to "cheat" on him, yet she also talks about him constantly and asks anyone who will listen how to make a married man leave his wife for his lover. That she's constantly told, "It almost never happens, get over it" makes no impression because she is sure This Is Different.

-sigh-

Again, I cannot go into details, you simply must trust me that this is 100% true and factual. How I know this doesn't matter, and that I know much more I can't be more specific about you will just have to take on faith. Have I ever lied before, or said I KNEW something when I only suspected it? No. Trust me, or don't I don't care, but, I am only writing what I KNOW, not merely what I think.

All of this has combined to make me feel pity, and sadness, and even a little contempt towards EL.

I also still have the guilty of knowing that I drove her to a place where she started making these choices. I no longer blame myself for the outcome, or for the choices she made...but for putting her in that position, I do.

I know if I'd done a lot of things differently, it would not have come to this.

But I also know I tried. I put up with things most men wouldn't, because of my guilt and knowledge that I helped push her there. I was willing to work. I made changes for myself and my son and also my wife, that ultimately came to nothing, but as I wrote to her in my letter 2 months ago, they have and will continue and I am a better person for them.

I know that, if she ever wants to "get back together" I will be right and correct to say no.

I know that I did the right thing in deciding to give up and move on when it became obvious she was set in her plan and nothing I could do would matter.

I know that what people tried to tell me for a long time is true - I didn't deserve this or cause it completely.

I know that my anger and rage and "control" issues, while not as bad as she claimed, did exist and I will be on my guard for the rest of my life to keep those from affecting me, my son, my ex-wife, and any future partners.

I know that my son is still the most important thing, and I know that nothing she is doing really makes her a bad MOTHER, just a bad wife, and immoral person. Yeah, reading Email isn't the most moral thing either, and 2 wrongs don't make a right, etc. I am not proud of things I've done either, but they were and are done in the name of knowing the truth, of protecting myself and my son, and yes, even my wife.

Because, now, that's the only emotion I still feel for her. Through all this, I still feel very badly for her and where she's put herself, and I don't relish the crash she is heading for. But she is going to wake up someday, hopefully sooner than later, and realize - she is trying to fill some void in her life with sex and acting out. She seeks acceptance and self-value through men's desire for her body, nothing more.

When she wakes up one day on a Sunday morning in some dude's dirty apartment bedroom, with her makeup smeared all over and the french maid outfit lying at the foot of the bed, tangled in his wife beater and camo pants...and she slinks outta there and drives to my house to pick up The Boy, and she looks in the rearview into her own eyes as she pulls up in the driveway of our former home, where I'm playing with The Boy and some half-sibling of his with a new wife perhaps....well....she's gonna have that moment of realization...and I really hope she calls a doctor and not her mother (or me) when she does....'cuz she is better than that. She deserves more, and she's capable of more, and I really hope she figures it out and changes her life the way I have changed mine.

Again, do I sound smarmy, egotistical, controlling, arrogant for thinking these things? I know damn well I do. But remember - you don't know what I know. You don't have the window into her soul I have had the last 4 months. She needs help and I hope she gets it, but I can't provide it nor can I wait around anymore hoping she figures it out.

And if I AM arrogant, egotistical, and all wrong about all this? Well, then I am. Maybe she WILL meet "Mr. Right" in a sex chatroom and the one night stand will turn out to be a one week, one month, one year relationship and morph into something clean, safe, and romantically pure. But I doubt that. Or maybe she'll "outgrow" this phase after a few months and put it behind her and meet a nice new guy in a traditional way and he'll never know the things I (and she) will know about her and her past, and good luck to him. She may in fact have been right all along for all I know, and she really SHOULDN'T have been married to me. I will never know.

But, I know we are no longer right for each other, of course. For whatever reason, that is gone.

Anyway...I definitely think I need to start a new blog. I want to "decloak" a little in that blog, and let more of myself be out there.

But, if I do - I can't have ANY connection back to this blog. I can't have a pointer from this blog to the new one, or from the new one back to this one.

So....listen up.

If you have been a "regular" follower of this blog...you need to Email me so I can make a list of who you are, and send you a link when I create the new one.

Most of you, I probably won't anyway. Unless I know for sure who you are - as in, you've been commenting, and I know you aren't someone I know personally....I won't be able to clue you in.

So...email thebadhusband@yahoo.com with a real email address I can contact you back at. Tell me who you are, in terms of some comments you've made, etc.

Obviously, a few of you who I have been exchanging Email with...you know I know you and will include you. Anyone who YOU may have told about the blog you can also pass it along to. But make sure NOBODY puts a link out there anywhere saying, "New Blog of the guy who used to be The Bad Husband." That cannot happen.

I've found that too many people in my personal life have discovered this blog, through the actions of one friend who didn't mean to, but screwed up and told someone he shouldn't have, etc. As such, if I plan to be the "real me" more on the new blog, and make references to real places, times, and events...then if someone wanted to fuck me over, they could tie the two blogs together legally.

As such, I'm being sneaky. I'm hoping that by doing it this way, I will throw most of those people off the trail. They may find the new blog, they may recognize the writing style or something, but there will never be any real proof or link of the two. I hope anyway. I still have to be cautious on the new blog, but, less so.

So...I don't know how much longer this one will be here. At least a few weeks, as I have a lot less time than I used to to update things and stuff.

But consider this the First Warning. I need to hear from you if you want to follow along to the new, post Bad Husband blog....a real email address I can contact you at, and some idea of how you found my blog or why you are following it. If you've ever commented, tell me what comment it was.

If you never commented, well, sorry, but then you don't deserve to follow me. If you are worried about your OWN anonyminity, go ahead and create a dummy Yahoo account to email me from, that's fine, just tell me which anon commentor you are/were.

More updates later, this was a huge one and barely scratched the surface of what's going on lately.

I weep for the future.

2005-01-31T18:21:00.000-05:00

There are no words, really, for this:

"First Ammendment No Big Deal, Students Say"

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=533&e=4&u=/ap/20050131/ap_on_re_us/students_first_amendment

This is a serious problem. Serious. Am I bleedin' heart liberal to think that??!

Weight Loss Bloggin'

2005-01-23T20:55:00.000-05:00

It struck me today that weeks, possibly months have gone by since I blogged anything about my working on the weight loss thing.

I don't bother counting individual calories anymore/logging all my food, because I've basically got it down...I know about what all my normal daily foods are and how much adds up to what's right.

By now, I've crept it up to probably 1500 calories a day, some days maybe 2000, other still sub-1000 though.

Still take the vitamins regularly, and it's not JUST low-cal, it's healthy low-cal. I'm sure I'm well below the recommended daily intake for cholesterol, poly and unsaturated fats, etc. Sodium is still way ABOVE the recommended intake as most low-cal foods with soy protien and stuff seem to be high in sodium. But overall I'm still eating mostly fruit, veggies, good stuff - more "Lean Cuisine" type meals and less fresh meals than I'd prefer, but that's the reality of being back at work.

Anyway, with the "pink eye" thing 2 weekends ago and going to the doctor, being weighed on the same scale in the same basic clothing/shoes I was wearing back in May 04 the last time I'd been there....I am down an even 60lbs.

I'd still like to drop off another 30, but nonetheless I feel damn good about that.

Yes, boring... Sorry.

2005-01-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

Oh, yes, indeed, the blog is boring anymore, eh?

I just haven't had time to update. Being back at work, being single Dad, and trying to keep my head above water on other things no longer leaves the luxury of time to ramble on about my angst...

So, those in the Northeast US (or Midwest, apparently?) know what I spent my weekend doing - clearing snow, snow, and more snow.

We "only" got a little over a foot, which is pretty unusual for us, but from what I'm hearing Boston and New York got like 2 feet. I cannot imagine living in a city and getting that much snow.

So, I was out twice yesterday and once just now with the little plow on the front of my lawn tractor/riding mower, plowing the snow off the driveway. Beats shovelin'

Latest on the wife situation: Nothing much. I don't miss her, and even more so as I continue to hear stupid stuff about her. Get this, we have a mutual friend that she doesn't know knows me, who she chats with a lot, who has been telling me she's asking all kinds of questions about why guys have affairs, why a guy would be married 8 months and have an affair, etc.etc. Guess she's getting a little antsy that the Other Guy doesn't seem too interested in breaking up his marriage. LOL. I didn't expect it to happen so soon, but it's damn funny. Oh, she's also told him that she wants "unlimited sex without marriage." Yeah, so, you can see why, call me a control freak or not, it's nice to get input like this from people - just reaffirms my attitude that now that she's gone, I must NEVER let her back. I know if she calls me up all apologetic I'll be weak, and I'll think of The Boy, and I'll consider taking her back. Can't let me do that, ok, people?

Of course the mutual friend COULD be playing ME for the sucker so I don't really put much creedence into any of it, nor do I really care. So maybe she's putting him up to asking me this stuff to see what I'd say, etc. Don't know, don't care, but it ain't happening.

See, I think maybe I've come to a realiziation......I was happy with my wife, and I think we could have stayed married forever and it would have been "nice." In no way do I think I "settled" nor do I think she "settled" for me, we really were a good couple and a good marriage. But, in just the brief time I've been dating a few people, I've come to realize there WAS a lot missing from our marriage, in terms of converstation, spending time together, mutual likes and dislikes, etc. I think I may very well find someone else in my life who will bring all the things to a relationship that EL did, and more...and I can be more to them than I was to EL. She does have a lot of "growing" to do, I see that now. So did I, and I did it, and she's right, I did change. I do NOT think I changed for the negative, though - I mean, other than being a little too absorbed in work, and myself, and taking my wife for granted. I will always acknowledge that that is what caused the crisis point in our marrage.

But, the other things about me that get perceived as "control freak" - wanting the house and home to look nice, wanting to be successful at work, wanting my son to grow up healthy, smart, and with good manners and good habits, etc....these are normal things for a guy who was a bit of a slacker and fuck-off to change about himself as he grows, gets married, starts a family.

I have met a VERY nice person this week, went out last night, after talking on the phone literally every night since last Sunday. I was initially uninterested, wary even - she is only 28 (I'm 35, remember) and I swore to myself I wasn't going to do THAT again - EL is about to turn 30 and a lot of the issues, especially in how she's dealing with all this, are clearly related to maturity.

But, RHA as I'll call her, is great. She may be 28, but she has a master's degree in social work, owns her own home, just went through a divorce with many simliarities to mine (both things he &I have in common, and things he & EL have in common) and is director of social work at a rehab facility in the area. So....a world of difference from EL. A bit amusing she's a social worker, but even SHE tells me I'm no control freak, and she should know not only professionally but personally, her ex was had OCD and many of the classic control behaviors. So, anyway, we had a nice first date and will see each other again this week, and so that's good. I still talk to some of the other dates/friends I've made recently, I don't think any of them are "going anywhere" - Punky is a very close friend now but firmly in that "friend" column. ER and I haven't been able to get together much lately, though we talk and there is friendly interest there. I met KM 2 weeks ago and we had a nice time, but she lives about an hour away which makes things complicated as far as that goes. And I STILL haven't met the friend I've been chatting with the longest, MH, but hopefully will do so SOMEDAY... :)

All in all, then, it's been a pretty long week. I continue to feel better about things, and I really hope that the instant "click" between me and RHA isn't just a case of first-date butterflies and/or a rebound thing, because of all the people I've met so far she seems to be someone that's very compatible in the long run, but of course my fear is that we might have "met too soon" for both of us. The cool thing is she's just like me, in that, she likes to talk about that kinda stuff over and over so I can pretty much just bring that up in a conversation after a few more dates and see what she thinks. :)

EL is bringing The Boy over now so I will have him the rest of today, tomorrow night, and I will ask for her Tuesday as well since she kept him an extra day due to this weather/storm stuff. We'll see.

Sorry, Blog is Boring Sans Angst

2005-01-18T01:41:00.000-05:00

So, it seems, when I'm back absorbed in the humdrum day-to-day, that my blog is pretty boring. Without a lot of angst in it, I mean...

Weekend was uneventful and downright boring. I was sick, of course, which ruined my Friday night plans (with ER, who has not talked to me since I told her I had conjunctivitis/pink-eye and I'm thinking she didn't believe me...) and then the weekend I still had the annoying cough and the fever even came back a little on Saturday - so I guess it's almost a "good thing" I got the pink eye, as otherwise I wouldn't have bothered going to the doctor for what I thought was just an annoying chest cold, but which was bronchitis on the verge of going pneumonia on me....if I had a fever sneak back in after a day and a half on antibiotics, I hate to think what I'd have been feeling if I'd not gone at all.

So, didn't get much accomplished over the weekend.

Work today was better. The project I'm working on has much clearer objectives, a much more simple Point A to Point Z process of development, and the first phase is merely a lot of cut-and-paste work which is exactly what I needed.

I've met another "personal ad" person who I've been talking to the last 2 days, intially I almost didn't write her back, as I'm gun-shy of anyone under the age of about 32 right now, and she's a mere 28. However, she's divorced, has a Masters in an intellectual field, and owns her own home, so I'm not afraid of any immaturity issues like with EL. I think I'm safe.

And, she is the FIRST PERSON I have met yet who knew why my (dearly departed but not forgotten) cat's name is Eric. And The Boy's hamster's name was Mouse Eric. And my other two cats are named Ming Horus Eric of the Nile, and Jade Bastet Eric of the Mysterious East.

(pardon me while I Google that to make sure you can't track it back to me...ok, seems to be clear, but I have at least one resident Google expert on this page who, if you can do more than that than I can, needs to contact me... :) )

Any takers on why all my pets are called Eric?

Well, anyway, so that right there's a pretty good sign. I've about decided thatPunky, while an awesome person and someone I can talk to for hours and really feel a connection with, is not someone who in the end is a good "match" right now. She is too immersed in her own seperation, freedom from her lousy ex, and enjoying being single to be more than a friend right now - but a very, very good friend who I am glad I've met and I am pretty sure will be a permanent part of my life going forward.

There are two other ladies I talk to on a regular basis, one I've met, one I STILL haven't even though I want to, who are also close friends with a "who knows?" attached to the feelings. But, "AH" (the 28 year old Master's) is someone I look forward to a few dates with to see what's there.

It seems very odd to be feeling this way while barely seperated (officially) less than 2 months, and less than 3 weeks of actually living apart from EL, but EL shows no signs whatsoever of having any second thoughts, and I don't really want her to anymore - it's hard to let go entirely, in fact I still feel protective enough toward EL to feel pity for the crash she's heading for, and to wish she'd not have made the choices she made, but neither do I want to be married to her anymore. I'm PRETTY sure that's not just a defense mechanism either, having seen so much (yes, some of it through illicit snooping around) and heard so much from her, well, I just can't see going back, ever.

We talked about this big 4 day / 3 day thing. I explained my hesitation, that she may be running some sort of legal angle, but the fact is - she's so goddamn selfish and naive I don't think she is. I know I may look gullible in this, but I swear she doesn't HAVE that much guile in her.

Here's why - when I asked why she insisted on this extra day, she just kept saying, "He's my baby - he's my son and I love him, I can't be apart from him that long and he'll miss me." She apparently has no friggin' clue that that's offensive and hurtful to me. What, I don't love my son? He's not my "baby"? He's not the center of my freakin' universe and sometimes the only reason I feel I can get out of bed in the morning? He's not the greatest gift in the universe to me? Please. And she repeats it again and again, like, "What, JD, how can you not understand - he's my baby! I love him!" She's that myopic that she doesn't understand I could feel the same way.

So...guile? Maybe, I haven't ruled it out nor will I be stupid, but, I honestly don't think so. I have told her I will only consent to it if we put something in writing, right in the agreement, to the effect that she has made this special request, and has made it a focal point of our amicability - such that she's said if I don't "give in" she will make life a living hell and fight for everything and anything in court, it'll be bitter, acrimonious, and we'll never be able to get along. Or, I can give her the one day and it will be the goodwill and amicable gesture needed to make everything else smooth, friendly, easy on The Boy, and so forth. Stipulating in writing I am only doing it to make The Boy's life through this process as painless and possible and to foster goodwill and a spirit of cooperation between EL and I.

(Thanks, you know who, for that advice.)

I will still run this by my lawyer, and will discuss it with some other people in a position to advise me further, but overall I do think it's going to be OK and won't impact my relationship with my son as much as if I didn't give it to her, and we had a horrible knock-down drag-out angry acrimonious custody battle through the courts.

So, we seemed to agree on that OK then, and some other minor monetary matters (I'm going to stop paying for her benefits, by which I mean I'm taking $30 every 2 weeks off the amount of day care I'm paying for for him right now, until she's officially off my benefits at the end of the divorce, things like that - because money is now uber-tight for me) and things, and the call was over.

And really aside from that, there's not much going on. My son was happy to see me of course, kept saying, "I missed Daddy!" which was bittersweet, and we've had a great night together...EL is even acceptable with me keeping him an extra night this week since she had him a total of 4 days in a row for the mini-vacation they were just on with, of course, her Mother.

So...sorry there's not a lot of drama to report. :)

Freakin' WEBMD.COM Lies!!

2005-01-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Dammit!

Conjunctivitis / Pink Eye has a 3 day incubation period, claims www.webmd.com.

Lies! All LIES! I was exposed last Thursday....8 days ago....and this morning?

There goes my weekend....

Right On!

2005-01-14T01:26:00.000-05:00

Love this stuff. Especially if it can still generate a faint current at night...

Funny thing, they don't mention how useful this might be in a space probe or orbiting platform. That was the first thing I wanted to know.

Anyhoo:

New Flexible, Efficient Solar Cell

So, Some Lawyer Updates...

2005-01-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

Well...a long day, an expensive day, but overall, nothing bad...

So, lots of questions answered at my first actual lawyer session. Things moving.

Picked up the papers, took 'em to work, made a couple copies, and headed over to the law office.

Nothing out of the ordinary or surprising in the divorce suit. A few things such as "Plaintiff believes she would be the better parent, as she has been more involved in the Child's life" kinda bugged me but I was assured that's really just standard "Wife Files Boilerplate" and my lawyer doesn't even need any particulars to refute that at the time as her answer will just be the standard, "Husband Replies Boilerplate" at this point.

In fact, only remotely interesting think in the whole suit, really, was that EL attempted to claim we have lived, "Apart and seperate since Oct 15th, 2004."

Anyone remember why she picked that date in particular?

Yep. The night she committed adultery, you got it. :)

That was the first, probably not the last, time this blog served it's most useful purpose aside from therapy - I just logged in from my PDA, scrolled down a bit, and said, "No...the day I gave her the letter informing her we were seperated but living in the same home was 11/5/04. The word divorce was never mentioned prior to that. In fact, prior to that she had gone to counseling with me, and told me she would "work on the marriage" with me."

Fuck you, EL. Nice try, thank you for playing.

Not that it matters anyway, really, but facts are facts so I'm not letting her get away with even such an insignificant little thing.

As she is not asking for alimony/spouse support, the affair actually has no bearing on anything, really. Which is good, because the only 100% solid, legal, admissable proof I have is the Emails she printed from work, dated 11/17 . I have the "love you / love you too" note thing from late October, and other circumstantial proof like phone records and such, but nothing else that's good in court. So...good that it doesn't matter.

On that note - unfortunately, Pennsylvania's wiretap law is one of the ones that requires BOTH parties to be made aware of any taping, so, that idea is out. And just having MADE a recording, would actually be a criminal act, so as satisfying as that was, any that ever existed are now gone. Or, at least, will never be found until the statute of limitations runs out. :)

Now, as for Emails and other things found via the browser cache, and the IM logs, email saved on the computer and so on..well...there is no law on that, so if I felt like someday showing any of that to EL or her family or whatever, it's not a criminal act. But useless otherwise and would only serve to piss her off, and any positive impact on MY case in custody court by her whoring around, would be offset by the negative impact on my cae of the spying. A wash.

So, on the custody issue - if I agree to 3 days to EL's 4 days, that is not a problem. Lawyer informs me in Pennsylvania, as most other states, "legal" custody and "physical" custody are 100% seperate, and the courts will almost NEVER give anything less than 50/50 "legal custody." So we both are equally involved in all major decisions - schools, moving out of state, his activities, and so on - and if we can't come to an equitable agreement between us, it goes to a judge to decide, neither parent can overrule the other.

"Physical" custody is another matter, of course, and while my lawyer says 50/50 is the standard there too without any circumstances otherwise, and she assures me that there are none in our case (either for or against me, really) if I CHOOSE to let EL have the extra day (as the price of EL's cooperation in everything else) it has absolutely no impact on anything other than a few bucks a month child support.

So - I will probably concede that one to EL to shut her up and have her play along. The immoral personal ad, strange sex practices, refusal to go to counseling alone or couples, and other stuff about EL COULD help sway things my way in a "custody fight" but it would more than likely just be expensive, bitter, and end up being 50/50 physical custody in the end anyway. So, since she keeps saying she only wants this for the first year anyway, fine.

Because, unlike the DIVORCE agreement, which once signed is unchangeable, ever, the physical CUSTODY agreement can be brought back before a judge by either party at any time. So, giving up a day now makes no real difference.

Lastly, on the house front turns out all this refinancing stuff was unnecessary. Damn, wish I had done even the simplest research before putting down the $400 nonrefundable "lock fee" to the lender. Because, a simple call to my current mortgage lender brought the staggeringly good news that my mortgage is "assumable" meaning, if I pass the credit check (and I've already been approved for $10k over the current principal) I pay a small fee, a couple of paperwork charges, all told be less than $2000, and I take over the current mortgage. This is to everyone's advantage, as it's more money for EL as well as easier for me. So, I have high hopes that EL will agree to that arrangement for a fair amount of my 401k transferred to her. Lawyer agreed - since EL could easily fight for half of it anyway, giving it to her voluntarily is a goodwill act that I shouldn't try too hard to weasel out of a couple bucks on.

So, that's that. Like I said, mainly, good news. It appears that, if I give EL this "one day" thing, and she's willing to go along with everything else....it's going to make everyone happy, only be for a year anyway, and it ads up to, what, 52 extra days for the year? I'm not worried about it - my son loves his Daddy and 52 less days right now for the goodwill of a cooperative EL is worth it any way you look at it.

Real Update Later, But "SH" If You Aren't ALL OVER This, I'm Shocked...

2005-01-13T20:50:00.000-05:00

Read this, thought of you right away, SH. Mobilize!!!

http://www.mcall.com/news/local/all-a1_5id1jan13,0,2186742.story?coll=all-aol-yahoo-nws-hed

Was at the lawyer today, got mostly good news. On the real issues, mostly good. On the me wanting to be a prick issues, not so good. About what I expected. :)

Lawyer is darn cool. Glad I picked her...I knew she'd been one of the District Attorney's for the county we live in a few years ago, but I DID NOT know this: She'd been a professor of law at one of the local colleges, and was both a prof. and an advisor to EL's lawyer.

Man, that's gotta be good! I wonder if EL's lawyer will admit that? Most likely not. :)

To "Anon" And Others...

2005-01-12T01:20:00.000-05:00

Hi. OK, look, call me uptight. But I refer you to an entry I wrote almost 2 months ago, about an issue which has suddenly reared it's head in here again.

To wit: How can ANYONE argue with someone saying, "You're an abuser and a controller and potentially a batterer."

If you say you aren't, you're in denial and won't admit to a problem, which makes you dangerous and unstable and your loved ones should flee to safety.

If you say you are, then you're dangerous and unstable and your loved ones should flee to safety.

If you PROTEST, well then, you're in denial, dangerously unstable, and -AGITATED-...so, someone call the police as your loved ones flee to safety.

Well, I'm sorry. I have a bad temper, I have for 30-odd years, and it has never, even once, manifested itself in anything other than some yellin' and some swearin' and occasionally some throwin' things. I'm not saying that's RIGHT. I'm just saying, that's ALL.

Never, not once, 30+ years. I'd think, if it was going to "escalate" into battering and violence, it might've done so by now, don't you?

This is not the first time in my life I've been confronted with infidelity. I had my high school "true love" girlfriend tell me one night she'd fucked my best friend, fucked TWO of my best friends at the same time, and fucked the dude who went on vacation with us (along with his girlfriend) while me and his girlfriend were at the beach. My reaction? "You fucking whore..." and walked away, got in my car, drove home.

It is not the first time I've been dropped, with no control over the situation and felt helpless, hopeless, and powerless. My 2nd longterm girlfriend, for reasons to THIS DAY I have no idea about, came to where I worked, informed me casually she never wanted to see me again and I shouldn't attempt to contact her, and walked out of my life.

My reaction? Finish my shift (can't remember if I cried, or was just heartbroken) drive home, try to call her once (get hung up on) and write her 3 letters - just one a week, nonthreatening (I bet I could STILL find copies somewhere all this time later, on a floppy somwhere) just asking, basically, "Why. Can you just tell me why?" She wrote back telling me "just leave me alone" and I did. Never attempted to contact her again.

Anyway...go read. Why should I repeat myself again.

http://thebadhusband.blogspot.com/2004/11/fundamental-problem.html

Besides, even if it WOULD HAVE (and can't we all play the "what might've been" game?) escalated - I've gotten help. Anger management. Medication. Regular therapy. Mental exercises to avoid it. Fact is, it's over and done forever. Deal with it. I have. Anyone who is afraid of me, you brought your fear in here with you and you projected it onto me. I've given you no reason to be.

Things I Need To Turn To My Advantage

2005-01-11T23:50:00.000-05:00

So, every so often, complete strangers tell me this.

I kid you not. At least 2-3 times a year, as far back as into my early 20's. First time I can clearly remember is when I was taking flying lessons at a local airport, and other pilots in the pattern thought I was a professional pilot from my voice. Been hearing it ever since. Talking to strangers on the phone in my job that I had for awhile, of course, I heard it probably 3 or 4 times a week.

And that is:

"Wow - you should be on the radio. Your voice is amazing."

or

"You need to do TV commercials with a voice like that."

and

"Did you go to college for (acting/drama/stage/whatever)?"

along with,

"Were you ever in a band, do you sing?"

Point is, I'm often told I have a great voice. I've done some voiceover stuff, for fun, at my job - on training videos, computer simulations, etc. But that's it, really, just stuff I volunteered for because I'd been told this before.

Happened again today. I had a quick dentist appointment - oral surgeon actually, just to see how my implants are healing.

He ALSO remarked how much weight I'm losing - damn, sorry to keep harping on that but dammit, I NEVER get tired of hearing that!! - and asked what I was doing, etc. Well, he's a nice guy and ironically (scroll WAAAY down the blog if you wanna confirm this) I was in his office the Saturday morning after my wife began the physical affair, it's while he was drillin' out my jawbone that she was home reliving the past night's delights with her boyfriend online. I knew he remembered how whacked out I looked that day (I hadn't eaten in a week at that point, hadn't slept in a couple days, etc.) as he'd asked about that the LAST time I'd been in for a followup.

So, I told him - well, to be honest, it's mainly just a diet, because it was time for a change - and some personal stuff, marriage trouble, etc.

Here's why he's a great doc and I almost wish I needed more dental surgery...lol...he's gotta see a dozen people a day. As a surgeon, they aren't all regulars either. But he immediately looked at my ring finger, said "Wow, I remember when you were in you said you had some stress going on...sorry" and all that stuff.

Well anyway we were only talking for a few minutes, then I asked him a few questions about my horrible jaw pain (TMJ) and he gave me some advice.

And out there at the counter, the 3 cute dental assistants started in with me. "JD - wow, you need to go on the radio...have you ever...?"

Lemme tell ya...ego boost? Yeah. I mean for all I know they were married, but nonetheless, 3 very attractive 30ish dental assistants chatting me up about how sexy my voice is made my night. :)

(Well, I know the one was married because we started talking about her husband's Mustangs, as she was asking about my Ford Racing jacket...)

If complete strangers tell me that so often, it must be true. I dunno, I guess I just have a "sonorous" voice that resonates well and gets people's attention. Plus I can project a lot of character into it - I mean, I WAS a trainer at work, I need to keep the attention of 20+ adults for 8 hours a day...

OK...so that's one thing. I need to stop TALKING about it, and DO it already - get into this voiceover business. I had a rep in one of my classes a few years ago who did that, she gave me her coach's name and some agents, but I never did anything with it. I think I should. What a neat little side income that would be...

The other thing is similiar. I read somewhere, not too long ago, that given a list of things they are most afraid of - most people will rank "public speaking" or "being in front of a crowd" up in the top 5. Like, more than snakes, spiders, fear of being robbed, fear of being stranded by the side of the road, etc.

And...I love it. I THRIVE on it. I can't get ENOUGH of being in front of a crowd of people, giving a speech or a presentation or whatever. Strangers or a crowd of co-workers, doesn't matter.

I NEVER thought that was that unusual. It boggles my mind that people fear that, but apparently, it's quite true.

So. I need to think about some kind of career where these two skills mesh together into something useful.

Suggestions? I wonder if I should be some kind of motiviational or seminar speaker on a travelling circuit or something. My company hires people like that all the time to come in and give management seminars and trainings and things. Maybe that's what I need to look into...?

Weekend Update, Pt II.

2005-01-11T14:14:00.000-05:00

Wow. The first part of this Weekend Update has generated quite a lot of commentary, and I don't want to detract from that, but it occurs to me I wasn't quite finished yet.

In fact, I disabled comments on this post. If you'd like to comment, just scroll down to "Weekend Update" and comment on that thread. So we keep everything in one place.

Anyway….more about this long conversation between me and EL:

One of the things that was agreed upon was that I would give her some of my 401k - up to half - as compensation towards any equity in the home. This seemed like a fair solution, as she'd of course be entitled to up to half of it anyway, but was being "nice" in saying she didn't want any of my 401k or my stop options or other assets.

I DO appreciate that she has always said that - I think it's from guilt and shame, but I also think she DESERVES to feel that way so I'm fine with it - and have always tried to say so on this blog. She COULD be being a LOT more vicious in this divorce than she is, and don't think I don't know that.

So, I agreed that once we got the house appraisal back, we'd take the appraisal amount, get AT LEAST TWO realtor's to come in and say what we could REALLY get for the house, come up with an amount we both considered to be "fair" that we could sell it for, and then subtract out the amount of the payoff on the current mortgage, subtract a sum that would have gone to pay the realtor's commissions, costs, fees, etc. and whatever was left, split in half. Which I would then give her that amount of my 401k for her to roll over into her own IRA.

I thought that was nice progress. I agreed to up to half, and if it would be more than that, that we should probably just sell the house then anyway and each walk away with a little nest egg. Realistically, though, I do not expect that. I expect we will barely be breaking even on the house in fact.

We also discussed custody, time with each of us, and child support dollars.

She was adamant on one thing - this is where the "if you don't agree to this, I will fight you and get spouse support and other things, too" comment came from. She said she felt The Boy should be with his mom more than his dad. Suddenly her idea of "hiring a psychiatrist to get an independent opinion" went out the window. I suspect the reason why for that is that she knows darn well a shrink will agree with me and not her. But, nonetheless, she's not unreasonable and so again, I think I'm going to just agree with her to save everyone grief.

What she wants is she gets him 4 days, I get him 3. Each week. This seems to be a HUGE point with her. I have to run this by my lawyer, of course, to make sure there's not some legal "trick" going on here, but otherwise I'll be OK with this. I asked that we'd reevaluate that yearly and she said yes. I asked that we still consider child support and "custody decisions" as if it were 50/50 and she agreed with that also.

She had some dollar figures for child support, that I won't go into here, but I didn't find them to be outrageous. She asked that we split his day care costs 63/37% based on income and I thought that was fair. She then had a dollar amount on top of that for child support which seemed reasonable, though again I need to of course have my lawyer verify that it's fair. Pennsylvania, as I assume all other states, has simple fomulas for figuring this out based on # of days spent with each parent, income, etc. I also told EL that that had to be based on her NEW salary (she recently got a raise) and not 2004's W-2's, and, that we'd also revisit THIS number every year, because she is on track to start earning the same if not more than me very soon.

All of which was agreed to. So, that part, was a productive call.

All we need to do now is codify that with the lawyers and we'll be well on the way to an agreement we can both live with. And she does appear to still be sticking to her convictions to not "profit" on her divorce or take my son away from me. So don't think I'm not thankful for that, because I am!

No…all the flap in comments on the "Weekend Update" post seems to be revolving around my taping of the call, and reasons for that, and if EL is justified in being "afraid" of me.

Let me shed just a bit more light on this. As a way of getting onto the subject, I had to "let out" a little info to start the conversation. I THINK I'd already blogged this here, but let me recap:

Before Christmas sometime, her mother was at the bank where my aunt works. She had previously been the one to "break the news" to my family by telling my aunt, "Oh, you won't be seeing EL at Christmas, they're getting a divorce." I know I blogged that part. So my aunt told me that that evening which was the night the Aunts and I went to dinner, and said she'd ask her next time she saw her, "why?"

So - she did. EL's mother replied, "Oh, JD thinks EL is sleeping around, but I assure you she's not." Also, "But JD is already searching for a replacement on the Internet."

Now, of course, EL maintains she's told her mom the "real truth." I doubt it, but not entirely based on that comment - her mom would lie anyway, and in fact understandably, to anyone about that anyway, wouldn't she? I just doubt it because I don't think EL would say that. Then again, her and her mom are both twisted the same way, so perhaps she WOULD, because EL clearly doesn't think she's doing anything in the least bit wrong by sleeping with a married man who's wife has no idea.

OK, well my point is that I used this to get the conversation started. Tape rolling, I said, "EL, there's something else bothering me. I know you are lying to your family, because now they are lying to MY family about what's going on! I have respected you in this, you know - much as I'd like to, much as I sometimes want to, I have never told ANYONE in your family the truth about your affair with OG, when it started, or any of that. But now I find out your mom is telling my family that not only are you NOT sleeping around, but that I'm trying to replace you on the Internet? And how would she know something like that anyway?"

(See, at this point, I had no idea what that statement meant, but assumed it meant my personal ad. Thing is, my personal ad CLEARLY says, "I am looking for friends, social situations and dinner dates to get to know people, nothing else since I'm in the middle of a divorce." I'd post it verbatim here but I don't want anyone searching it out, you know? And HER personal ad says she's looking for a bi female to experiment with…so again, by any objective measure here, sexuality aside, who's got the moral high ground? One person looking for dinner dates, the other for "experimentation." I rest my case.)

So, we get to talking on that. That's where I keep talking about her affair, mentioning him by name, and she never comes right out and admits to sleeping with him (as I wish she would have) but neither did she ever deny it or anything. In my mind, though, she does that so that she can someday tell people, "It was easier not to argue with him." So I still wish she'd come right out and say it - yes, I slept with OG that Friday night.

The spouse support conversation went something like this. Paraphrased, but this was the "gist" of it:

"My lawyer says the affair means nothing towards spousal support, because once I told you I wanted a divorce, we were considered seperated."

"Well, I don't think your lawyer knows all the facts, EL. That's all I'm going to say. Mine is quite certain you wouldn't get it, but why are we arguing anyway, I said I was OK with these numbers and the 4/3 day thing."

"Yes, well, I just want you to know - I don't care about ANYTHING else. I don't care about my reputation, I don't care about OG, OG's wife, my family, my friends - NOTHING is more important than The Boy so if you try to fight me, then I'll do whatever I have to do and I don't care what you tell about anything."

"There's no need for that. I told you. It's fine."

So again - who's blackmailing who here anyway? Seems like we're doing it to each other, dancing around this affair thing. She knows as well as I do, it's the only leverage either of us has. Once I'd reveal it, she'd slay me in court. If I don't reveal it, she gets to smear my name and I can't do dick.

Anyway, that's my motive for taping this stuff. Not for court - because we both agree, court is bad for both of us, expensive, and no help to The Boy at all! We WANT to agree, be amicable, and do what's best for The Boy and ourselves in this. I REALLY believe that and I think she does too.

The taping is for after. So I can quietly call her brother, who incidentally hasn't spoken to me since that one day (I have a feeling EL told HIM a bunch of lies about me, no idea what, not sure if I should call him or let it lie…probably not going to bother now) and say my side. He'll listen, and he'll make sure her Dad knows the truth. So I can play it for my OWN family someday, to show them, look - I wasn't making it up, I'm not insane, yeah I taped a call, but listen to what she says.

Several commenters said I could someday play it for The Boy. Let me tell you, that has never occurred to me. I don't think he'd EVER need to hear that in his life, ever. But - you know, I might think about telling EL that I would if I ever found out she wasn't truthful with him. She doesn't have to admit to her son she had an affair, but she has to admit to him that his Daddy never hurt her, and she just didn't want to be married anymore, but he is a good and nice Daddy and loves his boy very much, and his boy should NEVER worry about Daddy hurting him, being mean, or anything but loving him as much as he can. I'd be perfectly satisfied with that. Some things a kid never needs to know, and he'll never hear it from me if it didn't come that.

Read back over the blog, somewhere way back here I wrote something that I tried to tell EL that I know in my heart to be true: The Boy will never really understand, if both parents are truthful (and don't bring up the affair) why his Mommy left his Daddy. Because, I am bound and determined if nothing else on Earth that my son will NEVER see the side of me that EL saw these last 2 years. Those actions, behaviors, etc. are gone forever. I WANTED that to be for HER AND HIM BOTH, whien this started, but she doesn't want that and so be it. But someday he's going to ask EL, "Why did you leave Daddy?" and when she says because I yelled around the house, and threw things, he won't believe it, because he'll never see that part of me.

And if that's all she said, I wouldn't deny it to him. "Daddy yelled too much back then, and scared your Mommy, and that's why he doesn't do it anymore, because he doesn't want to scare you that way. Mommy was too scared to stay married, but you don't have to ever be scared to be with me, because Daddy doesn't do that anymore, does he?"

If she says less than that, I do think that might be better. "Mommy and Daddy just didn't love each other to be married anymore. We loved you though so we wanted to make two great houses for you to live in." I'd be just as happy with that. AS he gets older, who knows what other facts might come out, but I'll never talk about her affair as long as she never says I did more than yell and throw a couple things.

OK?

Now, weirdest thing of all - apparently, this "JD is looking for a replacement on the Internet" thing isn't what I thought. In the conversation, EL revelated that her other brother (TS was the one who called me trying to see if I wanted him to attempt to talk to her. This brother we're now talking about was BL) BL was "Afraid you'd screw me in the divorce the way his wife screwed him, and so he searched you out on the Internet, and found some stuff, and told my mom that, and said I should call him, but I told her I don't care, I don't want to know what he's talking about."

That's weird. I'm not sure if I should believe it or not. I DO know that, if I GOOGLE myself - using my real name, or my online name that I have always used, or any Email addresses that I use - I don't find anything the least incriminating.

I find some 10+ year old USENET posts I'm not particularly thrilled about, true. Things written in 1993 and 1994 before I met EL or when we were just dating. Not porno crap, either, but stuff that reveals a little too much about my depressed personality (suicide newsgroups) and party pasttimes (drinking, partying, crashing cars, etc…hey, I was in my 20's!!) that I'm not super excited about ever coming up in court.

Aside from that, nothing the least bit salacious. Posts on Disney newsgroups. Hundreds of posts on Mustang newsgroups, and other car groups. Posts on web-boards for cars, movies, Disney again. Computer help. Cellular phone newsgroups and web boards.

Honestly, I'm clueless. The ONLY way he could have found my personal ad would have been to go to the site I'm on, put in our town, and search for men my age. I guess that would work, but all he'd find was that ad that says I'm looking for friends for dinner dates and social situations. Good luck with that! And it wasn't posted until AFTER my divorce was filed.

I'm also miffed because BL is a brother who SHOULD understand this. His wife went nutty on him, ran off with some guy she met on the internet, took the kids, claimed all kinds of insane lies in court, etc. BL and I have always gotten along the best of any of her brothers. He's my same age, geeky in my same ways, and likes most of the same things. How ironic indeed. Obviously blood ties are thickest but I'd have expected him to at least be cautiously neutral. I haven't decided if I want to call HIM yet and ask him nicely what he thinks he found…again, probably won't, clearly won't serve any good purpose. But I wonder if it's even true, or if EL just made that up for some reason.

There you have it. The whole messy weekend story. This was all Friday, by Saturday evening I was already feeling way too sick to blog…nothing else really happened.

(Remember - Comments disabled on this post. Comment on Weekend Update Pt I if you wish)

Weekend Update

2005-01-11T08:49:00.000-05:00

So, what DID happen this weekend, anyway? I'll try to get this update post in, while I'm waiting for the home appraiser to get here. That's only 15 minutes though, seems like it will take longer.

Let's see...where did I leave off, Friday, I believe, when I was waiting to see if The Boy had pink eye or not.

Well, he did. EL called me after leaving the doctor's, she had to get some antbiotic eye drops because he did in fact have baterial conjunctivitis. Poor kid! Though, didn't seem to slow him down any. The annoying hacking cough that never went away (despite what SHE says) the doctor again assured is not in his chest but just postnasal drip from the stuffy head, which is just a cold. No more fever so the nasal infection is done, just have to wait for the cold to dry up.

(It's been 2 weeks now, he STILL has that cough, poor kid!)

So Friday night, I called EL from work about 6:30pm (my office was empty) and hit the digital recorder on my PDA phone, and we had a long chat.

I got her to confirm a few things on tape for me. Like, that I never once hit her. That the only thing that I ever threw that she can say "hit her" was the back of a phone handset that I threw at the floor, whereupon the battery cover bounced off the floor and did actually hit her. Where the dishrack flew on the floor and maybe some of the contents were still bouncing her direction when she came around the corner. But she admitted she wasn't in the room for that one, just walked in as the pieces hit the floor. And since I didn't know she was coming, hard to claim I threw it at her.

Am I saying that makes it OK? No. Don't misunderstand. But it appears she is telling people that I "hit her and threw things at her" so for my own satisfaction I wanted to hear her say, for posterity, that that didn't actually happen.

She agreed that only once in 9 years did I say anything like, "I am so mad I could punch you" and she agreed that obviously it was just something said in anger and she said much the same thing only a few weeks ago with, "JD I get so mad I could strangle you!"

She did start to get upset at the conversation, not that I think she knew it was being recorded, but just got mad saying, "Why do we keep rehashing this all the time! It's over." So I couldn't push it too hard. She ALSO said something like, "Oh, I don't know, I can't remember, I'm sure there were other times, stop nagging me!" This to me illustrates that there ARE NOT any other times and just shows she hates being reminded that the fantasy of Evil JD that she has created really doesn't hold water. She said something like, "You talk and talk and it just confuses me and I don't remember what happened it was NINE YEARS!" I think she'd remember being hit, having something thrown at her, or being verbally abused.

We do sort of argue on that one. I'll meet her halfway - yelling obscenities in the house, whether they are at HER, or an inanimate object like the computer, I guess that's a pretty fine disctinction. So, verbal abuse? I'll plead partially guilty.

One thing that creeped me out that I have to be careful of - she said "I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of you right now!" To me that's just intimidation or being silly on her part. In any of these conversations, I've never once threatened or gotten upset or otherwise freaked out. The episodes of "rage" I admit to were in the past, based on situations or inanimate objects, not her. So, she has no reason to be afraid of me, but the fact that she is she can probably STILL use against me. I'd consider it an "unreasonable fear" as she's right on the tape ADMITTING I've never threatened her, hit her, etc. Yet she insists she's afraid of me. I think that's her own mental issues there and nothing to do with me, but I'm not sure....what does the peanut gallery think?

I couldn't QUITE get her to come right out and admit she was fucking the other guy. I brought it up a few times and she never denied it, talked about it matter-of-factly, but that's not quite the same thing.

The closest was when we were discussing child support payment amounts. She said something to the effect that, "And if you think that's too much, my lawyer said that if I wanted to , I could also get this much $XX in spouse support on top of that." I explained, no way, she had an affair, no support. Her answer? "My lawyer says the affair doesn't matter anyway, once I said to you I wanted a divorce, we were legally seperated and the affair doesn't matter."

A) That's close enough to an admission I was happy at that, and
B) I'm GLAD I keep this journal as she did not say she wanted a divorce, outright, until AFTER the "ultimatum letter" which was, I dunno, 4 weeks give or take after the affair began.

So all those "dates" she went out on, where she basically admitted infidelity to me, her friend LH, to my therapist (who I'm sure can't testify to that though) and others - all qualify as an affair. Nice try, EL.

Up until that time she maintained she still wanted to try to save the marriage, wanted "space" to figure things out, etc. And as I wrote in my letter, I never consented to the affair nor condoned it, only that I would forgive it IF she would work on the marriage. In effect, if she had TRIED to save the marriage, and it failed anyway, then maybe I wouldn't have been able to claim the affair...but she didn't, so, I can.

So....nothing was resolved, of course, but it was nice to get some of those things down on record, for my own satisfaction. I am reasonably certain I could never use that in court, in fact I might be prosecutable just for having DONE it, I'm not sure and will ask my own lawyer. If I can't get in trouble for actually making the recordings, you can bet your sweet ass they also will appear here on this site once the divorce is final. Along with all the other things that my own dignity requires me to post. Just need to get legal advice on that. Pennsylvania has some different privacy laws than other states, I know that.

Well, my home appraiser just got here to appraise the house, she's done and now I'm off to work. More updates on the weekend's activities later.

Real Blog Update Coming, I promise...

2005-01-10T21:04:00.000-05:00

In the meantime, I thought I'd share...the grey polo shirt?

Now a very nice light beige color.

Now, if my experiments with battery acid on my jeans back in the 80's are any comparison, though, the first time I actually wash and dry it, it'll just fall apart into threads. Or doesn't that happen with bleach?

(Hey, I worked at a gas station, it was the 80's, and jeans with holes in them were "in" baby!)

I'm washing it again now in clean water and soap, then I'll dry it.

Of course, it still kind of looks weird, as the embroidered Pirates of the Carribean crest and Mickey Mouse is now red and orange on a beige background. So, not sure I'll ever wear it again anyway, but surprisingly it did fade to a uniform color.

Listen, I never said I was domesticated...

2005-01-10T20:06:00.000-05:00

Subtitled: Adventures with Bleach

OK, look. As H.I. said in Raising Arizona: Now ya'all without sin, can cast the first stone...

I never quite understood about bleach. I mean, it gets stains out. You can't use it on colored clothes. This is the sum total of my bleach knowledge.

So, I had a white polo shirt. It had some kind of weird red stains - probably some sort of fruit juice, I dunno. No idea how it got there, probably something dripped on it while it was in the hamper. (or, let's be honest here, on the floor...)

Well, I've got some bleach here. I've got a white shirt with a stain. Seems natural - treat the stained area, right? Then throw it in the wash. With other white stuff.

Hmm. Well, whoops, and one sorta dark grey neat "Pirates of the Carribean" embroidered Disney polo shirt that I'd only worn twice.

(The ride ... not the movie. Yeah, that's right - I have shirts of the Disney RIDES. Your point?)

Still probably wouldn't have been a problem, 'cept of course, the white shirt landed on top of the dark grey one. I think that's what happened.

All I know is, coming out of the wash....everything looked great...except, the weird tye-dyed effect on the grey shirt. Which is now sort of an off-white in a few spots.

Well, of course I did what ANY of the rest of you would do, right?

Sure. I washed it again, this time all by itself, with about half a cup of bleach. Figured I'd even it out, y'know, it'll be just as cool as an off-white polo shirt...

Hmm, that didn't work. Came out a lot lighter all over, but the drippy spots still all tye-dyed.

OK, so, back to the drawing board. I dumped a gallon of bleach in a bucket, and soaked the shirt in it for a few minutes, stirring it around, taking it out, wringing it out, dipping it in...you know, figured I'd make sure it was all evenly drenched in bleach.

Washing it again now. What's gonna happen? I don't know, but it's gonna be fun to find out.

I do this kind of stuff sometimes, you know. It's been that kinda weekend.

Another example, since I'm having the fireplace professionally cleaned next week anyway - I was doing some science experiments on Friday night.

I was curious, you know, to see how hot it got in there.

(click for full size on any image. Taken with my old Nokia 3650 camera phone camera, nothing else handy when I was doing this...)

Would you believe that this:

Placed in the fireplace like this:

Ended up like this. Actually 3 chunks about this size, but anyway:

I wouldn't have either. Amazing.

A friend told me that the candle holder probably wasn't 100% glass but some kind of weird glass-plastic mix. I suppose that's possible, but...it was a candle holder. That seems kind of unsafe , doesn't it? I chucked another little decorative glass doodad in there later that sort of half-melted, so...I dunno.

I also attempted to melt some gold jewelry (no, not my wedding bands, nothing melodramatic, just a 14k "spare" wedding band we had that came as an estate piece when we bought her engagement ring...small, unadorned, and uninteresting....) which you can see sitting in a small porcelain crucible in the middle pic, above. Didn't melt, though. Didn't even seem to soften much.

Anyway, so, I'll keep you all posted on if I can turn the grey polo into an offwhite polo. :)

Sorry no entries...

2005-01-10T01:00:00.000-05:00

...sick. Oh so motherlovin' sick....

Will try to catch up tomorrow sometime. From midnight, until about 11pm tonight, I was awake probably less than 2 hours total. Got up now, had to eat something, but going back to sleep. Hope I wake up tomorrow with it gone.

No pink eye, though, so that's good at least. Though I'd rather have an annoying eye infection that'd linger for a few days, than the fever, chills, muscle aches and pounding headache of the last 36 hours...

Rollercoaster Again

2005-01-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

Gaaaaaah. What hell.

So, don't recall if I blogged it here, but my son was sick all last week. Nothing terrible, but he had sort of a wet cough and runny nose, so I'd taken him to the doctor, last Tuesday I think it might've been. (As in, Dec 28th)

He got some antibiotics, as the doc said the cough was caused by the post-nasal drip and not anything in his chest, and he likely had sinusitis. OK, fine.

The cough never really got "better" though, didn't get worse, just sorta stayed…so as EL was moving out over the weekend, I asked if she could take him to the doctor on Monday again if he was still coughing.

Well, I pick him up at day care yesterday, he's still coughing, and his nose is still all runny. Hmm, ok. I had even ASKED her on Wednesday night how he was doing, she said fine.

So I'm thinking, maybe I better try to take him to the doctor myself, but since I've missed all this time at work and this is my first week back, I'd rather not take the time out - figured I'd take him Saturday.

Dropped him off at my Mother-In-Law's this morning as normal. He was coughing but otherwise fine, so, no change from the last week is what I'm saying.

9am, I get a call from the MIL. "Don't you know (The Boy) is sick? He's got conjunctivitis, plus, his nasal discharge is brown so you need to call the doctor, make an appointment, then come here and take him."

Oh, really? Hmm. Recall, my friends, that if we look back in this blog somewhere the LAST time she pulled this, he wasn't sick at all. Is my son being used as some kind of pawn here, by the very people that accuse ME of that?

I don't know, but he's all that matters here, so I call EL at work. I ask her, does she know her Mom called me? Yes. I explain that he didn't seem sick at all, but if her mom says that we better take him, but since I took him to the doctor two times in the time I was off, and this was my first week back, could she please see if she could take him today? She said fine, took the doctor's #'s, and said she'd call me back.

While waiting, I typed this Email to my friend about the situation:

Now, get this - he still had a blocked up nose when I picked him up at daycare yesterday, and was still coughing the hacking cough he had all LAST week, when I took him to the doctor and we got the antibiotics. Late last week I told EL she should probably take him on Monday if he didn't seem better, and obviously he didn't. I asked her on Wednesday how he was, if he was coughing, she said he was fine, still cought a little.

OK, so this morning he wakes up, I take him to her Mom's like normal, drop him, head to work. Just now phone rings, it's her mom, all demanding, "JD, (The Boy) has conjunctivitis - did you KNOW THAT? And his nasal discharge is brown, DID YOU SEE THAT? You need to call the doctor, make an appointment, and then come pick him up."

Oh, really?

So I called EL, and told her nicely that I'd asked her to take him to the doctor early in the week, I took him twice when I was off, and I couldn't leave work today after all that time off, no way. I know this is all some kind of "scam" to try to make me look bad, make it look like I won't take him to the doctor on "my custody day" or something like that. Pink eye? I saw nothing wrong with his eyes last night or today...he wasn't rubbing them, there was no "stuff" in them, nothing.

EL was like, "He hasn't been coughing all week." Like he magically got this same wet hacking cough back the same day I picked him up? Yeah, right.

Did I ever mention how she's tried to blame my enjoyment of the fireplace for his respiratory stuff? We have an INSERT in the fireplace. Metal door. Sorta like a woodstove-in-a-hearth for those that don't know what an insert is. Point being, EVERYTHING goes up the chimney, only heat comes out from the blower motor and heat radiator inside the insert.

Later in the convo, she asked if I'd given him cough syrup, since his antibiotics ran out on Saturday, and he was still sick, "There's nothing else to do but give him cough medicine and let it run it's course."

Oh, that's good. Doctor Mom there. Besides, I asked, was SHE giving him cough syrup? "Yes" she said. "I thought he wasn't coughing at your place?" Oh, she said, she meant her parents were giving it to him. Uh huh.

Sorry I'm venting. This is also going in my blog. The blog is sort of a legal record as well where all this stuff gets written down for date/time purposes in case she tries to pull crap on me later.

I just worry about my son, sure, I'm the hyperactive Dad who worries about my boy, but come ON, he's been coughing for a week, you take him to the doctor! You don't make ME look like the ass, you just make your son #1 and do what you need to do for him! ARGH.

If she'd said she couldn't take off, and her Mom wouldn't take him (which I don't mind, not sure I want her taking my son to a doctor, she'd probably think she knew better, y'know, as she's a geriatrics nurse with 3 whole years experience, lotta relevancy to pediatrics there…) then I would certainly have done so…

I asked for 2 minutes of her time so I could get to the bottom of what was going on. I could hear her gritting her teeth over the phone, I tried to explain that I was worried she and her Mom were somehow trying to make it look like I was a "bad Daddy" or something, but that obviously he'd been sick the whole time he was with her, etc…and she got pissy and said she had to go, she'd call me later.

So, I wrote an angry letter to EL, but I'm not sending it, that wouldn't be a good idea. It was longer but I chopped a bit off, then decided I'd "vent it" here…so here goes:

I don't understand why you become stressed out the minute we start talking. Based on the Emails I've seen you send and receive from work, it's pretty clear that you aren't that busy ALL the time. Call me when it's convienent for you, but I would like to talk to you.

I'm upset because I asked you to take him to the doctor if he was still sick on Monday, and you didn't. You claim he wasn't coughing "at your house" but yet you admit you were giving him cough medicine. Then your story changes and you say he was coughing at your MOM's house, but not yours. I'm pretty sure if I ask D-- or J-- at day care, they will tell me he's been sick and coughing there.

Maybe it's my imagination but it seems funny that suddenly you are being uncooperative about everything. I didn't want this divorce, and since you've demanded it, all I've wanted to do was get along and make it easy on (The Boy), I have put up with all your antics with (Other Guy) and others, respected your privacy insofar as not telling anyone about your affairs - regardless of how your mother is telling people I'm "looking for EL's replacement on the Internet." (Should I tell people what YOU are looking for on the Internet?) - let you push me around, let you take whatever you wanted out of the house (except for tearing the curtains off the walls) and not stood in your way one bit. I think we need to start talking about this and figure out what's changed in your mind about all this, because it seems like something has.

So…I don't want to antagonize her by sending that. I wish I had the longer version it had a lot more snarky barbs and sarcasm. :)

I'm just pissed. No idea where this is going, but I get the feeling I'm being painted badly somehow and I don't see it coming. I am swinging back and forth between being hopefully optimistic about my divorce, and crushingly realistic/pessimistic about it.

Caveat Freakin' Emptor

2005-01-06T20:34:00.000-05:00

So, thinking of ways to cut the budget a little bit, but also knowing I'm bound to start making more long distance phone calls and regional calls...I go take a look at RCN's web page.

RCN is who I've got my cable, cablemodem, and home phone with. Currently we have MCI for long distance which seemed weird to me since I know RCN had package deals.

Well, am I glad I looked.

My bill's been running about $155 a month with them, plus MCI's long distance bill. I have cablemodem, unlimited local calls on the home phone, and digital cable with the crappy HBO/Cinemax package. $3/month inside wire line maintenance - which you might think is a ripoff, until the first time you need something done inside your house!

Well, sometime recently they updated their "bundles." For $160/month (intro offer for $140/mo for first 6 months) I could get unlimited long distance (eliminating the $10-50 a month for MCI!) PLUS everything I already have, free wireline maintenance, more features on the phone (call forwarding will come in handy in particular) and ALL the premium movie channels...like freakin' Starz/Encore/Movie Channel/HBO/Cinemax (about 35 in all) AND all the "video on demand" channels from HBO/Cinemax which is like having a pretty decent sized video library of common/classic movies. Freakin' A.

Of course, that was the only bundle with the unlimited long distance, so I had no choice but to take all the movie channels. So ok, I admit, after 6 months I really won't be saving a whole lot monthly, but I'll have no more long distance charges, so it'll still be a couple bucks a month cheaper. :)

Other news: There is none. The Boy is here hangin' out with me, we've been playing Thomas most of the night, had a nice dinner, etc...

Observed at Work

2005-01-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

Subhumans.

So I'm in the men's room. Guy at the urinal next to me (first of all, that's a violation of the rule - there are THREE urinals, and as I was at the one at the far end, he should have taken the one at the OTHER far end, but he opted for the middle. That's wrong right there) sets his bottle of soda down ON THE URINAL as he proceeds to use it.

(I have only ever observed this behavior before at bars with extremely drunk people in them, where the beer bottle will be placed on the urinal. But at least I can imagine those people would be equally horrified if they knew they'd done that the next morning...)

Then as I'm washing my hands, he finishes up, takes the soda bottle off the back of the urinal, and walks right out the door.

Ugh.

A Complete Moment of Vanity

2005-01-06T01:38:00.000-05:00

LOL, ok, this is low, but funny, and I can't help it, I need whatever pathetic satisfaction I can find right now.

So you know that guilty pleasure website, "Hot or Not"?

Well, Evil JD put his pic up, and also put up the Other Guy's pic from his Yahoo profile.

I'm quite self-satisfied to note that, we've both had about 100 votes now, and I'm ahead 7.5 to 6.8.

EL, in fact, has her own pic up and is a 6.5. My friend Punky, is a freakin' 9.5 there. Had I known that, I'd have been too intimidated to even talk to her...heh...

Yes, I know. Vain, childish, and immature - but it feels good. (And yes, I'm aware that's dangerously close to something EL has said many times. Difference, is it's not really hurting anyone for me to do this...)

Next thing to do would be find one of those sites where guys send in pics of their cock for rating. Wonder what he'd get on there? LOL. I'll be sure to share his rating with him when I talk to him someday, too. :)

(I'm evil! EVIL! But it beats searching thru her car at night, eh? And I did stop myself from creating a "meet me" profile for him there saying he was looking for gay sex partners but to be discreet because he's married....heh)

3 Rooms Down - 7 To Go...

2005-01-05T23:52:00.000-05:00

So, today I've spent the whole day since getting home from work, cleaning my downstairs family room. Just one big room down here, the only room with remaining furniture. :)

So it's been a lot of vacuuming and dusting and moving things around and more vacuuming.

In fact, I'm not entirely done yet but needed a break.

I also did the small bathroom down here. Well, just the floor actually, still need to do the dreaded toilet cleaning and maybe the windows. There's a stand up shower stall there, too, but we have never used it. In fact the drain is taped over, because we've (I guess I need to stop saying "we" eh?) got the cat's litter box in there. Seemed a logical place for it. But with a roommate in my future that may need to change. Plus I'd prefer The Boy not get in there and play in the catbox. I'm sort of thinking to put the box in the laundry room and maybe put a cat-flap in the door.

I still have to put The Boy's crib back together - it's in pieces where EL's friends moved it downstairs and left it disassembled - because he'll be sleeping down here with me for the short term future until I get him a real kid's bed and clean up his bedroom. That's next.

It's been raining, snowing, and sleeting for the last few hours here, not a whole lot of accumulation, but it'll be a pain in the ass driving to work tomorrow in the Mustang GT.

Ironically, not sure I posted this yet, but the "winterbeater" car I bought - a '93 All Wheel Drive Eclipse GSX Turbo - is currently not driveable. Something's up with the alternator or charging system, not sure what, but it's not charging at all, I almost got stranded at Wal-Mart about 2 weeks ago because I drove out there and didn't realize it wasn't charging until I noticed as I pulled in that stepping on the brake (brake light turning on) was making the radio cut out. :)

So I had to get someone to push me to restart it, and drove it back home with the headlights off, barely made it, got to the point if I'd step on the brake, the engine would stall, which made things pretty interesting trying to slow down to not run a red light, but keep rolling so I could pop start it again when it went green...LOL.

I also had to quick post about my amazing cookware deals. About 2 weeks ago, wandering through Wegmans's (big ass grocery store here) I saw a cool stir-fry pan. But it was like $32 and I figured I could get one cheaper elsewhere. Well, last night I went to Wegmans' after work to get food for The Boy and some other stuff, and I figured, screw it, why not just buy the thing.

Woohoo! It was on sale, as a "discontinued item" for $8.50. Marked down 75%. So I looked around a bit, and there were several other items like that...ended up getting the stir fry pan, two skillets, saucepan with lid, and roasting pan with rack - $220 worth of Cuisinart brand nonstick cookware for about $50. Woot for me!

So then of course I came home and cleaned out my kitchen, put away my new stuff, and reorganized where everything (that she left me, that is) was. I never liked the way she had the kitchen set up - too much junk on the counter near the stove, so there was no good place to do food prep. Not anymore.

Last bit of news, looks like things are on track for me to get my mortgage. I opted for an interest-only mortgage for the first 5 years. Means the payment will be like $200/mo cheaper than it is currently, though of course in 5 years it goes up significantly. But odds are I will not be here that long, or will just refinance again if I am. Bit of a risk if home values tank and/or interest rates start climbing out of control, but a good bet in the short term.

I am going to have to pay PMI, though, and I won't have any equity to take out as cash. This I thought would NOT be the case, but that's because EL had misinformed me as to the amount of the appraisal we got last year when we refinanced at that time.

She'd been telling me the house appraised at $220k which seemed way high to me. But she kept assuring me it was, etc.etc. So, since I only needed $158k of mortgage, it was going to be below 85% and I wouldn't need the PMI. But....last night looking for some proof of insurance paperwork, I found the freakin' appraisal from Oct 2003 - 190k! DAMMIT.

I'll still get the mortgage, but will have to pay the PMI, which is another $60/mo I was hoping to avoid. And I won't have room to take any cash out. So, no furniture in my near future, it looks like. Pasteboard bedroom set, here I come!

What has America Come To?!?!?!?!

2005-01-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

This is not my country, when we even NEED to see a headline like this:

Gonzales Promises Non-Torture Policy

By JESSE J. HOLLAND, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON - Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales is promising senators that he will abide by treaties prohibiting the torture of prisoners, despite deriding the restraints as relics in 2002.

-FULL STORY LINK-

Yes, that's right. We the people, of the United States of America, land of the free and home of the brave - need to be reassured that our President's (who we actually elected this time!) nominee for Attorney General promises not to torture anyone.

This is the guy who represents the rule of law and order for the entire nation. Great, eh?

The day he's confirmed is the day I fly my flag upside down again.

Freakin' cats...

2005-01-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

So, not only does my swingin' bachelor pad have an annoying cat-pee smell since MHEOTME cat (in keeping with the intials motif going here) decided to mark some new empty space down here, but I went to change the litter box (message received loud and clear, MHEOTME!) and after dumping it in the trash (it's garbage night) discovered - no more kitty litter.

A late night trip to Walmart ensued.

That taken care of, time for bloggin'.

Not much going on. I stayed at work 'till 7pm to give her time to clear out, and that she did. Everything's gone, thankfully. A few bits of junk here and there but I can start cleaning up now and rehanging my curtains. I noticed she stripped the curtains off the back window of the living room too, but they appear to be in the bag with the others, so that was probably done last night and I just didn't notice at the time. Insanity.

I emailed her from work today, asking if she'd please leave the garage door opener for her half of the garage now that she's out. Her reply? "I'll give you that when I'm signed off the house."

Hey-Zeus Crisco! What's WRONG with this woman? I wrote back, rather nicely I thought, that if she feared I would change the locks, she could call her lawyer who would tell her that if I did that, I"d be breaking the law and leaving myself wide open for some retalitory measures like getting me thrown out of my own house, since she was still part owner. I also pointed out that if I just unplugged the garage door opener, she could press the button all she wanted and enjoy the little red LED flashing at her until the batteries wore out, if that was my intention. But of course my REAL motive is nothing more sinister that it's a lot easier to park in "her" side as it's the righthand garage bay therefore I don't have to open my car door into the wall as I do when I'm parking in the lefthand bay. (Yanks understand, you Euros and Aussies, remember, we sit on the lefthand side in our cars... :) )

She wrote back, "OK, whatever."

So, aside from that no shenanigans to report here. She didn't take anything she shouldn't have this time around, though she ignored my wishes to take three large pieces of junk she brought into this house out with her - a dilapitated dresser, an exercise bike circa 1970 with a broken pedal, and a smelly refrigerator she insisted on buying from her dad that has sat unused in the garage ever since we moved in. That annoys me, as all this crap came into my home against my wishes. My dresser was also old and crappy, but it was still nicer than this piece of junk that she claimed she wanted to replace it with.

Again, I look forward to buying a new bedroom set, something where everything is real wood, not pasteboard, and all the pieces match. :)

Though, God help me, while at Wal-Mart I discovered something called the "bedroom in a box" which was $200 of pasteboard stuff - dresser, nightstand, mirror, and headboard - that actually might do as my "get through the next 12 months" crap. That got me thinking, perhaps I could buy a set like that - really cheap junk, and use it to furnish the spare bedroom (what else is a spare bedroom for??) and then sleep there 'till I buy a real bedroom set for the master bedroom.

Either that, or the dresser and nightstand will make good workbenches in the garage. :) My old entertainment center is in there and makes a very nice toolbox stand and old Muscle Mustangs and Fast Fords magazine rack.

Did I just contemplate furnishing my bedroom with something that comes in one large flat cardboard box and assembles with an allen wrench and some wood-grain tape?

-sigh-

Yes, I did. Hey, I'm a divorced single male with child, what do you want from me? It's either that or sleep on an air mattress on the floor for the next 12 months which has been my plan...

Returning to work today was fine. In fact, it turns out my project has been changed a little bit, instead of a complete redesign from nothing to a finished curriculum, we're going to rewrite the existing curriculum to meet our new standards of training at my company. May not be quite as effective, but is a much easier project for me to grasp right now - rewriting/reformatting/updating existing materials is a lot easier than designing from scratch, outlines, storyboards, and needs assessments.

My boss was very friendly and supportive - heck, there was a Christmas present to me and one for The Boy on my desk when I got there - and that made the transition back easier.

Of course, I had 2000 Emails (no, really, and those just the ones addressed to me, not distribution lists I'm on!) in my Inbox to sort through, so that was the not-fun part. Took most of the day in fact!

Oh, and the the 'ol ego did get a nice boost as EVERYONE I saw - remember, I've been off work for nearly 3 months - commented I'd lost weight. Most of them in a rather obvious state of shock. I am willing to bet the rumor will go around for those that do NOT know the real reason, that I was out for 2 months getting the stomach-staple surgery. Three other people there have gotten that and I've lost as much as they did - though, I have levelled off a bit now and still would like to drop about 35 more before I'm done. But it was a really nice feeling, I cannot deny it. I mean, I really DO look a hell of a lot different.

When this blog "decloaks" after my divorce is final, I will post some before-and-after pics. :)

Speaking of that...I'm trying to decide when to begin a new blog and let this one stand as an archive to Phase One of my divorce. I definitely feel a threshold has been crossed now that she has moved out.

Should I begin a new one now, to coincide with the new year, or, should I wait until the divorce is final.

Thoughts?